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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

240 replies

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:16

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 24/09/2022 08:20

he is indeed acting like a total twat and you should tell him so.

ChrisTrepidation · 24/09/2022 08:23

He wants all the attention to be on him. He doesn't care about your pain.

Is he usually this selfish?

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:23

I suspect that in exchange, I’ll be forced to listen to a soliloquy about how much he is suffering. Would that be worse than the current drama queening, I wonder?

OP posts:
IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:24

Yeah he is quite selfish, but he has many other redeeming qualities.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/09/2022 08:25

Are they redeeming enough to stay with someone who doesn’t want to take care of you when you’re unwell?

Wombat27A · 24/09/2022 08:27

Normally, I'd be quite unsympathetic but I had a bike crash 30 years ago that damaged my ribs, they still twinge now.

It's a nasty pain & movement is difficult. Takes ages to get better.

WaltzingWaters · 24/09/2022 08:30

Oh gosh what a drama queen he is. Even if he is genuinely in more pain again he should set that aside and look after you the best he can. He’s being completely and utterly selfish and it would seriously change the way I felt about him.
think it’s time you discuss it with him and give him a reality check, although he’ll probably just end up sulking.
Best wishes with your recovery OP 💐

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 24/09/2022 08:30

His attitude would have me running to the spare room permanently.. Not an attractive quality is it?

SheWoreYellow · 24/09/2022 08:33

If it’s still so sore after seven weeks, is it all healing ok? I’d be super concerned and push him to get it looked at. That might make him decide it’s not too bad after all.

Butterbean9 · 24/09/2022 08:38

He's being massively selfish and showing he doesn't care about you.

Are you happy to move into old age with a man like this? If you get a serious illness do you think he'll stick around to look after you?
This behaviour would worry me.

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:38

No, it is not an attractive quality! I get that bones don’t heal entirely after seven weeks. It’s the suspiciously-timed relapse as soon as I got a date for surgery that irritates me.

OP posts:
focuspocus · 24/09/2022 08:38

You know best what he's like and if you think he's a drama queen he probably is. As you get older you know what kind of caring partner he is going to be if you have any issues. It's not nice to live with someone who knows you have been through something major and doesn't do anything to show they care or help you in recovery.

I would say though that my dad cracked a rib a few years ago, just cracked, not broken. He is in his 70's looks after himself and gets on with most things for himself but they do still trouble him and he gets a little scared when my kids go in for a hug. Wishing you well in your recovery.

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:41

I have a lovely friend staying, who is helping me with showers and changing the dressing etc., so I might wait until she leaves before I deal with his behaviour. Had to have words with him last night because he left her to do the washing up whilst he sat down, sighing. She isn’t visiting to be a housekeeper, or to look after him: he’s been managing to cook and load/unload the dishwasher for a few weeks now.

OP posts:
IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:44

He is seven years older than me. He seemed to appreciate the help I gave him after his accident and sid that he didn’t want to be old he thought it would be easier with me around etc etc.

Maybe he thinks that’s my role in life: ever-smiling wife devoted to his needs!

OP posts:
IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:44

Sorry that should read, ‘he said that although he didn’t want to be old, he thought it would be easier with me around’

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 24/09/2022 08:44

Has he got a friend you can suggest he goes stays with to help him? About 30 years should be enough

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 24/09/2022 08:52

I'd ask him if the dramatic ooh ah noises ease the pain, as if so, then you'll give it a try when you are sore. And start oohing and aaaahing at frequent intervals.

Though if it was my own DH, I'd laugh, tell him to stop being a drama queen and that it was my turn to be looked after so go put the kettle on for me!

iekanda · 24/09/2022 08:52

How long have you been with him? More like 5 or 30 years? He sounds totally obsessed with himself.

OriginalUsername3 · 24/09/2022 08:53

Mine did this. When I had an emergency c section he was in more pain because of the hernia he's had for over 10 years and still hasn't been to the doctors about. I was leaning over the sink washing bottles (I failed breastfeeding because I just couldn't do it all, also failed expressing because I couldn't find the time) carrying a baby up stairs to change nappies and doing everything while he was asleep because he was so tired from the baby and in so much pain from his hernia. I still have problems with my scar because I just didn't let it heal.
For me, because I, and baby, continued to need his help, he just became more and more abusive and we'll be leaving soon.

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:55

I'd ask him if the dramatic ooh ah noises ease the pain, as if so, then you'll give it a try when you are sore. And start oohing and aaaahing at frequent intervals.

That is a great suggestion and I might try it.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername3 · 24/09/2022 08:57

Could you tell him that he needs to go back to hospital because he absolutely should not be in this level of pain so long after a break and since he recovered and then relapsed as soon as you got your op date maybe the bones have moved. I'd have your friend drive you both to the hospital and sit with him the entire time just so a doctor can tell him he's being a bell end and is fine and should be looking after his wife.

Hotandbothereds · 24/09/2022 08:58

I’d tell him he needs to go to A&E immediately because he’s been fine for weeks and something is clearly terribly wrong - hopefully A&E waiting times near you are horrendous and he’ll be out of your hair for a few hours.

joke before anyone jumps on inappropriate use of A&E

Porcupineintherough · 24/09/2022 08:58

Well there are two options here aren't there. One is that he's putting it on and the other is things aren't healing as they should. Maybe you should suggest he consult a doctor about why his ribs aren't healing properly?

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:59

Sorry about your husband, @OriginalUsername3

I’d love to know what drives this sort of behaviour. Narcissism? The belief that other people exist to serve them? A failure to develop past the 6 year old, “I want to be the star of the school play and if I can’t be, I’ll ruin it for whoever is!” mentality?

(and yes, I know that not all six year olds are like that!)

OP posts:
BirlinBrain · 24/09/2022 08:59

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