Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

[MangshorJhol]

I really went off sex after DC2. For months. DH never ever ever pestered me. And this is a man who has an extremely busy and tiring job (he’s a doctor and an epidemiologist in the US so you can guess what the last few years have been like). I cannot imagine him forcing me to do anything or grumbling about sex. He did say to me that if I was up for it he wanted to have movie nights and cuddle with ZERO expectation of sex. And that really helped to keep our marriage going even if we weren’t having sex. Zero pressure. Nothing but kindness and he is an utterly equal parent who does not treat my lower paying job as an add on.
In other words, you don’t have to give your body to someone to keep them happy. There are plenty of good husbands around whose view of their wife is a little bit more than their vaginas…

[Weirdlynormal]

@atmywitsendd

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

My DH said nothing. I expect he just had a wank instead.

OP this is awful to read. He is being horrible to you, really really horrible. Imagine one of you children putting up with this. How sad would that make you feel. Please take some action to change things.

[whynotwhatknot]

so he calls you idot says he doesnt like you coerces you to have sex but that isnt enough to leave?

[EmeraldShamrock1]

No they're not.

Mine rarely has sex lately and hasn't pushed it.

My friend has the same issue with husband works long hours rarely helps with the children.

The only time he makes an effort to be nice is when he is looking for sex.

If she isn't in the mood working PT and doing everything else he becomes moody and depressed suggesting divorce etc.

[MikeWozniaksMoustache]

@atmywitsendd

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

I’ll tell you what mine does. Have a wank and get over it.

He understands life with children has changed. He doesn’t pressure. He doesn’t shout. When I’m stressed he runs a bath, does the dishes, hoovers, gets the rum in, puts music on wnd dances with me, tells me he loves me, creates intimacy without sex. And I tell you it works more than abuse.

[OldFan]

It's sex caused by blackmailing perhaps lol.

It's called sexual coercion OP and it's not right.
It is rape really- you're being manipulated into having sex when you don't want to, don't fully consent.
I cut off a lover that was doing it to me in various ways a few years ago, and you're right about how it will be @atmywitsendd , it's sooo peaceful.

Then I did the Freedom Programme.
He's also verbally abusing you sometimes and making you think everything's your fault.

He hasn't gone chasing other women yet, but he understands why men do it, apparently.

A lot of them say that. This is classic sexual control OP.

Of course you don't want to spend time with him, he's so pushy and tries to get you to have sex you don't want.

[atmywitsendd]

Oh no, I can't access my PMs as I can't log in on the main site, as I don't know my password. Could you share on here ? Sorry !

[billy1966]

That is not the answer of a real friend.

You are post partum with a 5 month old baby and he is threatening you that it will be your fault.

You really need to speak the words out loud.

It will help to call Womens aid.

Please call them.

[atmywitsendd]

@EmeraldShamrock1

No they're not.

Mine rarely has sex lately and hasn't pushed it.

My friend has the same issue with husband works long hours rarely helps with the children.

The only time he makes an effort to be nice is when he is looking for sex.

If she isn't in the mood working PT and doing everything else he becomes moody and depressed suggesting divorce etc.

What does your friend do about it ?

[OlderParents]

Oh love. I wish I could wave a magic wand and get you to see it all clearly.

Sex without enthusiastic consent is non-consensual. Agreeing to sex to avoid bad moods and arguments isn't freely given consent,

If marriage is supposed to be hard, and it takes work, what work is he putting in?

If you do get some counselling or therapy (and if one doesn't work for you it's perfectly okay to switch until you find one that does), please go individually not to couples therapy. it will help you to see what is happening more clearly. xx

[atmywitsendd]

@billy1966

That is not the answer of a real friend.

You are post partum with a 5 month old baby and he is threatening you that it will be your fault.

You really need to speak the words out loud.

It will help to call Womens aid.

Please call them.

OK I never thought I needed something like woman's aid. But I'll call them tomorrow.

[mommatoone]

@atmywitsendd

Tell me, what would a non abusive partner do, if their wife wasn't up for sex for a prolonged period of time ?

They wouldn't put the blame on you or bully you into it.
They would talk it out like adults and respect each others feelings.
OP deep down you know this isnt ok.
I wish you all the best.

[BadNomad]

I just didn't get married to divorce so quickly and easily. I believe marriage is hard and you should work at it.

I never understand this way of thinking. Whether you divorce after 6 months or stay married for 70 years, no one gives you a reward at the end of it all. But still, countless people waste their youth and years trying to "save" miserable relationships under the belief that marriage makes it more special. It isn't.

What kind of life is it to lie there while someone humps on you so they will stop being a cunt to you for 5 minutes afterwards? It's horrible and a waste.

[atmywitsendd]

Thank you. Thanks to everyone else too.

[Ell95]

Tell the bloody horrible bastard to start taking the kids off your hands, make you feel special, start doing nice things for you like taking you out on date nights and making you break fast in bed sometimes and getting up with the kids on his days off and actually treat you like a human fucking being, instead of expecting you to be slave robot and then you nights actually be interested in sleeping with him. Until then, if he can't change - fuck his feelings, as he doesn't seem to care about yours and treating you respectfully with attention and love.

[Summerholidays2022]

I commented earlier because I wanted you to see that coercive sex and being blackmailed is abuse and it’s rape . Reading through the full thread I need to comment again.
you’re a new mum your brain and body wants to be with your new baby and your other young child, It’s nature.
it’s not your job to keep your husband happy all the time. He’s not a kind or supportive father or partner.
You will never win with him, he’ll always want more off you, he’ll never be 100% happy because he’s an abuser.
if you want to stay, you need counselling.
personally I’d leave. I’ve dealt with men like him and they never change.

[billy1966]

@BadNomad

I just didn't get married to divorce so quickly and easily. I believe marriage is hard and you should work at it.

I never understand this way of thinking. Whether you divorce after 6 months or stay married for 70 years, no one gives you a reward at the end of it all. But still, countless people waste their youth and years trying to "save" miserable relationships under the belief that marriage makes it more special. It isn't.

What kind of life is it to lie there while someone humps on you so they will stop being a cunt to you for 5 minutes afterwards? It's horrible and a waste.

So agree.

There is no prize at the end of a long umhappy marriage, just bitter regret for not being brave enough to appreciate that you have one precious life.

[noliquidassets]

OP, just because your friend is in a similar situation doesn't mean it's okay, just means she's suffering too.

Your husband sounds abusive, you need help (Womens Aid) and to get some therapeutic help for just you.

You've got 2 kids to think of, imagine the precedent for relationships that you are setting them. You don't want to start or continue a cycle.

Don't let him make you think that you're the issue. It's not you.

[Somethingneedstochange]

Get him one of those vibrating masturbators.

[EfficientDynamics]

Buy him a Fleshlight

[Micecrospies]

I didn’t want sex for a year after my second baby and although I know DH missed it he remained kind and supportive and loving and didn’t tell me he ‘might’ go elsewhere nor that I wasn’t being a good wife.

He did ask if there was anything he could or should be doing to make me feel more relaxed and less tired and when I said no he just said could we still have a cuddle if he guaranteed no sexual pressure as he missed that too. We remained close and things got better when I was less tired and not feeding two babies half the night.

He has always done a fair share of chores and childcare because they are his children and it’s his house too.

Nothing about what you are writing suggests your husband cares about anything other than his own needs. He might think he deserves or has a right to sex but he doesnt- your body is yours alone and no decent man would want his partner to be having sex under duress or fear of his reaction if she doesn’t. That isn’t a partnership and it isn’t a loving relationship.
if he can’t see that making you feel valued and loved regardless of your desire for sex is more important and particularly so when you have got two small babies and are running a household then your marriage is at best a lost cause and more likely, dangerous.
No one who loves you would want you dreading sex.
I am so glad you have posted and are reading the replies. It is truly the hardest thing to imagine the person we married is capable of abuse and acting without love but there it is. You deserve so very much better.

[Somethingneedstochange]

www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/male-sex-toys/male-vibrators/