Husband only happy if he gets sex

[atmywitsendd]

Are they all like this ? I can't take it anymore. I just don't want to do it.

How do I get past it. He literally hates me and lashes out over every tiny thing. Everything is my fault, I can't do anything right and I actually think he despises me.

His behaviour in turn doesn't make me want to get anywhere near him at all.

We have two small kids. One baby. 5 months.

Husband works very long hours, so basically, I do everything. Older child is at nursery some days, but other than that it's on me.

I just don't have the space for sex at all.

What can I do ? Force myself? He literally hates me. He's so unhappy.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's been very useful to read your post. Because it does sound similar. He hasn't gone chasing other women yet, but he understands why men do it, apparently.

It's difficult because if he just actually hit me, it would be easy to see it for what it is. I know that sounds ridiculous. But I wouldn't feel as guilty leaving, if he did that.

All strength to you @Lyinginthebath and all the best for your future.

I didn't want to have sex at all until well after a year after I had my first child and similarly with my s

second. My husband waited patiently until I was ready.

Why does he want to have sex with someone who's clearly not willing?

He's just using your body, OP. He's not bothered about you at all.

How complicated will splitting up be?

You poor exhausted ground down woman being emotionally abused and forced and harrassed into coercive sex.

He is raping you, hard though that is to accept.

All men don't behave like this.

Only the house terrorists.

You dread him coming home, you don't want him near you.

You are a highly abused woman being raped by her husband.

Please call Womens aid and tell them truth so they can support you.

Please reach out to friends and family for support too.

Start thinking and planning for a new peaceful life.

Your children deserve better than being reared in a home with a man who treats their mother so badly.

.

It's OK for a few weeks and then he gets really frustrated again and I can tell by the way he snaps, that's why he snaps

To go against the grain here. If I had to go a few weeks without set I would start to get bloody frustrated too. However I can understand being too tired for sex.

Perhaps explain to him that you are tired because of all the childcare you do and cannot be ready for sex unless he takes some time off work to help.

Do you ever give him a handjob to release the pressure so to speak?

Calling you an idiot is abuse. He’s calling you names to try to make you have sex to keep the peace.
He is gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem here.

Op, I want to renormalise your thoughts

I’m 36, husband 41- no kids, we usually have sex once a week. Sometimes more often on holiday or less often when we’re doing other stuff at the weekend like at my parents or he’s away etc.

He is constantly kind to me, always sweet to be around, we have fun together. We have lots of affection. None of this is based on me having sex with him. He values me for more than sex. It’s just part of our connection, not the main thing he wants from me and expects me to provide.

Your comments and values are all skewed from living with this for too long and although you wouldn’t get a conviction, sex with someone who doesn’t really want to but goes along with it to keep the peace is rape, in my eyes. It’s certainly not enthusiastic consent. Think of what you’re doing to yourself and your self esteem - you’re not a sex doll, you’re a person.

@Nanny0gg I don't think it would be that complicated. We own everything 50-50. I work and could easily support myself and my kids. I also have a very supportive family, although they live about an hour flight away.

Sounds very similar to the relationship I was stuck in for 10 years. Please consider speaking to women's aid helpline.

@LimboLass

He can wank himself off , no need to involve the op

Your husband is a nasty bastard, isn't he?

Make her a cup of tea, do the kids bedtime, have some discreet "gentleman time" to take the edge,and start with non sexual affection between handling the kids and day to day life?

It's funny you say to speak to family / friends. I can't, about this.

But I mentioned to a friend that I'm sleeping with both of my babies at the moment at night and I love it.

Her response was ' well I'm sure your husband must be just thrilled about that '..

It made me feel really bad.

And yes, I don't want to be around him. He also berates me for not spending enough time with him nowadays. He says it will all be my fault because of how I behave if things don't work out.

He would talk to you kindly and gently, try to explore what might be going on with you. Perhaps suggest counselling to see if that helped. He would accept that if you weren't keen, then he had no right to push you.

OP, the reason you don't want sex with your husband, is because he's a horrible man, and you're not getting any of your own needs met.

I really don’t think some men (including my DH and yours) understand quite how utterly asexual and touched out women can feel after having a baby- especially when it’s not your first and you have a toddler making demands too. We are well past that stage and now have a very positive dynamic. But I would say it took a couple of years and the first year my husband was just furious. I think we are more used to hormones affecting our moods. His clearly were and he just didn’t know what to do without a regular release. So I don’t know what to suggest but I agree that giving in makes you hate it and him a bit. We had counselling and a lot of talking. I think if men realised how common it was - not saying every woman post baby but plenty of my friends were the same- they wouldn’t take it so personally and would also understand the cause of their bad moods. Good luck, it is tough.

Why wasn’t he having a regular wank if he needed a release? 🙄

Why are all his sexual needs your job to fulfil?

Jesus Christ, that's one of the worst responses I have ever read on MN. That last line, I mean.

And yes it is sad to feel rejected. Also somewhat draining to be in charge of a small human 24/7 and to leak milk and feel disconnected from your body and your life. Having babies involves compromise for both partners and you can’t be in charge of emotionally regulating your husband as well as your kids.

@Lyinginthebath oh really ? He used to say that to you too ?