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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awful gifts

221 replies

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2022 11:36

Not being ungrateful...or trying not to..but dd had a birthday party (y5) and invited some close friends. We spent a lot of money on the activities and food. The gifts though were really awful, a cup (plain) with three tea bags (??) £3 from B&M from one friends When dd doesn't drink tea. A cheap robotic cat from a another friend again from B&M which looked like a regift as not remotely something dd would us, again B&M £4.

One of the friends bought crafts and drawing pencils which was lovely as dd loves to draw so thoughtful.

AIBU to feel annoyed? The the mums have horses, hot tubs, big homes and partners with really high salaries. I'm widowed with a much lower income and always spent about £15 on a gift.

OP posts:
Billyhargrovesmullet · 26/09/2022 10:52

A mug with tea bags is a bizarre gift for anyone but especially a child

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/09/2022 11:01

@Ihatemyroad - my old NDNs had 3 children. And I know/knew several other NDNs with primary school aged children. All of them had 'gift cupboards' where they could drag anything out for boy/girl and then gift.

Sometimes if the friend was a close friend they'd get a nicer toy/game/activity but lots of times it was just that, hair slides with streamers on them plus pretty bubble bath one time which the DD chose and available from local chemist. Modelling clay and/or pens/colouring book for another child. Don't forget that there are loads of parties that potentially kids are invited to so you could spend a small fortune on gifts.

When I was a child DB and I have September birthdays and we had a large enough house and brave DM who hosted our parties complete with mobile disco every year until we were 11. There was no way on earth we'd have policed/expected presents - if they brought them, great, if not, fine too.

SillySausage81 · 26/09/2022 11:06

Needmorelego · 26/09/2022 09:50

@Ihatemyroad what's wrong with hair scrunchies and modelling clay for a 6 year old? Surely that's exactly what 6 year olds like (unless your daughter has short hair so doesn't need scrunchies).
(Ok the 12+ set might have been too difficult but you could have helped her with it)

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering what on earth is wrong with modelling clay for a 6 year old!

(The price is irrelevant. If a family has 2 or 3 kids and they all get invited to half their classmate's birthdays, plus cousins etc., there's no way a lot of people could afford to spend much more than £3 per present).

Ihatemyroad · 26/09/2022 11:22

For those asking what is wrong with modelling clay - nothing is wrong with modelling clay! Context is everything I guess. My daughters best friend gave her the modelling clay. When it was the other little girls birthday my daughter made her a card, made her a best friend bracelet, and chose something she knew the other little girl enjoyed playing with and wrapped it herself in paper she chose. My daughters present just lacked thought behind it. There you go I’ve said it!

NotJustAnybody · 26/09/2022 11:27

In the past I've had people not even buy a gift, let alone a shit one. I always think, would my own DS like this and if I'm really stuck I buy a £10 gift card.
I'd be really tempted to buy their child similar gifts in future.
But really, a mug and t-bags for a 5 yr old! That's really taking the piss. Shame on them.

ThrowingSomeCrumbs · 26/09/2022 11:42

Have you googled to check the prices of the gifts your child got?! Bloody hell.

mam0918 · 26/09/2022 12:17

Ihatemyroad · 26/09/2022 11:22

For those asking what is wrong with modelling clay - nothing is wrong with modelling clay! Context is everything I guess. My daughters best friend gave her the modelling clay. When it was the other little girls birthday my daughter made her a card, made her a best friend bracelet, and chose something she knew the other little girl enjoyed playing with and wrapped it herself in paper she chose. My daughters present just lacked thought behind it. There you go I’ve said it!

You dont know it wasnt chosen with thought. you litrally cannot know another personss thought process especially not a child.

Your oneupmanship is cringey not better... I bet those other parents are wondering why you keep giving your cheap ugly art projects to them. I have enought bad arts and crafts from my own kids I dont want to house your kids terrible drawings aswell.

treacletoffee23 · 26/09/2022 12:18

Exactly This

treacletoffee23 · 26/09/2022 12:19

Whoops - that was a reply to someone else

mam0918 · 26/09/2022 12:20

I mean Im genuinely grateful for almost anything but if someone sent my kid a pack full of glitter and/or theirs kids darwings/paintings I would genuinely think it was a passive agressive move... on no planet is it a 'thoughtful gift'.

I would be absoloutly fine with scrunchies etc... though, at least they are useful.

Confusion101 · 26/09/2022 12:29

Jesus after reading this I think when my DD starts school I'll be suggesting no gift parties.

Confusion101 · 26/09/2022 12:30

To add... Because of how ungrateful people are, not because of the gifts!!

SillySausage81 · 26/09/2022 13:03

Confusion101 · 26/09/2022 12:30

To add... Because of how ungrateful people are, not because of the gifts!!

I'd be delighted to attend!

There's nothing worse than agonising for ages over what to get someone (especially when you're on a tight budget), and then they open it and you can see they don't like it that much. It makes gift giving a tortuous ordeal... and that's for people you actually love, let alone your kids' classmates, when you've bought them something you think seems nice and then you find out half of them are probably bitching on Mumsnet about how the gift lacked thought. 🙁

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 26/09/2022 13:22

Regift the shit back to them.

Puffalicious · 26/09/2022 13:59

Mam090

*Your so materialistic your place items above people and quality time?
You wouldnt let your kids have fun with their friends because of that?

What an utterly AWFUL message to send to your kids and clearly stems from grabbiness... most people want time not money and things, they took the time to invite your child because they want their child and your child to share an experiance. Its downright rude to turn them down and leave the birthday child without a friend over such a pathetic reason that no one asked for or cared about*

Sorry, I've just come back to this thread. Materialistic? Grabby? You don't know me- that's ridiculous. I'm grabby because I wouldn't go to a party without a present/ £5 in a card?! How can that be grabby? (I bloody hate that bloody word constantly bandied around on here!) I'm not the one benefiting here. I said I wouldn't go without a gift, I didn't say others should feel the same.

In my part of the country it is not the done thing to attend a party without a small gift (even some sweets/ bar of chocolate) and a card. It just isn't and has always been so. Weddings, similarly it seems, are different to those described by others on here: the norm is for quite a significant present/cash. I just follow the norms, I don't set them.

So, don't come brandishing the materialistic/ grabby/ I'm an awful parent banner at me for thinking a £5 present is normal.

My children have always been taught to accept gifts graciously/ not expect anything, but the norm here is that a small gift is given. My children would have accepted the mug and teabags graciously, and it would not have been mentioned negatively to them at all, but it is a shit, thoughtless gift: sweets would have been far better.

mam0918 · 26/09/2022 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Puffalicious · 26/09/2022 15:50

How do YOU know what my morals are? I place things above people? You're way out of order.

It is not rude to decline an invitation! I have every right to decline an invitation for whatever reason I like as long as it's done in plenty of time. As MN says: it's an invitation not a summons. Go away with your extreme ideas.

You are teaching children to care more about aquiring things than forming healthy support relationships

You don't know me, you cannot value judge me. You are being completely ridiculous and actually insulting and hurtful.

As I've said, here it is the norm that everyone takes a card and small gift/ £5. I've had 3 DC, eldest is 18, so lots of experience of the norms where I live (did you hear that? Where I live).

I'm disengaging because you're ridiculous and making people (me, the OP)feel bad for having a different opinion than you. It's lufe: we are allowed different opinions without being called rude/ awful parents/morally lesser.

I reckon you're the parent that no matter how much money you have access to, thinks they should employ no effort and the birthday person is lucky you/ your DC are attending. Entitled and rude.

I will admit to being a pedant: review the use of your/ you're and where/were.

Puffalicious · 26/09/2022 15:52

*life

mam0918 · 26/09/2022 17:10

Puffalicious · 26/09/2022 15:50

How do YOU know what my morals are? I place things above people? You're way out of order.

It is not rude to decline an invitation! I have every right to decline an invitation for whatever reason I like as long as it's done in plenty of time. As MN says: it's an invitation not a summons. Go away with your extreme ideas.

You are teaching children to care more about aquiring things than forming healthy support relationships

You don't know me, you cannot value judge me. You are being completely ridiculous and actually insulting and hurtful.

As I've said, here it is the norm that everyone takes a card and small gift/ £5. I've had 3 DC, eldest is 18, so lots of experience of the norms where I live (did you hear that? Where I live).

I'm disengaging because you're ridiculous and making people (me, the OP)feel bad for having a different opinion than you. It's lufe: we are allowed different opinions without being called rude/ awful parents/morally lesser.

I reckon you're the parent that no matter how much money you have access to, thinks they should employ no effort and the birthday person is lucky you/ your DC are attending. Entitled and rude.

I will admit to being a pedant: review the use of your/ you're and where/were.

You LITRALLY said you would not let your children attend without a gift... that is teaching them that that thing is more important that the friend who asked them to come.

You are overly distraught at this which indicates it has cut very close to the bone and you just learned something you dont like about yourself.

Im sorry but you cant shoot the messenger.

mam0918 · 26/09/2022 17:19

Also no idea why mumsnet has deleted my previous post it made the perfectly logical explination answering the question of why the though process is 'grabby'.

Regardless of if you post pretending to be the giver in a senario to make you seem like the 'generous' one where you think no one should attend without gift then the thought process that attendees MUST bring a gift also equally flows the other way so when you host you equally EXPECT gifts backs.

Puffalicious · 26/09/2022 17:26

MN deleted it as you judged and it was slanderous. You're rude and deserve to be deleted .

Nothing you have said had been close to anything, never mind bone 😆. I know myself very well- I'm getting on- and am very secure in who I am and my parenting.

I still maintain I would never go to a birthday/ celebration/ someone's house for a cuppa empty handed: it's how I was brought up. Others may differ.

Good evening to you.

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