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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

201 replies

ElfinsMum · 24/09/2022 11:09

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

OP posts:
HilarityEnsues · 27/09/2022 07:53

I wouldn't be hopping on and off a plane with a two year old plus two others if I was working f/t and burned out, which it sounds like you are. I'd just sit where I was and if they don't want to contribute to carbon emissions one year, so be it. I wouldn't even feel bad, that's their choice, they could offset or go vegetarian to change that, they are choosing not to! Also if you have to travel to them, the carbon is the same! Just please yourself an awful lot more.

Plus get in some help with domestic chores in the week, so your weekends are more fun.

Husband has to take at least one or two kids out every weekend to build up, just to the local playpark, then can work up to all three. I don't get these men who can't cope with three kids all at once, my friend has a husband who has never taken all three of his children out in 18 years! All women, without exception take their own kids out! It's just ludicrous but if you have to play along with it for a few more months, get him to take them out Sat afternoons, so you have mostly an afternoon off, you do Sundays, and have a nice lie-in each/brunch out somewhere the rest of the time.

The advice to make a list of things you'd like to do and then see what could happen is a good one.

My mum thought like you that a marriage is a marriage and you just have to lie on the bed you have made, but being around my dad's mental illness in my childhood was not great at all, then he ran off with someone else anyway. Would have been much better if she's left and I'm happy my parents are divorced.

billy1966 · 27/09/2022 08:14

No wonder you feel trapped lumped with a freeloader who enjoys the status quo married to a work.

I doubt many men would put up with a similar situation.

Tabbouleh · 27/09/2022 08:27

I couldn't respect a man who couldn't handle the children he brought into the world. I doubt any woman could get away with saying she can't handle all 3 at once.

felulageller · 27/09/2022 08:38

I think you need to move back.

You are burnt out and will end up ill. Have you had your blood pressure checked?

You have a DH problem. Leave the 2.5 year old with him and take the older 2 out at the weekend. He needs to learn. He needs to focus on improving his MH.

This isn't sustainable and you will have a breakdown.

Turn laundry over to DH.

Make sure you get some me time every week.

Tabbouleh · 27/09/2022 08:40

I would leave all 3 of them with him and his selective mental health.

TheMoops · 27/09/2022 08:51

It's very clear you have a husband problem even though you don't want to admit it.
You essentially have 4 children.

How on earth have you got to the point where he won't take the kids out on his own? That's sounds like the least he could do! One of them is almost secondary school age so is hardly a baby and is an extra pair of hands with the little ones.

Kiplingsroad · 27/09/2022 08:53

This is a very random suggestion but if you are interested in psychology the podcast This Jungian Life has a great episode on midlife and many more on relationships, finding meaning etc.

I listen to them on long walks so get a kind of therapy session and mood boost from the exercise and being outside at the same time.

Agree with others that your husband is a big part of your problem, but there's not a lot you can do if he's not going to work much or participate in family life. My advice would be to work on your own health and wellbeing and leave him to it.

Kiplingsroad · 27/09/2022 08:56

Also agree with others that the fact that he "can't cope with all three at once" is extremely convenient. Yes it's hard. But grow up and deal with it. It seems to be a surprisingly common problem with a lot of Dads.

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 09:24

And presumably you didn’t travel back to UK whilst heavily pregnant and then with a new born?

so really in the window of about 2 years you’ve gone back to the uk multiple times and you have had a handful of visits of grandparents?

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 09:24

That alone would have put a lot of pressure on you all!

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 09:28

It's nothing to do with your middle aged mum life it to do with your useless husband

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/09/2022 09:31

I'm sorry if I have tried people's patience posting a few times across a year or so with similar concerns. I feel like sharing my frustrations with thousands of strangers here is easier for you all to deal with than to burden my few real life friends with. If you are sick of my whining, you can always flick on to another thread, I promise I won't get upset

It's not that - it's more that the response to all of your threads is that your husband is a dick.

I get that there is additional complications to you separating but in all honesty, your husband is a dick.

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 09:47

ElfinsMum · 26/09/2022 14:56

Oh and I feel a bit guilty that people are assuming DH does no major chores: I don't wash up so much as a teaspoon round here and only rarely have anything to do with the dishwasher. He's reasonably domesticated, definitely not one of those boneheads who thinks a wife is just another domestic appliance.

So he can change, which is a positive (one of your many threads on your unhappy marriage was about fact he did absolutely nothing in the house other than 1 hour a week of ironing)

so that’s a positive. How did that change come about?

parietal · 27/09/2022 10:25

One very simple step - get a cleaner. If you have someone who will do one full day cleaning the house and changing the sheets in every bed, that frees up 6hrs of your life.

Then use some of those hours to do something for yourself. Gym or an art class or a choir or whatever takes your fancy. Having 2hrs of my-time scheduled each week (maybe after kids are in bed) can make a nice change.

Ahbisto · 27/09/2022 10:35

At Christmas you said you only worked part time he was rhe full time worker, has this changed recently then?

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 27/09/2022 10:53

@Ahbisto We have both changed our working patterns since Christmas yes. We have tried a lot of different combos over the years but this 4 days each seems pretty good tbh.

OP posts:
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 27/09/2022 11:16

Yes I think it's fairly normal OP. Not great, is it. Sigh.

However, in your case your DH is making things worse for you. Why do you do all the housework and he does virtually nothing? I could not live like that! He's got to do 50% at least, more if he's not working full-time!

Kissingfrogs25 · 27/09/2022 11:27

I felt like this - minus the dh issue. Everything is all about everyone else! So start making your life about you.

Obvious things to address

Dh mental health needs to be sorted out with professional help so he is a functioning adult again

Stop wasting precious annual leave on visiting everyone else, they can come to you and you use your time to go on proper holidays, with kids clubs and childcare so you have a chance to actually relax

Cleaner
On line shopping delivery - dh puts it away
Meal plans - divided in two

Exercise and fresh air

Booking spa days, dinner with friends and fun things for you.

You would see an instant uplift. You are going through the motions of looking after everyone else without stopping to see if you are happy.

daisyjgrey · 27/09/2022 11:28

You're trapped in midlife, you're trapped with a superfluous husband.

pollina · 27/09/2022 11:36

Totally agree with the husband related remarks.

Another point: visiting grandparents is lovely but it is not the same as a holiday. Either you need to plan a family holiday where there is good weather, relaxation and fun, or take some time for a long weekend where you can do that with friends or go and visit a friend and leave your husband with the kids.

catfunk · 27/09/2022 11:39

Husband needs to pull his finger out if he's not working. Why should you be the only breadwinner and the family slave? What a miserable existence.

MumCanIDoThat · 27/09/2022 12:09

pinkyredrose · 24/09/2022 11:12

Your main problem is your useless husband. Why isn't he pulling his weight? He needs to step up otherwise ditch him and get a housekeeper.

This, you are basically carrying the entire load. What exactly does he bring to the family. I wouldn't tolerate bearing the entire burden when there's another adult capable of stepping up but won't do it.

youlooklikeapenis · 27/09/2022 12:20

I don't think anyone divorces lightly op. I think most people do it because there is no other option and they are unhappy.

Your husband makes you unhappy. Decide if you're willing to be unhappy forever.

Who cares if your parents get angry. You don't have to do what they tell you to do. They will have to get over it.

Original poster
ElfinsMum · 28/09/2022 03:40

Newsflash: DH appears to have seen this thread somehow AND recognised some truth in it. For example:

  • He checked in on me at work by text three times yesterday because he knew I was stressed about some meetings.
  • He keeps offering to do the laundry - "I have offered before and not really stepped up but if I can do xyz hobby daily then I can do laundry daily" 😲
  • He apologised for not being really able to cook much and said to DS that he must learn to cook and do chores otherwise he'll be a useless partner.
  • This morning he set about taking all 3 kids to the shops and got frustrated when DS wanted to stay at home (I am WFH today). I overheard "Come on DS, it's ridiculous that I've never taken all 3 of you anywhere..." They are now all out 😲

Caught between giggling, crying with relief or dreading that it will just be a flash in the pan...

For now, thanks Mumsnet!! 😁

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 28/09/2022 03:57

Glad he seems to be pulling his weight. Out of curiosity, whose idea was the move to Australia, and is home UK? I used to do the reverse trip annually and it was a nightmare. I've now moved back to Australia though as it's my home, and I am so much better off financially.

But why are you here? You mentioned The Hague Convention so would be moving back be something you would want to do if you broke up?