Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

[atmywitsendd]

@justasking111 I really don't care about other peoples sex lives. Why are you asking me if I'm envious ? That's a strange question.

You also seem to be hell bent on telling me I've denied my husband sex for 11 years and that I should never have married him.

I did not deny him sex for 11 years. I just started going off it then. We still had sex anyway. Things have become very difficult since we had kids. It's not been that bad for 11 years. He knew exactly what he was buying when he married me. Our differing sex drives were apparent early on. But shoot us for loving each other anyway and thinking we could work on it.

[atmywitsendd]

@justasking111 I totally do not care about other peoples sex lives or marriages. So I guess you could say I'm numb to it.

I think everyone has problems behind closed doors.

I don't know any relationships I look up to or wish I had. Everyone has problems. I've seen far far worse in my time than what I have with my husband.

People think it's all hunky dory for the first couple of years and then the real shit comes out. Then add kids to that and every day problems and there you are.

[Jedsnewstar]

It’s selfish to expect anyone to remain in a relationship that is lacking intimacy.

[atmywitsendd]

@Jedsnewstar

It’s selfish to expect anyone to remain in a relationship that is lacking intimacy.

I'm not expecting anyone to stay.

[Asperia]

If your marriage is making you unhappy, for whatever reason, it is OK to leave it. You’ve obviously tried v hard to improve it. If it doesn’t, you can leave it, co-parent with this man and seek happiness either alone or with someone else. Your kids need to see their Mum being happy.

[justasking111]

@Asperia

If your marriage is making you unhappy, for whatever reason, it is OK to leave it. You’ve obviously tried v hard to improve it. If it doesn’t, you can leave it, co-parent with this man and seek happiness either alone or with someone else. Your kids need to see their Mum being happy.

And their dad

[Brefugee]

It's sex caused by blackmailing perhaps lol

"lol" LO-FUCKING-L? Jesus OP what you are talking about is coercion. That is rape no matter how many mn-ers will come here and say it isn't. I was feeling quite sorry for you up to the "lol" now? not so much.

But if there is an awful atmosphere at home and he "lashes out" that is not good for your children's brain development. Think about them for a while.

[atmywitsendd]

@Brefugee

It's sex caused by blackmailing perhaps lol

"lol" LO-FUCKING-L? Jesus OP what you are talking about is coercion. That is rape no matter how many mn-ers will come here and say it isn't. I was feeling quite sorry for you up to the "lol" now? not so much.

But if there is an awful atmosphere at home and he "lashes out" that is not good for your children's brain development. Think about them for a while.

Sorry for having just the tiniest bit of a sense of humour in my situation.

[Cameleongirl]

You both sound miserable and incompatible, OP. You say that you married because you loved each other-but in your initial post, you said that you don’t think he loves you any more. And it doesn’t sound as if you love him.

There’s your answer really.

[Ladybug14]

""Sorry for having just the tiniest bit of a sense of humour in my situation.""

There is nothing, absolutely nothing to LOL about in your situation. There is no humour to be found. You need to leave him asap

[Brefugee]

Sorry for having just the tiniest bit of a sense of humour in my situation.

it is a measure of how seriously you should be taking it that nobody else is laughing. But you do you.

[atmywitsendd]

@Brefugee

Sorry for having just the tiniest bit of a sense of humour in my situation.

it is a measure of how seriously you should be taking it that nobody else is laughing. But you do you.

It's just difficult for me to think of this as rape and also to think of what's happening as abuse.

I've seen abuse first hand at home. It's nothing like that in my relationship. I'm just getting educated on more covert types of abuse now. But it's not completely sinking in that that's what this is. I'm just being honest. I just find it hard to believe that I'm some kind of victim.

I'll continue educating myself/ speaking to people / organisations / counsellors etc. maybe I'll see it eventually.

For me, abuse is being told you're a piece of shit and worthless and being screamed at every day. It's terrorising your wife every day. Everyone jumping up from the sofa as soon as dad gets home from work, because he'll call you lazy and shout at you if you're sitting down. It's dad smacking mum because she forgot to buy milk. It's your child wishing her father was dead because when he wasn't around, there was finally a little bit of peace at home.

It's nothing like this in my marriage.

[Teenyliving]

Your children are also going to have a story about going up in an abusive house OP

[Thelnebriati]

I totally understand not wanting to be thought of as a victim. Women's Aid won't treat you as one. You might also be interested in The Freedom Program, you can do it online if you can't make classes in real life.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

[Wolfiefan]

There is more than one type of abuse OP.

[atmywitsendd]

@Teenyliving

Your children are also going to have a story about going up in an abusive house OP

I really don't want that.

[Wolfiefan]

So you need to make a change

[Teenyliving]

You sound so disconnected at the moment OP

i agree contact womens aid

and start to prepare to leave

it might help you to think about doing it for your children rather than you

[atmywitsendd]

@Teenyliving

You sound so disconnected at the moment OP

i agree contact womens aid

and start to prepare to leave

it might help you to think about doing it for your children rather than you

Yes definitely. It's just, we all have different experiences in life. What I know, is all I know. I never got to look into someone else's family.

I just know that what I have, is much much much better than what I've seen.

And if you asked my parents, believe me, what they showed me is 100 million times better than how they grew up too. They think they were amazing parents and the squabbles were not ideal, but nothing compared to what they lived through. So I guess that makes you think. I'm my dads princess apparently. He takes zero responsibility for how much disrespect I witnessed and how that could have an effect on me.

I don't want to do this to my kids. I really don't. I just need to really see that this is the same thing, but less severe. But I'm struggling with it.

[Wolfiefan]

Would you want this relationship for one of your kids?

[Throckmorton]

You say that marriage is hard and that all couples have trouble behind closed doors. That's not actually true though - being married to a good person is easy. Your husband isn't a good person.

[BoxOfCats]

It's abusive because abuse is fundamentally about control. Abuse does not have to involve yelling or violence. It is about controlling the other person. And that is exactly what he is doing here, his behaviour is designed to communicate to you the consequences of not doing what he wants you to. It is designed to manipulate you into falling into line.

[OldFan]

I don't think it's even less severe at all really @atmywitsendd . It's very severe, in a slightly different way. That's all.

[Nanny0gg]

@justasking111

And their dad

This thread is about the OP.

Stop with the whataboutery.

She needs to leave him for her.

And seek counselling pronto.