To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

Maybe organise a Cleaner,could he do the food shop online .Could you move to a 4 day week maybe? Use the day "off" for a nice hobby,drive out somewhere whatever . He needs to step up plenty!

I think she already works 4 days. Lots of previous threads!

@ElfinsMum given that your last year of posting is on theme, I agree with a PP that it’s shit or get off the pot time. Your other threads have been peppered with “things you’ve read” and navel gazing about the impact of your childhood on your household division choices.

So do you want change, or do you want to just talk about it?

If you really want it to be different, I’d consider counselling to look at your inertia.

Your problems stem from your unemployed husband using his 'mental health' as an excuse not to partake in daily life. If he can't work, care for his kids or help around the house then what good is he? Get rid and you've at least got one less child to look after.

@NessLockwood OP doesn’t say he can’t work, just that she’s the primary earner due to his MH creating employment issues. On a recent post she took the kids out so that he could get on with some work. Tbf that wasn’t explicitly described as paid work, but I think he does work - as she says primary earner not sole earner.

You are married to a freeloader. You might be happier if you had a partner who pulled his weight with regards to your joint commitments.

Agree wholeheartedly. He might have to start pulling his weight with childcare if he wants access to the kids in this scenario.

Agree with everything else said on here, but just wanted to add that I would start by stopping the holidays with relatives thing right now. Things like resetting the balance of household responsibilities with your husband, possible career redirection, etc., may not be overnight changes, but this is something you can do right now with minimal hassle and your quality of life will improve.

My partner’s family are lovely and very welcoming, but we aren’t close and I was always on my best guest behaviour when visiting - several weeks a year as they’re abroad. It wasn’t a break, and I’m happier now that I’ve cut right down.

Yeah I think it’s normal to feel like that .
i certainly do
I’d leave if I could
I suggest get a cleaner and buy in as much help as you can
sadly I can’t take my own advice as the only decisions I get to make are what to cook for dinner

It’s your “normal”

it’s not “normal” per se

and sure as heck isn’t my “normal”

Australia has the highest statistics for domestic abuse in the world...

You don't have a midlife problem, you have a husband problem.

Forget private school, hire a cleaner and reconsider your choice of life partner.

So what's actually the problem with your DH's MH? Is he depressed? Is he psychotic or schizophrenic? He ought to be getting proper treatment and pulling his weight.

You need a new man - the one you have is useless!!

If you don’t stop navel gazing for your own sake

Do it for the children

a father not addressing serious long term mental health issues

a mother moping around unhappy with her life

a parental unit presenting a marriage as a loveless relationship to be endured

I would suggest you carve out time to do the things that make you happy. And time specially for you each week, this needs to be a priority to get some balance back.

Can't DGPs Airbnb near you occasionally.
Daft to trail to theirs.

Sounds like you're a full time working single parent with 4 children. That's tough.

3 kids would be easier.

Yes this. He has opted out of life and is treating you like his mum. I have a serious mental illness and still manage to work full time as a medical professional in the NHS. I just make sure I take my meds and get regular psychiatric check ups. Your husband is a chronic malingerer.

It’s the husband. You know life would be easier, happier and brighter if you weren’t being hampered by him bringing fuck all to the table. What are you going to do about it?

I'm sorry if I have tried people's patience posting a few times across a year or so with similar concerns. I feel like sharing my frustrations with thousands of strangers here is easier for you all to deal with than to burden my few real life friends with. If you are sick of my whining, you can always flick on to another thread, I promise I won't get upset 😁

To clarify, my DH suffers from bouts of depression and anxiety. He does work but he has previously had employment gaps when he hasn't been well so I don't feel we can rely on his earnings. For a while, he was our primary carer but that was worse for his MH and difficult for the kids. So now we do 4 days each.

I am not someone who would divorce lightly - I meant it when I married for worse and for sickness. Also, given that we do live abroad with kids, splitting could be much more complicated with the Hague Convention potentially coming into play.

Thank you so much to everyone who has made helpful suggestions about how to improve things where I am at. Really appreciate it.

Thanks @5128gap , this really resonated with me. I'm sorry if your insight is bourne of bitter experience.

Your problem here is a lack of autonomy because you've just picked up the slack of anything your DH can't/won't do, without having a choice about it. You resent not having had a say in what your life is like.

I don't think MH problems are insignificant, but they also shouldn't be allowed to override everything else. What is he doing to manage and maintain his health? What opportunities do you have to do things that are just for you, whether it's to unwind or to find inspiration and stimulation?

Maybe you do a bit more when he's ill. I don't see why you should do 100% of everything all the time. What would happen if you were depressed and anxious? Would you get the same treatment?

The way you are living is reinforcing DH's idea of himself as someone who is weak and unable. He can't cope with taking 3 children out - ok, take one, take two, build up to three. Develop the skills and confidence all parents have to build.

He finds doing all the house stuff overwhelming - ok, what can he do, how can he build that up and take responsibility for more of it if not all. Is he planning to just stay like this forever? Is that tolerable for you? Let me guess - his house chores are doing the bins and the odd bit of DIY.

Base principle should be that he is as responsible for the house and kids as you are. You feel trapped because he's making zero attempt to meet you in the middle.

Start by having proper holidays!!!!!!! (Exclamation marks ad infinitum).
The grandparents can come to you (and help with childcare) if they want to stay in touch.

Proper holidays!!!!!!

I am not someone who would divorce lightly - I meant it when I married for worse and for sickness.

OP no one is blaming you for posting if you want help. And clearly it's a complicated situation with his mental health so I don't want to make you feel worse about it than you already clearly do.

But some home truths are in order: the net effect of this is that you are carrying everything, including all the financial and domestic burden, because of his inability or unwillingness to deal with his mental health issues.

He cannot have it both ways: if his mental health is sufficiently bad that he can't hold down a job he has to meet you half way on the domestic front. If not he's not contributing to the marriage, he's draining the family, financially and in other ways.

You seem very passive about this problem: you seem to take as read that this is your lot and the only possible solutions are superficial tweaks. But the elephant in the room is that it is your husband who is creating this problem and if you don't address this nothing is going to change.

Mental health is not a trivial problem and he deserves sympathy and support but it's not reasonable for him to expect you to carry everything indefinitely. He has to step up and deal with it in a way which provides you with some relief or accept that the marriage is over.

I think the problem is your low satisfaction in work. We spend majority of our time working. It's part of our identity. If you don't find your work fulfilling, whatever you try, it's hard to fill the void. At least that's how I feel. I think if possible, it's a good idea to look for a new job but.. I know it can be difficult.

I wish I had the answer. I sometimes think its the hardest hand to play when you don't know whether to stick or twist.
There's just enough that's good in life overall to prevent you completely hitting rock bottom snd having no choice but to make a change. But all the time the stifling knowledge and building resentment of how short changed you are.