To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

@5128gap

I think you need to really think hard about your future. Don't let peripherals like 'am I menopausal?' 'Am I just ungrateful?' 'Should I change jobs?' be a diversion or smokescreen for the real problem.

Wiser words were never said. This.
And don't feel bad. Only for people with very different lives looking in from the outside would your own life look picture perfect. eg I might have thought that when I was 25, single and childless. Now I imagine it's not a lot of fun. Do you have some good friends you can let loose with?

Hmm, the new regime is starting to take it's toll. He's stressed and crabby, says he's tired and has had to take painkillers for a headache...

That's exactly what I meant @hopsalong I'm exactly where I've worked so hard to be...but now I'm here it's relentless...

Came for his work originally. Stay because I love it. We are lucky enough to live somewhere very lovely 😊

I honestly don't know how you can hold out hope of change. This has been going on for years. This is who he is. And who he is is not good.

Looking back - DCs now long left home - why didn't I fit in time to try some hobbies, squeeze in a 10 minute daily walk, go out a couple of times a week to swim/ book club etc
Oh yeah, I was too busy - funny I found time for the housework, cooking, ferrying DCs. And if I had spare time more housework, sorting kids etc

With hindsight I should have paid for cleaners and babysitters (dh worked away) but I didn't bother - too much effort. I would have been happier if I had.

Dozens of threads
over many years

Op - you’re not going to do anything about this are?

But by the sounds of it - you don’t ever get to really enjoy the lovely area

Have you made friends op?

This is what I thought. Posting repeatedly won’t help - you obviously don’t want to change anything/want to stay as you are, so you’ve not really come here for advice as such.

For me I think one of the big solutions in a situation like this is acceptance. Sit yourself down and say ‘my husband will not reliably help in any way, financial or domestic. From now on I will be responsible for all childcare, domestic chores, and financial issues. Sometimes he will have a bad attitude and I will accept this and attempt to pacify him so it doesn’t affect our children. This is how my life will be until I die.’

At a certain point you need to remove responsibility and control from him and put it onto yourself. He’s refusing to change and you want to live with it, so accept that. Perhaps when your children are older and move out the stress/burden will lighten slightly and you can rest a bit.

Oh also of course ‘I must organise, pay for, and do a massive trip every year whether I feel like it or not because I’ve chosen to do that too.’ You can’t always absolve all misery and place the blame on somebody else - take responsibility for your choices and either find acceptance or choose change.

Plus this “every year” - I don’t get.
5 years.
could not travel for couple of years due to covid.
and then before then either heavily pregnancy or had a new born.

so really only 2 years? And in that time apparently multiple trips back and visits from family!

Yes thank you. We both have now actually.

@Doingprettywellthanks I did say that I rounded some numbers up there. I am not going to be more precise on a public forum. For the purposes of this conversation, it is enough to know that we have done several trips back to UK. I don't see why the exact number adds anything?

Living with this for years would be taking it's toll and making me stressed and crabby and I'd be needing more than painkillers for a headache!

The new regime that has shook him so much and impressed you to tears involves three text messages, admitting that he hasn't stepped up round the house, saying he can't cook but telling DS he should be able to or he'll be considered usless, and being unable to get his own three kids to the shops without a tant.

What is it that's keeping you stuck here?

Having lived abroad for ten years my advice is book a holiday destination and have your family join you. We have done Croatia, Spain, Portugal, Lake District and centre parcs. Don’t just sit around your families homes. It can be both boring and annoying when everyone is getting on with their lives.

In terms of your rather useless husband - he does seem to be the major problem here

Placemarking as I feel exactly the same OP.

I gave up my career & moved back to my small hometown. Became a childminder as I like children & it seemed the logical thing to do to avoid paying out for childcare while I worked. There is no difference between work & home. It's all the same stuff, in the same place with no thanks. And the chores never end, even though I have very low standards.

I'm on HRT but going to get it reviewed as I feel basically no joy in life lately & I didn't use to be this person. I have joined a ukelele group once a week & that's good but don't think it's enough to sustain me.

Off to RTFT now.

I think it is sweet that he has made an effort to do more stuff - it shows that he is trying. I guess some people can do more stuff than others due to greater health, skill, intelligence, willpower. Eg - I do pretty much all the night wakings - on mat leave and at work - as I am better at it than DH. He is pretty similar to your DH and gets stressed v easily - which means I do a lot more of the child stuff.

I suppose it’s finding the right balance of chore-splitting so you can both benefit. Are there any chores that you hate (that you currently do but could pass to him?). Or are there any things he is really good at (that, though you find ok to do, could pass to him to free up time?). DH is way better at most life admin (bank stuff, insurance, servicing boiler etc, food shop) and tidying (though I do most cleaning, laundry, washing up, cooking). Could pencilling in 1 weekend morning - for him to take kids out be a good start? (Start infrequent and short - so maybe it won’t take too much of a toll).

Maybe he could just take kids out for breakfast - so you can have a lie in? At least there is a clear activity for the kids to do.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I couldn't cope with his wallowing in self pity and drama. WTF does he think you do all day every day?

I feel like our life looks perfect

It doesn't.

You have three kids..one is still a toddler, a full time job and a husband who doesn't pull his weight. Why on earth would you be in the prime of life in those circumstances?

Your main problem is you are having to be the breadwinner yet your DH still expects you to operate as a 1950s housewife.

I’ve just had a look at your previous posts

sounds like the life choices you are making are having a detrimental impact on your kids. It is very very unhealthy to be jealous of your children and that and your unhappiness will be having a huge impact on them

your husbands a dickhead

you seem to be clinging to this image of an ideal life which isn’t working for you and actually no one from the outside thinks is ideal

id suggest you do an awful lot of work and thinking about why you are where you are. You need to ditch dickhead husband. But you also need to change your own dysfunction

This is just not true. If someone is willing to engage then therapy can be extremely effective. Private therapy can cost the same as a trip away for ten sessions. It's a very worthwhile investment given the benefits available to all the family. He has to be willing to work at his MH though OP. If he's not then you may have to rethink your relationship. It's not fair for you to carry so much of the burden for family life.

I really feel for you OP but you are not trapped, although the choices available to you are very difficult ones.

Yup. Stop being such a door mat. Force him to accept a more equitable arrangement in childcare and domestic duties and go out and have some fun.