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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you consider this neglectful?

194 replies

Queen777 · 25/09/2022 00:40

I am a single mother with a 9 week old child. I find her father extremely difficult to coparent with. He plays a very part time role and hasn't seen her for 3 weeks.

I send pictures/videos everyday as requested by him. DD currently has a small scratch on her forehead which she has done herself - this scratch was seen by him in the pictures I sent him today. I have just had a very angry phone call from him and have had to endure him shouting and swearing at me saying I am not doing my job as a parent as I have "allowed her to scratch herself". I try and keep on top of cutting her nails and occasionally put mittens on her but she loves putting her hands in her face and always manages to scratch herself.

I just feel awful as he is just making me feel like I am not a good enough parent. If you saw a newborn baby with a scratch on their face would you think the parent was neglectful?

OP posts:
Derbee · 25/09/2022 01:09

Jesus, what a wanker. Stop sending photos and videos until he can behave. What a fucking cheek!!!

It is so hard looking after a newborn. I can’t imagine how amazing you are to do it on your own! Do not allow him access to you if he’s going to criticise when he’s doing fuck all.

EmmiJay · 25/09/2022 01:11

Tell him a tiny scratch on her face is the tip of the iceberg; he'll shit his pants once she reaches toddler years and starts swinging from the lights and getting bruises! He needs to get over himself and zip it. When he starts ranting just hang up on him. You don't need that nonsense. Gl!

Kitkatcatflap · 25/09/2022 01:12

I wouldn't be rushing to send photos every day. He doesn't get to see progress or parent from afar.

Do not put up with this behaviour OP. He is trying to control you.

Cut him out of your life.

Nursejackie1 · 25/09/2022 01:16

Ok well I will say to you if you don’t start the boundaries now, CSA, set visiting etc then you will be much more stressed than u need. He has contributed a sperm. Nothing more. Do not give this loser Any power over your lives he definitely he needs to pay what he owes in child maintenance for your child’s sake. Do not listen to his crap about how you spend it either. Overall his opinion is worth nothing. Looking after a newborn is hard. He knows nothing about it, the prick

Dibbydoos · 25/09/2022 01:19

Aw bless you both.

DH sounds like a twit to me!

I used to use an emery board on my DCs cut nails because they are so sharp. It only needs a couple of rubs. Check with your finger afterwards. Mine never needed mittens.

Good luck x

caringcarer · 25/09/2022 01:20

Report him to child support for not paying. Stop sending photos and videos if he cared he would come to see her. Hang up if he shouts at you. Report to police for harassment. Stop allowing him to control you. Cut him off if he is shouting. Focus on enjoying your baby. All babies get the odd scratch. File any sharp edges with emery board.

Nursejackie1 · 25/09/2022 01:24

@Dibbydoos she really doesn’t need a patronising how to do the basics for her baby post. She is being the best it without your weird Emery boards on babies shite. That wasnt the question. This is about him doing fuck all then telling her she isn’t good enough, bless you both my arse. OP you are smashing it x

Hapoydayz · 25/09/2022 01:25

Block him! Don’t send anything. He is being abusive. Babies scratch themselves, don’t let him make you doubt yourself. Stay strong

Nursejackie1 · 25/09/2022 01:25

Twit! Are we on primary school? He’s a TWAT

MaryVee · 25/09/2022 01:27

in short: definitely not neglectful.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/09/2022 01:29

@Queen777 im going to sound like an echo....

it's definitely NOT neglect. Check when you've cut the nails that there aren't any sharp corners, nibble if you need to.

STOP sending him photos & videos.What HE wants isn't your problem, he's not the boss of you!! You're not his PA.

STOP taking his calls. Send him an email telling him that from now on you will only communicate with him via email. Block him everywhere else! Don't have notification on for emails (or if you must for another reason, put his on no notifications)

Do not let him dictate when he visits. When he gets off his arse & decides to visit. Don't let him in if he just turns up & if he emails telling you when he's coming tell him that's NOT how it works! HE ASKS when it's convenient for you!!

MONDAY - apply for CMS

i know you've posted about him before, but I can't recall the details.

stop letting him walk all over you!!

Blizzardbeach · 25/09/2022 01:33

Lol, so pet me get this right?
He ? A man who hasn't seen his 9 week old baby, in 3 weeks?
Is calling you? ...that babies mum, who is there every day? Neglectful?
Because that baby has scratched herself?

Unless there's a drip feed, like baby scratched herself whilst you were out partying and she was alone for 6 hours, the blokes a massive dick.

I'm very sensitive to the idea of any marks on my baby, any sign of rash or anything, scratches usually, but he's 5 months old, and I've had to get used to scratches on his face done by himself.
They've happened mid nail cut, or when I've had him strapped in his seat as I've driven us to do the school run/ shops. Not really a symptom of neglect!
Most babies seem to turn into dinosaurs when scratch mittens are put on them, until they've wrestled them off their hands.

Ylvamoon · 25/09/2022 01:37

Totally normal.

He however isn't normal.

PinkSyCo · 25/09/2022 01:50

It is him that is neglectful not you! Stop sending him pics and videos of your baby, and tell him he would get up off his arse and come visit her in person if he were truly interested in her well-being.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 25/09/2022 01:52

The man has no clue at all. Babies scratch themselves all the time. Just ignore him.

If you are looking for ideas though, Next (possibly some other shops too) do sleepsuits that have built in/ fold over mittens. Not sure what age they go up to but definitely in the smaller sizes. I definitely found them useful when DD was a newborn

Fraaahnces · 25/09/2022 01:53

Stop sending photos and texting him. Get onto CMS. He’s fucking useless.

Vecna · 25/09/2022 01:53

The cheeky get! Stop sending him pictures and videos. How dare he when he's doing fuck all for her himself.

Babies scratch themselves despite our best efforts.

magma32 · 25/09/2022 01:55

As others have mentioned you need to set some serous boundaries with him. How dare he even have an opinion!
i hope your are going through CMA to get maintenance from him. I wouldn’t bother with pictures etc you don’t owe him anything. Honestly stop pandering to him, it’s just a way for him to continue to control you.

ShootingForTheMoonLandingOnMyArse · 25/09/2022 01:56

It pains me you even have to ask this OP (and I say this kindly), a man who hasn’t seen his tiny baby or done any of her care for 3 weeks, let alone contributed to her costs is neglectful in the extreme. He has abandoned her and asking for pictures does not alleviate that. He knows he’s a shit father and is trying to deflect that on you.

She has scratched herself accidentally like millions of other babies before her. I can’t remember mine being in scratch mitts at 9 weeks, probably only kept them on a few weeks and there were probably scratches which are a distant memory and didn’t affect them at all.

As PPs have said, apply for CMS first thing on Monday (do not tell him) and do not respond to him anymore except for telling him to get to fuck.

If he wants to be a part of his DDs life, he needs to do more than ask for you to take pictures while you’re busy doing everything for her. Let him go to court if he’s that bothered but make sure you keep any communications of this type as evidence.

magma32 · 25/09/2022 02:01

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 25/09/2022 01:29

@Queen777 im going to sound like an echo....

it's definitely NOT neglect. Check when you've cut the nails that there aren't any sharp corners, nibble if you need to.

STOP sending him photos & videos.What HE wants isn't your problem, he's not the boss of you!! You're not his PA.

STOP taking his calls. Send him an email telling him that from now on you will only communicate with him via email. Block him everywhere else! Don't have notification on for emails (or if you must for another reason, put his on no notifications)

Do not let him dictate when he visits. When he gets off his arse & decides to visit. Don't let him in if he just turns up & if he emails telling you when he's coming tell him that's NOT how it works! HE ASKS when it's convenient for you!!

MONDAY - apply for CMS

i know you've posted about him before, but I can't recall the details.

stop letting him walk all over you!!

Excellent advice summarises everything nicely. Please do this OP.

Greyarea12 · 25/09/2022 02:08

Dont entertain this abusive twat. The more you entertain utter nonsense (abuse) like.this, the more you are going to lead a very miserable life.

And stop bowing down to him, sending him pictures & videos everyday. The more you do that, the more control he is going to think he has over you over the course of the next 18 years.

If he wants to see her, tell him to make an effort.

Honestly, for the sake of your mental health and the sake of your daughter having a happy, healthy childhood, you need to lay down boundaries with this abusive dick of a guy.

sexcupid · 25/09/2022 02:17

Usually visitation rights are not tied to financial support so don't get on the wrong side of parental laws with that line of thought pkease.

As for the post itself...baby nails are ridic sharp and grow very quickly, we and they get scratched with them, it happens. At 9 weeks old mom life is very hard (sleep is sparse for us and not all babies are on any kind of schedule even then), you are doing just fine...this asshat tho calling to yell over a baby scratching themselves and he isn't helping in any meaningful way...forget that jerk....screen your calls, hang up if he starts in on you like that, stop sending dailies...what is he doing with them? Showing the photos like he's actually present? 💜

NiceTwin · 25/09/2022 02:28

Not neglectful, in fact entirely normal for them to give themselves the odd scratch.

I would neglect to send him any photos or updates from now on though. If he wants to see how baby is, he needs to get himself round to see her, if you are happy with that.

catcurl · 25/09/2022 02:39

I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry- this from a man who hasn't seen her daughter for what currently is a third of her life?! And doesn't pay a penny.

Entirely normal OP. I have a similarly aged baby who manages to scratch himself all the time. The alternative as you know would be wrapping their hands in mittens constantly, which would hinder their development at this stage.

And I just admire anyone managing to be a single parent to a 9 week old.

I would ignore his response. Sounds like you are doing fabulously.

Realtruth24 · 25/09/2022 04:02

Stop sending him pictures. Sounds like a deadbeat anyway!