To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

Of all the things to be spikey about, the number of home trips you've made is it. You're right, it doesnt matter a toss....its just a strange thing to get defensive about. You're not going to be recognised by people who know you irl any more or less because its 2 times rather than 4.

Therapy may helpful or some people. Sadly it isn't for many others.

May be helpful for some people that should say.

I thought this too

Maybe the op likes being the victim?

I dont think anyone is taken in by the lovely life and peivate schooling op. Your husband is an arse, your parents are bullies and you seem to be enjoying the misery. I dont know, its your kids i feel for.

Your problem is your H. He is leaving adulting largely to you. You earn the household income, do the majority of domestic and childcare chores. No wonder you are miserable!

You also visit relatives rather than having a proper holiday. Stop visiting them and prioritise a decent holiday for yourself.

Basically your life is about servicing others laziness (your H) or others needs (your relatives).

I teplaced the useless ex with an amazing au pair, happiest year of my life. Ex nowdoes childcare 4 days a month which is 4 more than he ever did. And pays child support, again more than he did previously.

If you can afford private school for all three kids (eventually) I guess you can afford a nanny/babysitter and a cleaner. Join some groups (yoga, painting, book club, languages etc) or plan something (big girls trip, spa weekend away etc) and start taking control of your happiness. You only live once don’t waste it.

I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious discussion.

I get that he has mental health issues but he CANNOT expect you to work all week, be the main breadwinner and then do all the chores and childcare. With regards to him not taking his kids out... he needs to get over that quickly... start small, a walk to the park, a trip where you sit and grab a coffee and he takes the kids somewhere

If you can afford it, get a cleaner and make sure you explain your needs to them.

I'm going to be tough to be kind here but it sounds like he is completely taking advantage of you. He is expecting you to be a housewife and main breadwinner

OP, my exH sounds very similar to yours, so I understand your situation very well. I agree with many things that have been said, so won't repeat.
However, on living with someone with depression: it's incredibly, incredibly hard. You are miserable as well, for all the reasons you've given, but you know that it's not the other person's fault and that they're suffering horribly too. And you don't know where the line is between real illness and self-pity. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. FWIW, for us things actually came to a head and I threw him out for abusive behaviour towards our DCs. It's turned out to be the best thing for him, as it forced him to completely reevaluate himself and his life. He's now found therapy that actually seems to be working, and is working on himself as well, rather than telling himself that he was right to be miserable all the time and blaming other people. I don't know if your DH is like that, but sometimes an absolute kick up the arse is what's needed. And also, even if you've tried 100 therapies/drugs and none has worked, the right one might still be out there.
Also, to reiterate, find something you love to do and do it regularly. Bottom line. Even if everything else is shit, give yourself 1 hour a week to feel happy and away from it all.
Hugs, it's very tough but you'll get through

I have very similar circumstances to you OP, but jobs, big house, (nearly) 3 kids, perfect life, family far away blah blah. The big difference is that I have an awesome husband who does as many chores as I do. And we outsource things we don't have time for (cleaning, gardening). You are doing almost everything and I'm not surprised you're feeling stuck. Your husband needs to up his game and start making the most of the joys of family life.

*big jobs

This! You're not happy. Its time to be honest about how you're feeling and demand change. Get a cleaner, divvy out chores, get yourself a social life/hobby so you have some you time. Otherwise the resentment will just build and build.

your life does not sound enviable, it sounds shit.Working full time in a 'big' job without outside help is the definition of grim.Thats why so many women take a step back so they can have enjoyable time together whilst the kids are young.
Can you not drop a day, or at the very least get someone to clean and do the laundry

your life does not sound enviable, it sounds shit.Working full time in a 'big' job without outside help is the definition of grim

My thoughts entirely. I have no idea why the op thinks her life looks perfect. Three kids, one a toddler, a demanding career and a husband who doesn't pull his weight is not enviable.

Why and how did he find your thread? That's weird. Does he check up on you online?

This basically. You are allowed to have needs and not just have to think about others

Her DH needs help with his mental health.

If he's got mental health issues, he's got mental health issues. You can't for an adult to start adulting if they've got mental health issues - but this shouldn't mean he gets a free pass. he needs to get better and if he's not better, he needs a different therapist and different medication.

But you have my sympathies OP. I have a similar life in many ways and I feel incredibly trapped.

It sounds really really lame but I started a gratitude diary to help me focus on the good things in my life.

As humans we always want more.

if there was one thing you could change though, what would it be?

I wonder if you need to see a really good life coach for a few sessions.

People laugh at them but I found coaching was marvellous for me.

You just need something in your life for you, that's just for you that you can do regularly and have it to look forward to.

You're carrying the whole family by the sounds of things and that's very stressful and tiring.

And you need holidays. If you're in Oz - what about a trip to a fantastic hotel in Malaysia or Singapore? There are some stunning places you could go for a week and get help with childcare. Yes family matters but your physical and mental health needs taking care of too.

Can you meet your parents in Spain or France or Greece? Somewhere that’s a proper holiday rather than “a visit”?
Get a cleaner to reduce the chores?

But more than those I think you need a hobby. It sounds trite but what do you do for you on a weekly basis? Get out the house, meet people, let your dh do the humdrum for a couple of hours once a week.

Had a similar life OP, many parallels, inc the same mental health issues and him doing very very little socialising or taking kids to stuff. We never moved though because I knew it would be same shit different place. But even down to the flurry of activities then the headache etc.

I had a lovely life apart from this ‘on paper’ and we had some good times. But I wasn’t happy. And he didn’t change until we separated. It hasn’t been easy but I think we are all better off now. Not saying your situation won’t change….

But the one thing I’ve learnt is that the only person responsible for your happiness is you. Other people can help, but you need to make the changes and not wait for them to happen.

So he empties the dishwasher?! Wow! What's he doing at the weekend when you are doing chores?

I hear you with the "sickmess and in health" schtick. But how much is your DH sticking to the love, honour and comfort part of these vows? Not much it seems. You seem to be giving him a carte blanche to do exactly the opposite.

Oh now I have RTFT I see his new determination not to be a shit partner lasted a whole 5 hours. Honestly OP stop making excuses for him!

It’s not really good enough apologise for not being able to cook. He can learn. And he should learn. And if he’s offering to do laundry daily take him up on that. Things need to change. Sounds like your MH is suffering too, but he makes it all about him.

*to apologise

I think you need to grow some balls and give your useless husband a slap and tell him to get a grip and pull his weight

Mental health issues are very varied just how bad is his mental health, does it mean he can`t drive for instance due to heavy medication. If not he is perfectly capable of doing housework and cooking, caring for kids etc. Sounds like a free loader to me.