Would you consider this neglectful?

[Queen777]

I am a single mother with a 9 week old child. I find her father extremely difficult to coparent with. He plays a very part time role and hasn't seen her for 3 weeks.

I send pictures/videos everyday as requested by him. DD currently has a small scratch on her forehead which she has done herself - this scratch was seen by him in the pictures I sent him today. I have just had a very angry phone call from him and have had to endure him shouting and swearing at me saying I am not doing my job as a parent as I have "allowed her to scratch herself". I try and keep on top of cutting her nails and occasionally put mittens on her but she loves putting her hands in her face and always manages to scratch herself.

I just feel awful as he is just making me feel like I am not a good enough parent. If you saw a newborn baby with a scratch on their face would you think the parent was neglectful?

Stop sending pictures. He is bullying you.

You can't make him be a good parent, just focus on your DD.

An abusive father is worse than no father.

Stop all the effort with him and claim CM for the sake of your child.

He’s controlling and abusive. Stop the photos and videos-that’s just another way to control you and sending them, doesn’t keep him involved in her life.

claim the maintenance you’re owed. It doesn’t matter what you will use it for-you have to feed, clothe and house your DD.

send the message about no longer taking phone calls from him following his very abusive telephone call. Talk to your HV and get it noted on your notes too-I suspect you will need the evidence in the future.

Why you’re even sending him pictures if he hasn’t bothered to see his child in three weeks? unless he’s at your door wanting to see her don’t entertain him at all. What co-parenting you’re talking about? he hasn’t seen her and he’s not paying a penny , stop trying to get him to do what he doesn’t clearly want to do and look after you and your baby as best as you can , no need to put up with his screaming over the phone.
If he asks for photos tell him he know where you are to come see her if he wishes to do so

It's not about the scratch-it's about an excuse to be abusive.

And as he dose not financially contribute to his child's upkeep why are you sending him photos daily?

He has no interest in co-parenting - otherwise he would've seen her regularly. You are just leaving yourself open to more abuse and control.

Step away from the bully & protect your daughter from him.

have had to endure him shouting and swearing at me

You could have just put the phone down.

You don't have to do anything where he is concerned!

Haven't RTFT but have read all your posts OP, just sharing something someone said to me when my DC was tiny. If you wouldn't go to him for advice, then don't spend even a second thinking about his criticisms.

Stop sending him photos and videos. If he wants to be in her life tell him to step up and see her in person.

You are not being neglectful. Stop sending him messages and videos; you are not his secretary. If he wants to see the baby, he needs to get off his lazy arse and make the effort to see her. He’s a massive twat.

Oh he's one of those men that thinks the payment is for you rather than the upkeep of his child. What a prince he is letting his mum fork out the clothes rather than him paying maintenance.

Go through the CMS and stop facilitating him. His relationship with his child is his responsibility.

I certainly wouldn't send him any more pictures ...not until he apologises. I have brought up 3 kids and I distinctly recall them scratching themselves. Do not allow him to talk disrespectfully to you. But more importantly if/when he does dont give your power away and believe his or others peoples verbal vomit!

How deep is the 'scratch' if its a gash he has a point however if its just a finger nail surface scratch (seem more logical) then completely normal and all kids get bumps or scratches at some point parents cant magically stop it.

OP,

You really need to appreciate that this guy is clearly a twat and respond accordingly.

#1 You are NOT his private secretary. If he wants to see videos/photos of his child then HE can take them. Quit pandering to him - it's not as if he's in a different country and can't see them.

#2 You know what is best for your child. Do not engage with any criticism chat.

#3 You are LEGALLY ENTITLED to financial support from him. Follow the official processes to make this happen.

How deep is the 'scratch' if its a gash he has a point however if its just a finger nail surface scratch (seem more logical) then completely normal and all kids get bumps or scratches at some point parents cant magically stop it.

He doesn't have a point at all. Even if it was a gash, unless there's some horrific back story involving OP being neglectful or abusive to another child, the obvious conclusion is that it was an accident of some sort and OP is still doing everything she can to prevent her baby being hurt, like any parent would. He has no right to call OP neglectful when he's almost completely absent and not paying to boot.

Get a bloody grip, OP. You are a mother now, start behaving like an adult. You do not have to spend your actual, grown up adult years trying to Keep a Man and trying to Make Him Like And Respect You, and Being a Good Thoughtful Girly For Him.

Look at what is in front of you, and deal with that rather than the silly teenage relationship fantasy you are acting out.

Er...what?

Same as everyone above, of course the baby will have scratches, I remember nearly crying with the amount of scratches even though me and dh were cutting nails and constantly putting on mittens. He isn't dealing with the everyday stuff so will never know unfortunately

He is abusive and he is using the information you are providing him with to abuse you. Stop doing it, you are under no obligation to send him pictures every day, so stop now. Claim child maintenance. Put big boundaries in place with this individual, you will have to protect your child from him, so start as you mean to go on. Do not give him an inch, or he will take as much as he can from you and your DC. Speak to womens aid or rights of women on the best way to manage the parenting relationship with an abuser.

Nope, it's completely normal for little babies to scratch themselves. Your ex is being an arse.

Contact with a father that controls and abuses their mother often isn't in the child's best interests as what they learn is that what relationships should be about!

CMS today to put in a claim. Stop updates, put contact back on him to make the effort. To arrange and pay for mediation and when he doesn't stick to that make him take it to court.

I want to give my daughter the opportunity to have a relationship with her father as, being a teacher, I have seen the affects of children not having a father in their life,

I get that, always for the best but only if it is a healthy relationship. You would be showing your daughter what a toxic bully her father is.

If he is not interested, and his excuses to not see her or pay for her upkeep shows he is not, then you cannot make him.

Next time his mother sends £100's worth of clothes send them back with a message to have a word with her waste of space of a son & to sort out proper maintenance.

@Haffiana
What are you talking about? Did you miss the part where I said I am a single mother, meaning I am not actually with this man, so how am I trying to have a teenage fantasy relationship? Everything I have done, has been in an effort to facilitate some kind of relationship between my daughter and her father as I'm sure most mothers would do.

I find your comment both unnecessary and unhelpful.

OP the more you post about him the worse he sounds.

Imagine this, your child is 5 and sitting waiting on getting picked up by daddy. Daddy doesn't turn up or call. Your little one is sad, crying and inside blaming herself. You are left to pick up the pieces. Are you going to defend him and excuse his actions or put in place now the actions to protect you and your child.

No its not. I can understand you want your child to have a relationship with there father but that comes from him not you. Please protect your child and there emotional development.

My heart really does go out to you. You sound lost and vulnerable.

He’s a dick and a hypocrite to boot. Stop engaging with him OP!!

My DD scratched herself in the eye at 3 weeks old and I had to take her to hospital, she was absolutely fine but I remember how bad I felt. Your hormones play tricks on you when you’ve had a baby, go easy on yourself

Just a question for pp's advising me to inform my HV - will they get social services involved?