Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

OP, lots of the advice above is good. Your husband is being thoroughly unreasonable at best.

However, I loathe this kind of comment. Why would any woman want to hand her children over 50% of the time in order to prove a point to a shitty ex? It is so desperately wrong, not least for the children. I'd be keener to show him what 100/0 looks like (I realise this couldn't happen in this case - but losing your children for half of the time is a very, very big deal for you and them, and is not something to be undertaken lightly. I didn't leave my husband until the DC were older for precisely this reason).

Firstly I'm not condoning his behaviour in any way!! Just trying to look at this from another angle. I actually think some men can suffer from post natal depression. Definitely worth talking it out but surely thats not good for your mental health either :(

This is awful.

You aren't the first poster with a thread like this on mn.

Lots of women have been supported out of abusive relationships. Maybe read some old threads? It will show you the light at the end of the tunnel.

You are thinking the way you are because you are being traumatised. Your body and subconscious knows this even if your conscious mind cant process it yet.

My ex was just the same. He made everything my fault, he demanded sex, sulked and raged when he didn’t get it and generally treated me like shit. There’s no way you can stay with a man like that. I felt so happy when my divorce came through. I subsequently met a kind and gentle man.

You deserve better @atmywitsendd , get your ducks in a row.

My EXDP used to do this. It made my skin crawl, and the last thing I wanted to do was sleep with him (although I did on occasion when his sulking became unbearable).

In your shoes, I'd just leave him.

Depression and high sex drive don't usually go together

OP, as an example, my husband and I have a pre schooler and a baby. We hardly ever have sex at the moment. I’m tired, our nights are disturbed and I’m touched out from the kids. He gets it. He helps by doing his share with the children and his share of the housework so there’s less strain on me. He wants to spend TIME together not just sex. He is in it with me and understands it won’t always be like this it’s just the young kids phase! He has a big job and is tired too.

Your situation sounds claustrophobic and scary. It’s not you. Honestly I think you’d be better off without him. You said yourself you dread him coming home.xxx

Hope you are feeling OK, OP. Be kind to yourself, do some reading and research. Let us know how you are feeling if it helps.

It's sexual coercion, it is abuse. My partner was like this, I am leaving.

And he had spent all day yesterday telling me it is my fault we are splitting. Not because it was me that made the decision, but because I didn't want sex with him.

We hadn't had sex at all 5 months after I had my first baby (and some months before that too!).

He... was extra nice to me, brought me food and drinks while I was breastfeeding babies, did his share of the housework, let me have naps and lie-ins. Just behaved like a normal human being and once life with small children settled down a bit we talked and got back into more regular sex that we both wanted/enjoyed.

Mine was like this when our kids were little, after a bit of adjusting.

NRTF, so apologies if this is redundant. OP, at five months after giving birth, it's perfectly normal to have little to no desire for sex. Aside from being completely touched out and tired, it's too soon for you to get pregnant again safely. It's your body watching out for itself. Perhaps you can help him to understand this.

Hi OP, just want to share my current situation to see if it helps shed any light! I have a DD who’s just turned 2 and I’m 17 weeks pregnant with the next one! Since having DD I’ve not been bothered about sex much at all but we used to be at it quite a lot before! So DP has a high sex drive and can get frustrated without it for a while BUT has never once called me names, put blame on me or blown up at me about it. He has sometimes told me in a frustrated way that that is why he’s been feeling tense or a bit snappy but that’s been the worst of it. We talk about it, he works full time, i work 30 hours and do most of the child care but he does a lot of the house work and often asks me what I need from him to make things easier etc and we work together. It’s not always been perfect and we still argue sometimes and have night where all we do is watch the tv together just exhausted and don’t even talk. But we muddle through together. One thing we did when I felt a bit more human once DD started sleeping a bit better was to have a “date night” once a week on the day we both had the least on, this usually led to something happening and I found it better because I could “prepare” for it or try to get myself in the mood. It was just a one off him asking for it and me just feeling exhausted and saying no. This swiftly led to me getting pregnant again though so now we’re back to just communicating our way through it! I hope this helps in some way. It’s normal for them to get frustrated but it’s never okay to be treated the way you have been. Sending love x

Just highlighting this because I wish I'd realised it sooner. My ExH and I are both far happier apart. There is no prize for working through a shit marriage (and I assure you, that firmly includes marriages involving coersive sex, manipulation, no support and name calling); only the waste of a life you could have enjoyed.

You could have a nice, peaceful life OP. One where you don't dread the evening and stress about the day the prick is back in your bed, rather than the babes currently there... Doesn't that sound lovely? He doesn't deserve you: not your body, your love, nor your respect.

Speaking to friends/family about your sex life must be awkward for many people, I imagine, I've never done it and I have no clue about anyone else's either!

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a serious talk about your relationship. He needs to realize that you're exhausted and stop pressuring you into sex; you need to decide whether you want a physical relationship with him going forward. To share my own experience, I've personally found that the longer you avoid sex, the more daunting it becomes.

You deserve better

OP this was me. I let him just do it because I couldn't cope with the moods. Eventually my body literally would not let him in and I hated myself for no longer being able to let him get on with it. Eventually I left for my own sanity and the feeling of going to bed for the first time knowing I wouldn't be pawed at was beautiful.

I met my current partner and initially the sex was great but a lot of the past caught up with me. We were sexless for 5 years. He never complained, he never appeared to love me less, we slowly got back to a fulfilling sex life and it's never been better. He notices when I'm not ok, he stops, understands, hugs me and holds me right. He's just happy we are together.

Sex is not the problem, it's the man.

No man who loves you would ever have sex with you when he knows you don't want to or aren't in to it. He doesn't love you. Why stay with someone who doesn't love you?

I've read on here about people working from home, I would love to do this I have good qualifications and have admin customer service and banking jobs in the past can anyone help me with this any work from home jobs

It's so disheartening to read the posts telling OP she should buy him some sex toys, or excuse his behaviour for other reasons such as depression.
Assuming OP's DH is a person with full capacity, why hasn't he sought help if he's depressed?
Meanwhile, OP is left with the feeling that she is at fault, whilst she's propping up the entire family - and some posters here are reinforcing that. They need to take a serious look at themselves and I'm guess they've never actually been in a situation anywhere close to OP's, otherwise they wouldn't give such shitty 'advice'.
@atmywitsendd, I feel so sorry for you. My XH pulled this shit on me. It's one of the many reasons he's an X.
You deserve so much more.

You poor poor woman. No decent man uses sex or a lack of sex as a way to punish their wife. Why would you want to be near or intimate with a man who treats you awfully and with such spite. If he needs sex and it effects his mood then he can just have a wank, there’s absolutely no reason for you to be used as an object to satisfy him. What you’re describing isn’t what being in a loving marriage is like at all.

@Colourmeclear I'm glad you're in a happy relationship now, but 5 years with no sex (barring medical reasons) is very unusual and I think many relationships wouldn't survive it, do you?

1. His urges are not your problem.
2. Yours and your kids personal safety is your priority.
3. Calling WomanAid = outpouring of pain and grief you didn't know you had in you.
4. After an outcry (point 3) actions will follow without much hesitation.
5. Yes, you can!

Then seriously consider it.

There are decent men out there. He isn't one of them

sexualrespect.columbia.edu/tea-and-consent-video