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AIBU?

Husband only happy if he gets sex

258 replies

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:05

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 24/09/2022 14:16

So sorry to hear this OP, sounds awful and it's not your fault.

I suggest you try to have a serious talk with your husband about this at a time when kids aren't around - do they sleep ok? If you tried to talk when they're in bed would you get interrupted?

Have a.think about specific instances of.his behaviour, the way he's spoken to you, how it made you feel.

It's perfectly normal for a husband to be annoyed at leas sex after kids arrive. It's absolutely not ok for him to be nasty to you about it

GreenestValley · 24/09/2022 14:17

he needs to realise you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

behaving like a petulant child is at best immature and at worst abusive.

have you told him how the situation has made you feel? You need to carve out time to feel like a normal human, then perhaps you can think about intimacy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2022 14:18

You can’t stay with someone who hates you. What does lashing out mean? He sounds revolting and sound like you’re scared of him.

pickledeggnog · 24/09/2022 14:19

Of course they're not all like this

Unfortunately you've ended up married to an asshole who has no respect for you or your children if he treats you like that.

If he pulled his weight you'd be more rested and dare say more attracted to him, he is doing nothing to help the situation he has put himself in

Do you feel safe at home?

dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2022 14:22

He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

It's important to remember that this is not acceptable for any reason

I would talk to him and don't even mention the sex aspect. Just say that it's not acceptable for him to treat you this way, and if he can't change his behaviour then the marriage is over.

If he then blames it on a lack of sex, say: just to be clear, you're saying that you will only treat me well if we have sex? You're blackmailing me into having sex with you?

How he responds to that will determine whether things can be saved.

Lockheart · 24/09/2022 14:22

You both sound very unhappy in this relationship. Has it always been this way?

StopStartStop · 24/09/2022 14:26

Even if they are all like him, it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
Forcing yourself to have sex isn't a good idea.
Teaching him to be nice to you specifically so he can get sex is enabling his entitled and rapey attitude to sex.
You get the impression he hates you - that doesn't come from nowhere. It's abusive.
Start working out how to get away. Don't tell him until it's sorted.

Notanotherwindow · 24/09/2022 14:29

I'd point out bluntly that him being a nasty cunt to you does not in any way make you want to rip his clothes off.

Having said that, I don't think you can expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. You need to sit down together and maturely discuss the way forward, whether that be you trying harder, opening the marriage up to him sleeping with other people, splitting up or whatever.

Him being nasty is a problem and so is you not wanting sex. Both need resolving or this relationship is over.

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/09/2022 14:32

Leave him. Seriously. There is no talking to men like this. You clearly can’t stand each other and you will set a dreadful example to your kids.

Life is too short to be married to an angry sex pest.

ArcticSkewer · 24/09/2022 14:33

Notanotherwindow · 24/09/2022 14:29

I'd point out bluntly that him being a nasty cunt to you does not in any way make you want to rip his clothes off.

Having said that, I don't think you can expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. You need to sit down together and maturely discuss the way forward, whether that be you trying harder, opening the marriage up to him sleeping with other people, splitting up or whatever.

Him being nasty is a problem and so is you not wanting sex. Both need resolving or this relationship is over.

Oh come on! She's got a five month old baby, so her vaginal canal just pushed a baby out only five months before. Give her a chance to heal and recover before starting talk of a 'sexless marriage' and 'trying harder'

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:39

I'm honestly at my wits end.


I can't see that my feelings about sex are going to change. I just want my space. He's a nasty arsehole when he doesn't get it. It makes me want to give it out even less. Who does he think he is? That he thinks he can just take my body like that when I don't want to?

Like it's his ? I would rather be just left me.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 14:41

Why don’t you leave him?

and no not all mean are rapists and will make someone have sex without willing consent.

why on earth would have another baby with a man like this?

ehy would you stay?

alloutoflunchideas · 24/09/2022 14:41

What a revolting human
You’ll be much happier without him

Novum · 24/09/2022 14:46

Who does he think he is? That he thinks he can just take my body like that when I don't want to?

Like it's his ? I would rather be just left me.

Then make it happen, but on the basis that you leave him. Start planning your exit now.

DragonflyNights · 24/09/2022 14:51

It sounds like a horrible situation and deeply unhealthy. What’s stopping you from thinking about leaving him?

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:53

DragonflyNights · 24/09/2022 14:51

It sounds like a horrible situation and deeply unhealthy. What’s stopping you from thinking about leaving him?

I don't want to regret it one day that I didn't try harder. Having small kids is a rough time in any marriage. Especially with his work schedule, it's very very tough. So the hope is that things could improve. But the longer it goes on, the more I dislike him and vice versa.

OP posts:
Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 14:55

Christ get some self respect.

how do you think trying harder is going to stop him from being a rapist?

his behaviour is not your fault.

try harder to look after yourself

Notanotherwindow · 24/09/2022 14:57

Then leave him. Neither of you are happy. The only thing you are likely to regret is staying for so long.

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:58

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 14:55

Christ get some self respect.

how do you think trying harder is going to stop him from being a rapist?

his behaviour is not your fault.

try harder to look after yourself

I don't think he's a rapist at all. I don't consider what happens rape. Sorry if that's how it sounds. That's not what it is.

It's sex caused by blackmailing perhaps lol. Or sex to keep him happy / keep the peace / avoid arguments. But it's NOT rape and he's not a rapist.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2022 14:59

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:53

I don't want to regret it one day that I didn't try harder. Having small kids is a rough time in any marriage. Especially with his work schedule, it's very very tough. So the hope is that things could improve. But the longer it goes on, the more I dislike him and vice versa.

Absolutely, having small kids is a tough time, but I never felt like my husband hated me, or was coercing me into sex -- that is a really extreme level of tough time.

When people talk about making it work and trying to get through this time, it's usually about things like arguing over who is more tired and who gets the lie-in, or someone not doing the dishes enough. Not a man coercing his wife into sex.

You should absolutely not have sex if you don't want to, and if he can't handle that without being a complete twat, then he should go. I really don't think you'll regret it.

Arou · 24/09/2022 15:06

What makes you say he hates you? Is this in response to not putting out? Do you know the two are completely correlated, could it be lashing out due to lack of sleep or adjustment as a new parent? Are you sure that you’re not feeling guilty about not giving him sex right away or feeling pressured and jumping to the conclusion that that’s why he’s losing his rag at you?

HamiltonFan1 · 24/09/2022 15:09

@atmywitsendd

Please for your sake and that of your children raise your bar

He isn't going to get better

And blackmail nullifies consent, so you might not consider it rape but you need to really start seeing this for the serious issue it is

Hopeandlove · 24/09/2022 15:11

Hand on sweetheart - he works long hours and you work 24/7 looking after his children.

he needs to pick up some parenting and housework here not you

if he doesn’t buck his ideas up I’d work separate and show him what 50/50 looks like

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 15:13

Arou · 24/09/2022 15:06

What makes you say he hates you? Is this in response to not putting out? Do you know the two are completely correlated, could it be lashing out due to lack of sleep or adjustment as a new parent? Are you sure that you’re not feeling guilty about not giving him sex right away or feeling pressured and jumping to the conclusion that that’s why he’s losing his rag at you?

I can just tell when we have sex, he's much nicer to me. The mood is better and he doesn't blow up at me as much about small stuff. The longer we don't have sex for, the worse he gets. He's more short tempered and he also just complains a lot more about me and what I do and that I don't pay attention to him etc.

OP posts:
cooldarkroom · 24/09/2022 15:14

You are not a blow up doll, you are exhausted, & he isn't lightening the load, does he so anything to be nice ? does he bring you a cup of tea, or say, I'll bathe the kids, take a minute to breath.
You fall into bed, exhausted & then rather than being allowed to rest & recover before a child gets you up in the night, he wants a fuck.
Tell him he is surely aware of the need to sleep, if he actually participated in the family you wouldn't be so cripplingly tired, & might actually feel loved, & cared for, so feel like loving him back, not just accepting being fucked as quickly as possible so he can empty his ball sack.

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