Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

He's an arsehole. You can't make this marriage work. Sorry

I'm on Mat leave right now. It's never been 50-50 and never will be with us, because of the type of work he does. So it's always going to be more up to me. I dread the thought of going back to work, as I'll be even more tired.

@atmywitsendd I'm in an identical situation- am now 60 and to be honest I think I've simply had enough sex to really not be bothered about any more. Maybe I might feel different with someone new- but after27 years I'm simply not feeling that way anymore- it's hard OP

Ah - just coercive sex then - lol indeed

It's perfectly normal for a husband to be annoyed at less sex after kids arrive

It is not normal at all to be "annoyed." It is normal to be disappointed. A normal mature adult and parent would simply understand and help all they can and bide their time till things settle - and keep lines of communication open.

This man sees you as his sexual property. You are not.

You sound exhausted. You probably both are. Being a new parent takes a lot of adjustment to a new kind of life and I think you could be piling this pressure to put out on yourself and maybe feeling guilty? Your husband might be miffed the relationship has changed - it’s bound to - but that may not just be sex.

How do you feel about just sitting down and saying I still feel crap post part I’m and I’m not ready for sex regularly again yet. I know we haven’t had time for each other and things have been tense is there a way for us to reconnect for us to feel closer (without sex) and you’d feel better just knowing you haven’t got that expectation over your head. I think his reaction will tell you whether you are looking too far into things or not or maybe it will diffuse things? Maybe if you have some relationship time without sex being on the table you may start liking each other and you may want to have sex anyway without that invisible pressure. Good luck though x

Blackmailed into sex is sexual abuse at best, rape at worst

Divorce

OP, just imagine that this is your daughters life. What advice would you give her? Your husband sounds awful and your life will be so much better without him. You do not need permission to leave him. Let go of the idea that there’s a set amount of effort you need to expend before leaving him is justified. He has you trapped into a cycle abuse and is manipulating you into doing things you don’t want. I can imagine it’s hard to admit but I hope you find the strength to and can talk to someone on real life. Babies are hard but they’re not an excuse for abuse. Take care and raise the bar.

This sounds like a very abuse and rapey relationship to me op, just because he’s your husband /father of your child doesn’t mean it’s not rape when he’s abusing the right to sleep with you.

No I wouldn’t stay or “try harder” to make him /life happier. Most men are NOT like this and you win nothing by staying as things stand.

Coerced sex, is rape.
Sex you have to have or he'll be bad tempered, is rape.
Saying yes because he's an awful bastardised you say no, is rape.

He may not hold you down and attack you violently, but he's abusive if you don't give him sex.

Anyway, that aside, have you told him that you don't fancy sex with an abusive arsehole?

Next time he blows up at you tell him you won't be having sex with him again until he has been lovely to you for a while. Keep repeating it to yourself and cement it in your head that that is your boundary and you will stick to it.

If he tells you he will be lovely to you once you've had sex, you tell him in that case you won't be having sex again then in that case.

I wouldn't be having sex with someone who isn't nice to me. No matter how angry it made them. You need to be the one to dig her heels in harder here.

But if he's able to be nice to you in order to 'earn' sex, then he's currently choosing to be vile.

Honestly there's no way back from this, imo.

I threw DH out over this very issue, OP. We had 3 kids under 5 at the time. He was snappy, nasty, and made me feel utterly worthless. I'd give in and have sex to shut him up/end a sulk and then he'd sulk even more because I wasn't being sexy enough or wouldn't dress up in sexy lingerie etc.......... it was a never ending list of demands that I was always set up to fail at.

It honestly made me dread him coming through the front door every night, so I told him to go off and find the endless line of open fannies that he thought were out there...... excuse my vulgarity. He was soon begging to come back after a few months in the real world. There's no place in any marriage for coercive sex.

Men often want sex when women dont, women less so.

Wanting to make love to your wife most viral men like me are up to it almost daily but as women get older or the younger ones busy/etc, women are not always up to it understandably so. My solution is sex without my OH, no cheating..

He is being a not nice - tell him to not just to love you but help you with the daily routines etc and when you have free time and feel more comfortable and sexy you will see.

Tell him to get a blow-up dol but first he needs to pull his weight

The only reason you are staying is because you dont want to regret leaving having not tried harder

The thing is you cant try any harder without forcing yourself to do something that will each time mean you lose a little bit of yourself. The only way it could be better is if he changed.

And I think you know that will never happen. You are both unhappy that will be an awful environment for your children to grow up in

I think you need to give him an ultimatum... Telling him straight that what's happening isn't acceptable, and that there needs to be change.

It might, just might, be the kick up the backside he needs to make proper changes, and apologise for how he's treated you.

If he doesn't engage,'then you've tried all you reasonably can, and you separate... difficult as that is, it's better than living with someone who blackmails you for sex.

I agree.

You may not feel like it's rape or assault because he's not physically forcing you to have sex, but emotionally he is.
He's making your life hell unless you give in to sex. This is serious. Please get away from this man. It's abuse.

Are they all like this? no.

I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it plan your escape. Leave him.

He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing if you dont leave him your self-esteem will be damaged beyond repair. Your children will then suffer.

I know you don't want to think of it as rape op, but you feel coerced into sex. If you dont allow him to have sex with you, there are consequences for you. That’s not a free choice.

It's a really tough spot. Because how long can you deny your partner sex?

Like a previous poster said, I dread him coming home. I just want to be left in peace. I don't want to feel like I have to either make him unhappy or make myself unhappy by giving in.

It's OK for a few weeks and then he gets really frustrated again and I can tell by the way he snaps, that's why he snaps.

I keep thinking, why can't I just do it ? What's wrong with me ? Why do I not want to make him happy ? I am such a selfish person, only thinking of my own needs NOT to have sex. I keep thinking, I might lose everything, just because I couldn't bring myself to have sex ? If I could just bring myself to do it. And then I still just can't. It's like there's a block. It makes me feel ill thinking about it. I'm just so put off.

You’re not listening to anything anyones saying OP

you’re in a very abusivr relationship.

your husband is abusive

The more you have sex you don't want, the more you don't want sex at all. And your body remembers the trauma of being made to do what someone else wants, not what you want. Your body is telling you it doesn't want sex because at some level you don't feel safe with this man.

How can I feel safe again ?

You don’t owe anyone your body.

I’d be leaving your husband if I were you. He sounds abusive, and an entitled arsehole. He’s not treating you with respect or love.

@atmywitsendd what are you going to lose. You clearly dont feel safe, loved or supported at all.