To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

I have to ask where does your husband stand in all of this OP? Why are you doing all that work in the home and where is he when you are doing it? If it is fair then why not get a cleaner to help you if you can afford it?

Get a cleaner
Book holidays with childcare such as Mark Warner
Make time to see friends
If you don’t have any hobbies or interests, get some, if you do have some carve out time to pursue them.
Take control.

Time to start out sourcing if husband cant pick up the load field to mental health issues. Cleaner, someone to do washing and ironing. Tell dh he needs to cook and shop - give him a list and meal plan to start with.
Start planning to have one proper holiday and less family visits. Plan for early retirement if income is good enough perhaps rather than private school.
Also check your not peri menopusal and make.sure you have self care.

Well I don't think it's normal to feel trapped just because your in mid-life. Might be more common than you think and importantly I'd say given you the husband situation perfectly reasonable to feel trapped.
What's within your control to change? Ditch DH? Push DH to be more proactive in managing his mh/ stepping up? Reconfigure the energy/financial resource of the household? Think radically op...If you moved to an area with decent state secondary schools could you use school fees saved to work a day less so you could get a hobby/build social networks/get a cleaner or housekeeper for laundry and cleaning....Could you buy more annual leave and go away on your own or with friends to walk/paddle board/drink cocktails. Sounds like something needs to give and you need to reconfigure your assets (emotional energy and finances) to work a bit more in your favour.
Oh and and I'd defo ditch the obligation to always visit relatives....

And will add have a 2.5 year old is draining nevermind other kids.

The thing with mental health (and I say that as someone who has depression) is that sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things. Sometimes I spend my dog walks muttering to myself the whole way round that I would rather be dead. But I go because I won’t have anyone else suffering because of me. If I had someone to take care of me and do my chores then I may well let them especially if they had a smile plastered on their face. But if they explained to me that they weren’t coping and that if I didn’t start at least doing housework/childcare they’d consider leaving me, I’d make an effort.

The employment situation is more understandable to me, but not being able to manage a two year old is ridiculous. It’s difficult for anyone to manage a two year old but you have to get on with it.

Try reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

Why are you doing all the cleaning and shopping? He sounds lazy to me.

Personally while I agree about the benefits of giving children chores I still think that the main issue is the imbalance of input from the adults. OP has a sense of ennui because deep down she knows it isn’t right and she is suppressing the resentment/anger that should be coming up in her to help her to make changes.

You can't be the breadwinner working all those hours plus be responsible for everything at home.

It's just not fair to you and your husband sounds useless. He is the problem and you need to put your foot down

I think this is the right answer in a very plain/blunt way. You feel trapped because you are doing all house chores, being the primary earner, and dealing with your children. Life is too hard to do everything by yourself. I would be sitting your husband down and explaining that it can’t go on. Although unfortunately I do find people who will watch their spouse do everything are hard to change because they’re usually inherently self centred. Most decent people want to share the load and will be aware if they’re not.

Once again, the problem is the husband.

I feel exactly the same! I do try and do things but it feels like I've been there done that with so many things. The only thing I feel excited about is traveling and seeing the world but can't do that until DC's both at university in 3 years time as they won't like the type of traveling we want to do and it'll be much cheaper to go term time without them!

Stop the self indulgent navel gazing and look at your own choices.

Boo hoo having a big job and great income and a lovely house. So drop to a smaller job, live in a smaller house or cheaper area and don’t waste money on a private school for your child.

Don’t like spending all your holidays visiting relatives you’re not bothered about? THEN DON’T!!!

All the cooking, cleaning and laundry? You could cancel the expensive private school and never clean or do laundry again, and have change to spare.

You have more potential than many to change your life - your choice.

Sorry you are feeling this way op, completely understandable. Could you outsource a bit of household help to create yourself pockets of me time? I found that it helps to regularly schedule something to look forward to, almost forcing it in the beginning. Big or small, doesn't matter.
Also is he making an effort to improve his mental health to participate in family life a bit more? Obviously we are human and can have mental health problems but the attitude towards it is what matters, imo.

I do feel a bit restless and bored at times, the endless dull chores but no, what you're describing is clearly as others have said a dh who isn't pulling his weight at all.

what are your hobbies op?

@ElfinsMum I’ve just seen you’re in Australia - I think that means “private school” is quite possibly very much cheaper than U.K., I think there’s a more hybrid system there? In which case, I apologise for some of my comments which were unduly harsh - it felt to me that you were complaining of being trapped but by your own choices - like the expensive school.

I still think you need to look at your choices though. Husband is the easiest one to look at but hardest to change! But there’s just no point sitting around complaining about having to visit relatives on holidays - when you simply don’t! Take some control here!

Yep your DH sounds useless. Make him step up.

TBH it sounds from your post as if your DH is using his "mental health issues" as a get out of jail free card not to participate in family life at all and I think that's your problem here.

I don't want to be needlessly judgemental because I understand that poor mental health can be debilitating but its not just an excuse to check out of any responsibility. From what you've said he doesn't work, does minimal housework and chores and won't do much with his family at weekends. Poor mental health doesn't excuse all of this. He should be prioritising getting the help he needs and even if that isn't effective there are certain baseline things he could be doing that he's not.

I was married to someone who used poor mental health as an excuse not to do anything much aside from work and I got to a point where it was easier just to do it on my own. I was doing the same amount of work I was doing in the marriage on the same money and not walking on eggshells the whole time. Oh, and keeping all the fruits of my labour. I recommend it.

OP a cursory search reveals you've posted multiple times about (frankly) how useless your dh is and how miserable he makes you and the kids. Quite rightly - I'd be fucked off too.

It's time to shit or get off the pot.

If financially viable I would suggest marriage guidance counselling/ individual counselling before you reach breaking point.

is it normal? Well what is normal? You are not happy and you want to change. Maybe join a club too to give you some space, and do a weekly job search.

I often feel like this too OP. Easy to pick apart problems on paper, in reality it's never that simple.

@Testina Yep, a mid price private school in Aus so we're definitely not talking mega bucks here

You haven't answered why your DH is so useless. I would leave all 3 kids with him and go away for the weekend. Poor MH doesnt mean doing nothing.