To feel trapped in my middle aged mum life

[ElfinsMum]

I feel like I should be in the prime of my life with my DH and beautiful three kids, big job, nice house in lovely place, oldest DC starting at lovely private secondary...all the big jigsaw pieces in place.

But in reality, I feel like I have little to no choice left in my life:

I don't really enjoy my job, I kind of fell into my industry years ago as a grad. But I am our primary earner as DH has had employment issues due to mental health so I am stuck.

I don't really enjoy my weekends because they are full of chores. DH does some chores but I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and most of the shopping. I also do a massive proportion of weekend childcare because he typically chooses not to come out with us. He has yet to take all 3 DC anywhere, youngest is 2 and a half...he doesn't feel he would cope.

I don't really enjoy holidays because we live away from both our families so most of our hols are spent visiting grandparents and other relatives. Obviously if we were really close with these people, we wouldn't have moved away.

Basically, I feel like our life looks perfect as long as I keep on keeping on with a smile plastered on my face . But almost all the time, I'm basically faking it.

Is it normal to feel trapped like this in midlife?

On the holidays one: my kids are v close to my father. My parents have now said they will no longer do the trip. So we have to travel back regularly for my kids to maintain any relationship with my parents.

We do go on other family holidays here. But over half of annual leave is on trips home.

Are they in poor health and genuinely can’t do the trip? Because if not, they’ll have to get with the programme, surely. Harden your heart a bit OP. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Would you watch your own DD struggle with work, DC and an unhelpful DH and yet refuse to be the one to travel to her, expecting her to travel to you in her very limited free time?!

Not only this but it was irresponsible of him to sire three offspring if he knew his own issues were so debilitating that he couldn't "cope," earn or do household chores. It is very exasperating.

No, they are in good health for their age. They say it's because of the carbon. (Although I think they find the trip v tiring and they don't actually like Aus when they are here...they are culture vultures and struggle with the heat.)

I think they choose to look away from my difficulties. In the too hard basket. Easier to stick to entertaining my lovely children and complimenting me on what a good job we are doing with them.

This sounds dire, no wonder you feel trapped. But all the big jigsaw pieces in place does not a happy life make. Something has to change, if you're to feel differently. What will it be?

I'd be tempted to give it all a really nice big shake up, but I know that's not for everyone. If you truly feel you're married in sickness and for worse come what may, no matter how much he opts out then you can't do much about the husband.

You can change your job, your house, your priorities. You can stop shouldering all of the daily grind and burden and going on duty visits instead of holidays. There is zero joy in your life from what I can see, time to give it a kick up the arse, or resign yourself to another few decades of this. I do know that the kids probably aren't benefiting from your example of how to spend a life. Have a think.

I'm sorry if I have tried people's patience posting a few times across a year or so with similar concerns

forget anonymous posters patience. This is your life and your childrens and indeed your husbands it seem grey and miserable.

you mention your parents, what about your husbands?

How long ago did you move?

@Doingprettywellthanks Around five years ago. Ironically, left the last place in part because DH claimed to hate it so much and still didn't feel at home after 15 years. Now he is homesick for the last place and professes to hate this one!

What a life you have had Op. joyless. But you don’t seem motivated to change so make the change for your childrens sake.

in Five year how many times have you been back?

Oh and I feel a bit guilty that people are assuming DH does no major chores: I don't wash up so much as a teaspoon round here and only rarely have anything to do with the dishwasher. He's reasonably domesticated, definitely not one of those boneheads who thinks a wife is just another domestic appliance.

We go back once per year roughly, other than during Covid obviously.

I've been taking notes on wbat makes me happy OP. When you're doing something that makes you happy make a note on your phone. Do it for a few weeks and then see how you can incorporate more happiness in your life.

Stop people pleasing.

First, go on holiday somewhere you really want to go, not visiting relatives.

Tell DH he has to take DC out every weekend and give you a break. He'll find he can cope. And tell him to plan a family outing once a month for all of you. Expect a bit of responsibility from him. It is easy for depressed people (I suffer from depression) to get into habits that are, frankly, lazy because when you are very ill you physically can't do things but then when you are a bit better, you just don't do them. Requiring him to pull his weight a bit more will be good for his morale too unless he really is in the depths of a debilitating depressive episode.

I was dragged away from DC to several weekends away by a group of new friends when I moved. That made DH realise he could cope without me. If you have any friends that want a weekend away - go for it and do not micro manage how DH will cope while you are away. He can stock the fridge himself, or buy fish and chips or take DC to sports fixtures.

Do something twice a week that is just for you. Fitness classes or yoga or some creative/craft fix. Tell DH he'll cope fine and ask him to do dinner on those nights. Don't worry if it is just beans and oven chips if that is all he feels capable of. Life doesn't have to be perfect for you all to thrive.

Try adding a bit of fun to daily life - play your favourite music from the past, tune into podcasts while you do manual chores, watch a few sketches by your favourite comedians before you go to bed.

Aim to have more fun with DC. Watch funny programmes together - something like Parks & Rec is suitable for tweens, teens and adults. An episode a night, all cuddled up on the sofa. Or if DC are younger, watch classic animations together - Studio Ghibli films or thinsg like Shrek, Toy Story etc that have pkenty on them for adults to appreciate. Make popcorn and pizzas. Have family film nights.

Find ways to have fun with your children that you also genuinely enjoy. Especially physical ones - family hikes, bike rides, frisbee games, swimming, kayaking, Park Run etc - all these are great fun and easy to do with just a tiny but of planning. Look out for theatre shows or interactive exhibitions that you would like to go to with them.

So twice? And they’ve been out how many times?

does dh want to stay when there?

and what about his parents?

Feeling like you have little to no choice left in your life is a really depressing thought. I know you're saying your DH is far from useless, but you say that your weekends are full of chores so you don't enjoy them, you mention you do all the cooking, laundr, cleaning and most of the shopping and a massive proportion of weekend child care, because your DH feels he wouldn't cope.

I feel it's time for you to start to take up a little bit more space in this marriage. What do you want?

Have you thought about moving back to the UK?

You might have more of a support system.

If a family moves to the other side of the world, I think it's especially important that the husband & wife are a team which it doesn't feel like you are right now.

May not be possibly with your husband's mental health issues but then maybe living back with your networks could be a way to ease the strain.

You've got a husband problem. No wonder you feel stuck - you're the breadwinner, caregiver AND the domestic homemaker. Nobody should be 100% all three of those fgs.

No several more than that, I rounded some numbers there. My parents have been out a couple of times prior to Covid but have said no more. DH's parents have also been out twice including one longer stay. They are committed to coming out every other year.

Sending you hugs! I'm a bit older than you and feeling much the same way today as what you have written, although I'm pretty tired today after a rare row with the DH... 😫

However have you thought instead of driving around visiting the Relos on your trips home, how about all meeting up at a central location? I stayed in Phuket pre covid and the resort had multi bedroom sized properties that can be rented.

There was a big family staying in one of the properties, and apart from a DIL not having a good time, it seemed to suit them...

By going back every year you create an expectation that you'll continue to do so. Say you're making it every other year. Or the suggestion made by @expat101 of going to a central location. But don't pay for it all; they can chip in.

Private school? Bin it off. Go government and bring in the tutors at Year 10 if needed. I tutor privately in. Australia and only one tutee has been government school educated. Seriously, I don't know what the parents shelling out those private school fees are paying for: not good enough teaching apparently.

But really, your DH is the problem here. Your post that he's now homesick for the last place makes it seem he's perennially dissatisfied. Suggestions upthread of forcing a break in the childcare sound feasible.

Good luck, OP.

@echt I have no issue with public schools, we are using a fantastic one. But our local high school is a specialist college focused on an area my eldest DD has no interest or aptitude for. I just don't like the way that kids seem to be expected - at least in our state - to specialise from 11. By comparison, the private school offers the normal range of academics, sport, music, arts etc and takes everyone with no requirement to specialise, audition, pass any testing in anything at 11. Any tips? (2 more kids in the pipe!)

And yes, clearly we have created a rod for our own back with the regular trips. But we promised them when we left: my parents were very, VERY angry and threatening to never come at all. And once here, my DH has needed them to cope with the homesickness (actually they help with correcting his rose tinted spectacles! Real home is less good than fantasy home...)

Doesn't sound brilliant at the moment, do you feel overwhelmed?

A year or so back I felt like we were on a treadmill too, similarly we appeared to have the perfect life / house / careers, we had 5 daughters who had all passed exams snd gained / maintained places in 3 brilliant schools.

Our issue was at the end of a working week for all of us we faced a weekend of motivating the girls into completing their homework and taking one or other to a club or a party. For us a simple change of completing all homework in the week and banning clubs over the weeekend made all the difference. Just having no pressure over the two days.

Would that hp you, complete all food shipping chores in the week and allow the weekend to be fun?

Are you in a sports high catchment area? I know heaps of kids that went to one purely because they were local and had a great time. Not sure if that helps. Otherwise you should be able to apply to your next nearest public high.

Out for 5 years
couldn’t travel for 2
thats a lot of visits home and from family in 3 years when we’re talking uk to Australia