To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

Outsource as many of the chores as you can afford as i assume he isn't doing / won't do them. Get some decent quality time back for you in your life.

Your main problem is your useless husband. Why isn't he pulling his weight? He needs to step up otherwise ditch him and get a housekeeper.

You are trapped. You're trapped in a life you don't want.

You don't want to be working FT being the main earner and doing the majority of house and kid work. Why would you be happy with that? I bloody wouldn't be.

It sounds ghastly. Don't feel you "ought to" anything. There are changes you can make as I am sure you realise but it will take assertiveness and more strength. I suggest you get some therapeutic support and then address the issues with your DH. 💐

In writing this down you've answered your own question. You feel trapped because your relationship is unbalanced and you are being left to shoulder more than you should. That would make anyone feel trapped. Sounds like your DH needs to take steps to address his mental health so he contributes much more to your family. Does he understand the impact his choices are having on you?

The problem is your husband. Does he work at all? If not, or even if he does less hours, he should be doing all or the majority of the chores. You could ditch the private school though if you wanted to cut back on your own work or find a less stressful job.

Sounds fair enough to feel ennui, 3 kids and a full time job AND chores is relentless and can be utterly miserable - hopefully you can find a way to carve out time for yourself As that’s what seems to be missing
hobbies, interests, the freedom to pursue things that excite you. Your husband needs to help you make space for that!!!

Absolutely yes, that is a lot to deal with and I feel sympathy for you but also (some advice you didnt ask for) please be very mindful of peri meno creeping up on you because that is another whole world of emotional and physical pressure on top. In the long run from the description of your set up it sounds like you will be well placed so you’ve got lots to look forward to, this too shall pass.

If you have a big job you either need more paid help or for DH or do more at home at weekends. You know this already though. I don’t know anyone with kids and a ‘big job’ who loves their job- those jobs take up all the time and energy you have and more. So be warned that the grass in another industry may not have been any greener or better paid or more family friendly.

What does your DH bring to the relationship? Sounds like things would be easier if you left.

if you feel stuck why are you paying for private school? Send them to state school so you have some freedom to take a lower paid but more enjoyable role.

Similar feelings. Good job. WFH. DH does equal share. Just bored. I have lots of interests. I generate things to stop the ground hog day feel but I just think there is something lacking. I think I could be a millionaire, doing charity work and all the hobbies I've ever wanted to do and still feel like I'm filling in time between birth and death!

I've taken to writing a book at the moment.

What is the nature of you husband's mental health issues? I'm not surprised you feel down when you are doing nearly everything. What has he done to try to manage his issues?

Main earner
Laundry
Cleaning
Shopping
Child care
3 children

What does your dh do? It's too much for you. He needs to pull his weight.

Is your husband taking steps to address his mental health issues? If he's burying his head in the sand and expecting you to do everything with the house and kids that's not ok. I'm sure most people would feel trapped if they were in your situation.

Sounds shit op.

but there are ways that you could make life easier that you don’t mention.

Cleaner?
online grocery shop?
how do you kids get to school and nursery?

I don't think any woman would be happy with this tbh. Your husband is useless

I'm so sad for you OP, because you are trapped. You're trapped by your husband's MH, and realistically there's nothing that you can do about it.
Even if he did 'take responsibility' for it, people tend to be a bit naive in thinking this brings about appreciable change. Services are rubbish and doctors have prescriptions, not magic wands. They don't hoover in people like your husband and return them as healthy, dynamic fully functioning partners. Hard truth it, what you see is probably, give or take some ups and downs, what you've got for life with him.
Your hard choice really is whether your life would be better or worse without him. On one hand, he does a bit, which is arguably slightly easier than being a single parent. On the other, he is bringing a sense of doom and gloom to your family that will over time drag you further down and make you increasingly resentful. He is also blocking your chances of finding a better life, either with or without another partner, and you only get one go round.
I think you need to really think hard about your future. Don't let peripherals like 'am Imenopausall?' 'Am I just ungrateful?' 'Should I change jobs?' be a diversion or smokescreen for the real problem.

I feel a bit like this sometimes but I'm a single parent to two teens. So not the ''perfect life'' package. But I just feel it can all be a bit relentless. don't care what other people think but I often want things to be EASIER.

I do everything but I'm not looking at some useless husband enjoying a nice relaxed life while I toil.

It'd annoy me so much. YANBU

What is he doing to improve his MH management?

sounds awful, Op. something had to change otherwise your mental or physical health will suffer.

Firstly he needs to try to improve his mental health, this seems to be the crux of your problems (potentially he's using it as an excuse?)

Secondly you need to divide up chores more fairly, potentially outsourcing some eg a cleaner,

Thirdly he needs to step up with childcare

Fourthly he needs to be part of the family, letting you take all 3 kids because he doesn't want to go isn't on,

As so often the problem is with your dh ... time to talk it through

Not to tel you how to raise your kids but I was helping with laundry, dishes, cleaning etc when I was In primary school so if your oldest who has started secondary is not helping out I would get them to start! Gives you a bit more free time or time to do other chores.

I feel like you’re bearing the brunt of the burden both at home and being the main earner. As the above comments, your husband is a significant cause of this trap. He needs to step up and be an equal partner.
I feel for you, I genuinely do. If you were my friend I’d take you on a lil holiday to relax.

Do you have any idea of what you DO want? What would be preferable to you? Holidays could be different (you dont have to visit relatives)
You could get your husband to help with chores.
Whst options are there re work, are there any changes you could make that would make it better or more enjoyable for you? At all?

Its easier to make changes to your life when you start from a place of 'I want this' rather than 'I hate this' (if you know what I mean)

Life is boring when you work full time and raise a family. Most of us are haut making the best of it!
You need to make some changes.
Your DH needs a kick up the arse,
You could get a cleaner
Do your grocery shop online
Make some time for yourself - a day out with friends, DH will have to see to his own children.

I feel like this; like I have everything I ever wanted but sometimes I can’t breathe at how stuck I feel.

I really prioritise trying to have some evenings with my friends and I’ve recently started exercising which is time for me. There is some relief in knowing someone else feels that way as it’s something that is hard to admit to even with my closest friends