Would you consider this neglectful?

[Queen777]

I am a single mother with a 9 week old child. I find her father extremely difficult to coparent with. He plays a very part time role and hasn't seen her for 3 weeks.

I send pictures/videos everyday as requested by him. DD currently has a small scratch on her forehead which she has done herself - this scratch was seen by him in the pictures I sent him today. I have just had a very angry phone call from him and have had to endure him shouting and swearing at me saying I am not doing my job as a parent as I have "allowed her to scratch herself". I try and keep on top of cutting her nails and occasionally put mittens on her but she loves putting her hands in her face and always manages to scratch herself.

I just feel awful as he is just making me feel like I am not a good enough parent. If you saw a newborn baby with a scratch on their face would you think the parent was neglectful?

Document everything.
youll need it when if tries to turn your chikd against you in later yesrs
go through formal Channels
im a single parent. My kids are happy and well. Whst makes kids unhappy are toxic parent relationships.

I don’t believe that any child has suffered more from having an absent father, than having an arsehole father.

You are being a bit of a martyr in all of this - you have a child to look after, put done boundaries in place, get him paying, and stop dancing to his tune

Yes, keep a record, get his behaviour noted with your health visitor. Stop sending pics. Pursue maintenance via CMS.

I’m hoping he’s not named on her birth certificate?

Newborns scratch the face off themselves! If it bothers you then you can use mittens. But all of mine preferred to find their own faces & mouths with their tiny newborn hands without mittens on. Your ex is a twat. He needs to swiftly educate himself

being a teacher, I have seen the affects of children not having a father in their life, but I think it's time to stop trying with him now.

As a fellow teacher I can tell you for a fact - that an absent parent is way better than having an abusive or neglectful one.

You are not stopping him from seeing his child but you also can’t force him too either.

I spent way too many years trying to force contact because like you, I wanted my DD to have her dad in her life but it just doesn’t work.

It’s way better to put up boundaries and show your child that people see them because they want to. Not because they’re forced to.

First things first, babies scratch themselves, it's the very least they do, alongside falling off things, head butting things, cuts and grazes. Just wait until he's a toddler and walking. Things get really fun then.

Secondly, stop sending him photos, updates and videos.

Set him a day a week to see her, email him this, if he doesn't turn up then that's his fault . Work or not!

Thirdly go to cms and put a claim in!

And lastly, give him an email to contact you on and then block his number. He's verbally abusing you. Read the email once or twice a week, ignore his ranting and only discuss anything to do with your dc.

Ok you need to stop expecting him to be reasonable. Go through cms for maintenance. Stop sending pictures and stop speaking to him on the phone. Email if you have to. Everything you send him and every conversation he is using to control and manipulate you.

Please say you didn’t give your baby his last name?

Babies scratch themselves. My eldest did it as a newborn and has the tiniest scar (that only I can see but I beat myself up about it for a long time!).

Hes a horrible, abusive wanker, using this complete non-event as another stick to beat you with. Babies do that all the time… wait til they start giving themselves black eyes etc from walloping around on furniture!
he’d be getting no more photos or videos and I would be applying for maintenance through cms. Fuck him.

"as, being a teacher, I have seen the affects of children not having a father in their life"

I've been in your situation, wanting my daughter to maintain a relationship with her feckless father. I stopped the contact when it became clear that he was never going to be a good enough dad, and would emotionally damage my daughter, as well as always drain me.. I moved away from the area too, which helped. As she got older, she had some contact with the paternal grandparents who were well aware how difficult their son could be.
Sometimes, it is better for the child to not see their father. My daughter is now in her early twenties, is a happy and stable person, and a teacher herself. She fully understands why I made the decision to stop the contact and believes that I did the right thing.
Pm me if you want to. Good luck

Absolutely not it happens all the time. You can't keep thier hands covered up at all times that would be madness. It's better when they are sleeping as most likely to scratch themselves then.
Stop sending him so many pics and videos if he wants to see his daughter he can visit in person. What a cheek telling you your not doing your job right and he hasn't seen his daughter in 3weeks!

OP you sound lovely but why oh why do women have such low standards?

stop sending pics
block his number and communicate via email only
save all the previous abusive messages and log all his failures to contact/see her/send money when asked.

apply for CM

you can see he is abusive, controlling and has every single thing on his terms. He acts like some protective father despite having zero emotional or practical interest in her. He just wants to control you.

stay away from him as much as you can.

he will apply for contact, create drama and a huge fuss about it then entirely fail to actually stick to it.

Start pursuing him for maintenance.
Stop sending him pix/videos - he can make an effort to see her.
Block his calls until he can communicate civilly.

Either he starts behaving like a decent human being and father, or your daughter would be better off without him in her life at all.

Send him a message saying you are blocking his number and will communicate by email from now to arrange contact on due to verbal abuse of last phone call. Stop sending photos or updates.
Then contact cms. He isnt going to be the father you want him to be. Stop trying to engage with him as it sound like you will just get abuse.

Why are earth have you allowed this idiot into her life?!

I wouldn't want a penny of his money - I'd just want him gone. This is the type of 'father' who disappears with a baby/child.

Bit late now - he knows she's here. But you need to follow all of the advice. The money aspect is the least of your worries.

Stop contact. Stop facilitating. If needed speak via text. You can get proof of his abusiveness for down the line if needed.

Ignore this 'man'. My 5 month old currently has scratches on her face and body, lots, because her favourite thing to do is scratch herself! She rips at herself when she's tired as a way of keeping herself awake. I cut her nails but they seem to just appear again overnight and don't like to keep her hands covered as it's important for her development to be able to practice using them. I hold her hands while she's falling asleep to try and stop her but she somehow slips out!

The only one not doing their job as a parent is her 'father' ... or sperm donor or whatever you want to call him. What kind of man is that much of a shit that a woman is doing it all along with a 9 week old baby because it's preferable to doing it with him? Utter waster of a man.

I have no doubt that you're doing a fabulous job. Ignore this piece of trash. I can't believe the audacity of him, an absent parent, accusing the one who does everything for that baby of "not doing their job as a parent". He is deluded.

His mum is not an 'extension of him.' My ex tried this. File for maintenance. Don't bother listening to his 'so there, shut up' arguments.

I understand wanting your child's father in your and your daughter's life. I've been there. You take all the abuse and keep engaging because you keep hoping for a better outcome and it's less lonely than being on your own. I put myself through so much unnecessary shit before putting my foot down - like you, answering phone calls and allowing him to scream abuse at me, spending holidays together where he treated me like dirt, allowing him all the perks while he abused me, contributed nothing, and made me question myself and feel unreasonable for asking for the bare minimum.

But ultimately no an abusive parent is not better than an absent one - that's nonsense and an excuse. Your child will be hurt by him and his effect on you. Your self esteem is being damaged - your question on here was 'is this neglect?' suggesting that you're taking all his abusive shit onboard as legitimate and questioning yourself and taking on all the anxiety he's willing to inflict on you.

Your daughter will grow up seeing you as a hurt and damaged person constantly seeking her dad's validation - do you want her to learn that that's her role in life, her role as a woman and in relationships? Or conversely do you want him to turn her against you and both of them treat you with zero respect?

It took me a good bit of time and therapy but I managed to separate with DCs' dad and maintain proper boundaries, trust myself, and immediately shut down any disrespect. It hurts because you have to let go of the fantasy and accept that they are not the person or father you wish they were - which is especially hard when your hormones are everywhere and you're feeling so vulnerable.

But you're stronger than you know. Look for support outside of him - baby groups, family, try the Peanut app to meet other mums. You can do it for you and your daughter. Good luck <3

Stop sending him pictures and videos.
Get legal advice re contact and formalizing arrangements.
Make sure he's paying child maintenance at the correct level; check the government websites. If he's not, go formal through CMS.

What an idiot. Keep things completely formal re money and don't respond if he makes dick comments .
Your DD will not know about this. If he steps up pays his way and stops being a dick he can build a relationship with her, if not she has one really good parent and that's a good thing, better than her feeling let down, that'll mess with her self esteem.
But that is for ages in future.

Agree with the above.

Please start wising up fast! Your daughter needs you to.

I don't want you to think I'm being nasty but right now you're facilitating your own abuse, and her future abuse!
Nip it in the bud now!

As a teacher 'you've seen the effects of children without fathers in their lives?' Just how many of these badly affected children where the daughters of educated middle class teachers?
How many children have you seen affected by DV, and having to creep around their absent father's demands, and/or their mother's poverty?

Think it through and in the nicest possible way, stop writing "doormat" on your forehead, it's a literal invitation for him to wipe his feet!

Right now your hormones will be all over the place and influencing you. Please listen up to all the women on here who can see the rod you are creating for you and your daughters back, and take control. It's what you'd do if you had a low attending bully in your class pushing other around, isn't it?

Go through CSA, don’t send photos or videos he will be sending them to everyone for them to think he’s a doting dad. A child will be more damaged having a mother getting abused by the absent father who still doesn’t see his child then a abused mother trying her best for a child and father to have a relationship. At the end of the day you are putting yourself through all this and he hasn’t seen her for three weeks. Go through court for him to have contact. Screenshot and save every abusive message and don’t take phone calls off him. He will mess your life up forever if nothings in place I wish I had took my own advice.

I just feel awful as he is just making me feel like I am not a good enough parent. If you saw a newborn baby with a scratch on their face would you think the parent was neglectful?

He is abusive & unreasonable.

If he knew ANYTHING about parenting, he'd know this is absolutely normal.

Can you buy or borrow a separate phone that is just for contacting him? Then you can choose when or whether to look at his messages or respond to him.

Oh, and his mother buying £100's of pounds of baby clothes she picked out, (most of which she'll likely outgrow without wearing) doesn't equate to maintenance to fulfill the need to have money to pay for heat, nuitricious food to produce decent milk/cans of baby milk, sterilizing fluid, nappies, etc, and the stupidly long list of stuff babies actually need to thrive, rather than survive.
It's Disney Dad/MIL stuff.
Fast forward a few years if you carry on like that, you'll be pawning her expensive birthday present from absentee 'daddy' to get her school shoes, 'cause MIL will only get her 'LellyKelly's' and that's your months maintenance!

Regarding him not contributing, he claims that he has contributed as his mum just bought her hundreds of pounds of clothes last week (which may I add, is the first and only thing anyone has ever bought for her on his side). I explained to him that this is not him contributing, it's his mum. He responded "well my mom is an extension of me, so shut up".

I'm guessing hundreds of pounds worth of clothes was hardly your most pressing need anyway? Quite a bizarre thing to do - if she wanted to spend hundreds of pounds, it would have made more sense to ask if you needed, say, a cot or a buggy.

Fortunately as a matter of law "my mum gave you something" isn't a defence to liability for child maintenance.

This.

You are at a vulnerable time but please stand up to him. I PROMISE this will work better ont he long run.

Stop the daily videos and photos. Push back on his accusations. A baby scratching themselves is entirely normal. Not seeing your baby for three weeks is not.

Be strong. Post here. Set boundaries.
You are doing great.