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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you consider this neglectful?

194 replies

Queen777 · 25/09/2022 00:40

I am a single mother with a 9 week old child. I find her father extremely difficult to coparent with. He plays a very part time role and hasn't seen her for 3 weeks.

I send pictures/videos everyday as requested by him. DD currently has a small scratch on her forehead which she has done herself - this scratch was seen by him in the pictures I sent him today. I have just had a very angry phone call from him and have had to endure him shouting and swearing at me saying I am not doing my job as a parent as I have "allowed her to scratch herself". I try and keep on top of cutting her nails and occasionally put mittens on her but she loves putting her hands in her face and always manages to scratch herself.

I just feel awful as he is just making me feel like I am not a good enough parent. If you saw a newborn baby with a scratch on their face would you think the parent was neglectful?

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 25/09/2022 00:43

No. It happens all the time and is a complete non event.

Name1232 · 25/09/2022 00:44

I can't imagine any babies get through that stage without scratching themselves.
It's important for their development to not keep their hands covered too much, don't let this impact how you're acting.

quietnightmare · 25/09/2022 00:46

Agreed with op. Complete non event he would know that if he was around more. Stay strong op you don't need to take that abuse you carry on being a good mother and looking after your newborn child. Enjoy your baby ignore the abuse, better yet don't engage with him and only discuss contact with the child and nothing else. Send photos and videos and any comments sent back don't respond. If it's upsetting you to much suggest you will send all photos and videos to his parents or sibling and they can pass them on. Stay strong

SatInTheCorner · 25/09/2022 00:46

Happens all the time !

I'd stop sending him any pictures and videos.

Ingleduh · 25/09/2022 00:46

A newborn with a scratch is normal, not seeing your child for 3 weeks, esp at 9 weeks of age is not normal!
Don't give him a second thought.

5zeds · 25/09/2022 00:47

No but I would consider someone who didn’t see their child for 3 weeks and then tried to undermine the person doing the caring a jerk.

Babies scratch themselves sometimes.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 25/09/2022 00:47

He's being completely unreasonable. My DS is now 8 months old but he was forever scratching his face as a younger baby. I tried the scratch mitts, he'd get them off and still manage it. I cut his nails and still he'd find a way. You are not neglecting your child because of a scratch to the face so please don't worry.

Hairymaery · 25/09/2022 00:48

Ingleduh · 25/09/2022 00:46

A newborn with a scratch is normal, not seeing your child for 3 weeks, esp at 9 weeks of age is not normal!
Don't give him a second thought.

This. He's a twat.

EmilyEmmabob · 25/09/2022 00:48

Absolutely not! Clearly he is never around babies because they do this all the time! Scratch mitts can help but my DS hated them and would scream the place down. It isn't neglect it is just what babies do. Ignore him, and stop giving into the demands of his request for photos every day. If he's that bothered he should be visiting and taking the pictures himself.

IsleofDen · 25/09/2022 00:49

It’s perfectly normal for babies to scratch themselves.

If he’s screaming and shouting at you over the phone, please stop phone contact. Tell him to text or email. You are caring for a baby alone and shouldn’t have to put up with that from an absent father.

Moveorstay2022 · 25/09/2022 00:50

I would reply that not seeing your baby for 3 weeks is not the job of a parent, and that if he thinks he can do better, why doesn't he pay her a visit and give it a try. Cheeky fucker.

SarahDippity · 25/09/2022 00:51

He hasn’t a clue. Don’t let him bully you. I’m sorry you have to deal with him.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 25/09/2022 00:53

He is a disgrace. He is neglecting his own child and blaming you for the slightest problem.

HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2022 00:53

I send pictures/videos everyday as requested by him.

so he sees her every 3 weeks yet wants you to send photos and videos daily? What a laugh. I’d cut that out quick smart. Tell him you are too busy parenting to be doing this and he can take a photo/video every time he visits instead.

DutchessOfMuck · 25/09/2022 00:54

He is saying that to control you and because he has no idea of what being a parent is.

OP please step away from him, block him and stop him controlling you. Put firm boundaries in place and stick to them.

He is a utter disgrace of a person and hes certainly not a parent of any sort.

Buy a cheap sim and mobile. Give him that number to contact you on only regarding your child. Get legal advice and apply if you haven't for child maintenance. Put in place a child contact centre for him to see your child.

This might sound harsh but you need to start protecting you and your child and this way everything will be documented.

It won't be easy but I can assure you that it will be worth it.

Keep posting on mumsnet for advice or even just to rant.

Good luck and I wish you all the best 💐

Montague22 · 25/09/2022 00:54

Entirely normal
Probably wont happen often. Can be worse after trimming as can get a sharp corner, could maybe file a little. I never used scratch mitts, I think you are right to let her explore with her hands. I’d phone your HV on Monday. She can reassure you this is entirely normal and log this concern. Might stop you questioning yourself.
Have you had the 6 week GP check yet? Sometimes they do drop ins.

DutchessOfMuck · 25/09/2022 00:56

Also if he is screaming and shouting at you then put the phone down on him immediately and call the police to log it.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/09/2022 01:00

Tell him you were concentrating on sending the photos/videos when it happened and so, regretfully, you've decided not to do that anymore.

Nursejackie1 · 25/09/2022 01:03

Do not let this become a pattern. Show him now his opinion means shite because it does. Fuck men and their sitting on their arses while the mothers do absolutely everything and they criticise a scratchy next it will be the food isn’t nutritious enough, you don’t discipline enough, you aren’t soft enough … nip it in the bud now. In your own head. You are the mum. You are doing your best. What you say goes. He can fuck off sitting in his arse criticising from afar.

Longdistance · 25/09/2022 01:03

He’s neglecting his duties as a father as he hadn’t seen his dc for 3 weeks. The scratch is nothing.

CactusBlossom · 25/09/2022 01:04

Hasn't seen her for 3 weeks, but he thinks it's acceptable to have a go at you? Is he making any contribution at all? Tell him to fuck off.

Nursejackie1 · 25/09/2022 01:05

Good point. CSA right away if he isn’t paying.

Original poster
Queen777 · 25/09/2022 01:06

Hasn't paid a penny since she was born! He would be grateful I even allow him to see her

OP posts:
Original poster
Queen777 · 25/09/2022 01:07

Should be grateful*

OP posts:
TriedAndBested · 25/09/2022 01:08

Op some people think I'm a helicopter parent. Also, till ds was a few months old I had a lot of family around who watched him like a hawk and who cried over every little scratch on his little body. And yes, he did have scratches. Tons of them. With so many of us watching him all the time. It can't be avoided. Your ex is an idiot. Please ignore him.