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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband only happy if he gets sex

258 replies

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 14:05

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

OP posts:
gnilliwdog · 24/09/2022 20:03

OP I think you need to consider what posters have said around planning your exit. He probably senses that you are having sex when you don't want it, and yet he continues to pressurise you. What does that say about who he is? His irritability keeps you walking on eggshells, it's controlling. What sort of person communicates like this? Have you thought about leaving, even temporarily?

Wolfiefan · 24/09/2022 20:06

No this is absolutely not what all men are like. He is using his behaviour to coerce you into sex. It’s NOT OK. He needs to stop or you need to split. That how you feel safe.

Original poster
atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:08

gnilliwdog · 24/09/2022 20:03

OP I think you need to consider what posters have said around planning your exit. He probably senses that you are having sex when you don't want it, and yet he continues to pressurise you. What does that say about who he is? His irritability keeps you walking on eggshells, it's controlling. What sort of person communicates like this? Have you thought about leaving, even temporarily?

He says I just need to relax and then I'll get into it and that I'm so rigid with it. He puts it 100 percent on me basically, it's completely my fault because I don't want to have sex.

I don't even want to spend time with him really. Because either he will mention how dissatisfied he is and how lacking things are in that department of our marriage. Or he will eventually try it on and then I either give in or say no and he gets upset.

Have I thought about leaving ? No. I've made it all into my own short coming. Maybe if we went to counselling ? I have suggested that to him. He's not so keen. But perhaps if I tried. You all say to leave him. That's a massive, massive thing to do. And no I'm not worried about money whatsoever. I just didn't get married to divorce so quickly and easily. I believe marriage is hard and you should work at it. Maybe a counsellor could make us see why this had happened.

It's not a new problem, but it has intensified since having kids.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 24/09/2022 20:21

@atmywitsendd

You are clearly literally at your wits end... You are destroying your mental health by trying to reconcile the irreconcilable here.

Leaving is massive... I get that and know first hand how terrifying that can be, especially with a young family. I think the minimum you need is a break, at least a couple of weeks apart, to try and defuse the toxicity and get some space.

If your serious about doing everything you reasonably can before calling quits on your marriage, the worst thing you can do is to press on regardless and risk spiralling into mental illness with the stress, with all the harm that will do to your kids.

Wolfiefan · 24/09/2022 20:22

This is coercive control. It’s abuse. Counselling isn’t appropriate for an abusive partner.
You get to decide if you want sex. As part of a loving and supportive relationship. If you don’t want sex then it’s not normal for your partner to sulk or be shitty.

gnilliwdog · 24/09/2022 20:22

I understand you would want your marriage to work, but I think forcing yourself to do something you don't want will be immensely damaging over time. I do think your body is telling you something - it's impossible to feel like having sex if you don't feel safe. That's a kind of survival mechanism. Maybe your subconscious is telling you something about your relationship, that it isn't good for you. There is also the fact that sometimes people are not sexually compatible and if one has a greater appetite or very different desires it won't work. You can't twist yourself like a pretzel to please someone else. Counselling is an option, but you would need to agree it soon and he would need to accept not pressurising you in the meantime.

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 20:22

It’s happened because he’s an arsehole

but I suspect you’re trauma bonded to him

Tuilpmouse · 24/09/2022 20:22

And it sounds like you very much need counselling for yourself even if he won't.

Original poster
atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:29

Wolfiefan · 24/09/2022 20:22

This is coercive control. It’s abuse. Counselling isn’t appropriate for an abusive partner.
You get to decide if you want sex. As part of a loving and supportive relationship. If you don’t want sex then it’s not normal for your partner to sulk or be shitty.

I've read a bit about coercive control. It just doesn't quite sound as extreme as that to me.

The other day though, I did hear a FB video ( a random one ) a woman was describing it in that. That's the first time I thought, maybe it is a bit of coercive control. I just think the word abuser gets thrown around on here a lot. I'm just not sure I would call him that. Or rapist, is so extreme.

Maybe I need to read up more on coercive control. But I don't frequently get called names etc. occasionally I do get called stupid/ or idiot.

I think the main thing I feel is that things seem to be my fault always, according to him and also I always doubt whether it's just all in my head and not that bad. I used to be told I don't take criticism that well, although I actually think I take it too well. In the sense that I often think things are my fault. Anyway, I'm frazzled to be honest. I don't know if it's me and my personality and my inability to accept criticism / get offended easily or if he is actually an abuser.

OP posts:
Original poster
atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:33

Tuilpmouse · 24/09/2022 20:22

And it sounds like you very much need counselling for yourself even if he won't.

I have had counselling before. I've recently had a little bit of CBT. Which is absolutely pointless for me and my situation I think.

Previously I had a couple of years of private psychotherapy to deal with some stuff. I did find that very helpful. Maybe I could start seeing someone in that way again. The CBT was just nothing like that. I didn't even get to speak hardly and definitely not about this.

OP posts:
gnilliwdog · 24/09/2022 20:33

I think when someone is constantly invading your boundaries it's only natural to feel frazzled and confused.

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2022 20:34

Marriage is hard work but it is a partnership and it takes work on both sides.

What it isnt is one person blaming and destroying another which is what you are describing

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 20:39

HE IS ABUSIVE

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

MillyWithaY · 24/09/2022 20:39

Him being nasty is a problem and so is you not wanting sex. Both need resolving or this relationship is over.
Jesus Christ, did you ever stop to think that him being vile is the reason she doesn't want sex with him?!!

Original poster
atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:40

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 20:39

HE IS ABUSIVE

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

OP posts:
vipersnest1 · 24/09/2022 20:44

What would they do?
They'd have a wank and get over themselves.
This is not some duty you owe him. If he wants sex, he needs to make you feel valued and honoured in your everyday life, regardless of the fact you have young children.
I'm sorry to say, but you seem to be normalising this - and I know what I'm talking about when it comes to coercive sex, as that is what this is, whether or not you want to acknowledge it.
Sorry to be so blunt, OP.
I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:45

Even now, I'm just sitting here thinking.. I've probably exaggerated it all. It's not that bad. It's probably my impression that he is nicer when we've had sex and meaner when we haven't etc.

I've made a big deal out of nothing. Of course he gets frustrated. I'm not making him feel loved etc. what if a man refused to have sex with me ? How would I feel ? It would also upset me. I don't think I would lash out, but I would probably cry and feel bad about myself.

He must feel bad about himself. I feel sorry for him.

Just giving you an idea of what happens inside my head.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 24/09/2022 20:45

atmywitsendd · 24/09/2022 20:40

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

Show quote history

Treat you with respect, love and kindness. Give you space. Talk about it respectfully and with empathy. Understand. Care. Give you time. Help you.

Teenyliving · 24/09/2022 20:47

I’m guessing you had a traumatic childhood op and your partner recreates a toxic pattern that you’re used to

you can address your issues - but you need to want to - there is comfort staying in a toxic and abusive relationship because it’s what you know and you don’t have to make the effort to make big changes

up to you what you want to do.

but you do have a choice

picklemewalnuts · 24/09/2022 20:48

Has anyone suggested the Freedom Program yet? Please look into it, OP. It may clarify your thinking.

picklemewalnuts · 24/09/2022 20:49

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

Ask how they can help, can they pick up some of the pressure, buy you flowers...

Anything except pushing until you give in.

Lyinginthebath · 24/09/2022 20:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

tickticksnooze · 24/09/2022 20:52

You have massively minimised, you haven't exaggerated.

You're describing the legal definition of rape then excusing it and minimising and justifying. That's the opposite of exaggeration

But yeh, that narrative in your head is a coping strategy for trauma.

When people talk about working at a marriage, they mean both people working together in a healthy way - they don't mean one person trying to find a way to cope with being raped on a regular basis.

HyggeandTea · 24/09/2022 20:54

I found it useful to imagine a friend or my daughter in the same situation, and what I would say to them. Then I asked myself why I wasn't worthy of the same advice?

Good luck to you, OP. x

Howtogetpastthis · 24/09/2022 20:56

I can answer this because I'm in a similar situation but my partner is def not abusive. 2 young kids, completely gone off sex since being pregnant with the second. I think it's hormones with that and breastfeeding as my libido has just tanked. DH has a very high sex drive, always has and needs sex or some sort of release at least once a day.

I'm not saying we're perfect at all, but how we deal with it - I explain exactly how I feel - love him, find him just as attractive but I just have a very low sex drive at the moment. I reassure him that it's not him, I don't want sex with anyone right now! In turn he talks to me about how it's hard for him to go without as his drive is just the same and hes very attracted to me. We talk about how it would be great if our sex drives matched up all the time like they used to, reminisce about previous great sex or look forward to great sex in the future. Generally keep the communication and talking open. He of course has to w*nk at least once a day, which is fine, we can have a joke about it and I'll often let him look (tmi sorry) we try and keep it light and have a laugh. Sometimes we'll have sex because I want to feel close to him even tho I really don't feel 'in the mood' again I'm quite open about that and it is what it is. Its completely my choice to do that.

It's hard because I do think it affects the relationship not having sex as much, it definitely has mine. But I think the communication has to be open and respectful to avoid all this resentment building up and exploding out everywhere and that seems to be completely missing in what you've said.