Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

I sympathise, OP. My DH hates me being ill and if ever I am ill he develops symptoms of his own that are far worse than mine.

I have recently had quite a severe flare up of a long term condition, and during that time DH has been useless. He didn't do a thing in the house, and seemed to be counting down the hours until I was 'better' and could do everything again. He didn't do any looking after of me, just left things to pile up and me to muddle along looking after myself. It's going to take me months to get on top of all the cleaning, laundry etc now I'm recovering.

He expects a full on nurse service if he's ill though!

studies show that if in a relationship with a man, if women are diagnosed with serious / long term or life threatening illness, many men leave them or start divorce proceedings

unsurprisingly this doesn’t happen the other way round….

This.

You have all my sympathies OP. My DH is like this as well. The more serious the illness I had the worse he behaved. It's one of the reasons we are heading for divorce. There's no way you can trust a man like this to step up when you really need them. It's a total basic lack of human decency. You need to tell him though. Maybe unlike my DH he might find some self awareness from somewhere.

I'd be tempted to buy a mug with Ooh, ooh aah on it and give to him for Christmas.

Poor baby. How inconvenient of you to have your op just when he's busy attention seeking!

That sounds very hard on you. Could you afford a cleaner and
laundry service until you are better?

I've had six operations and various minor procedures in the last six months. For four weeks after each OP I wasn't supposed to lean forward, bend down. I asked him to clean the bath, not the loo or sink, he huffed and puffed. A week or more likely two I asked him to do it again. His response was "But I've done it"

We had guests I couldn't carry a heavy tray full of dirty dishes from dining room to kitchen he muttered why me. Afraid I shouted "Because of my operation you STUPID man. I didn't return to the table after that.

All the caring I've done for decades I'm not allowed any leeway. Now I leave the letters of after care in the bathroom with my Meds knowing he'll read them

Yes, correct.
After my C section, I was back doing the school run, running after 4 yr old. The day after I got home. I literally hit the floor running, including supermarket, meals etc.
My H was constantly, huffing & blowing about his bad back that he had for the former 10 yrs with no real attempt fo solve, correct or limit.
Whenever I have a pain (currently major issues with my own back which I am holding off having surgery on, his is worse, & he starts the "show".
Whenever anyone mentions their illness, or flu etc, he has it is worse.
I frequently stop him & say, we aren't talking about YOU.
he is a stupid, attention seeking child

Hope you make a quick recovery op, I sympathise on the DH front as mine is a total pain in the ass when he is ill.

We both had a cold the other week, not covid, and honestly you’d have thought the world was ending. The moping about with a hang dog expression, the endless complaining that it was so unfair and why did it have to be happening to him, the describing of every symptom of his suffering in great detail, the moaning and groaning, the performative throat clearing, the sniffing, God the sniffing. I just got on with mine and was better in a few days, his lasted a good fortnight and he made everyone suffer along with him. Then he hurt his back and I’ve not heard the end of that either. Funnily enough, he managed to go out with friends last night and is also away out today on a pre arranged thing and seems to be ok. No doubt the back pain will resume normal service tomorrow.

He sounds like someone I know, thankfully I'm not married to him.

It's all, 'me, me, me' give me some attention, I want it now, I want to be the star of the show all the time. I think I'd have told him where to get off by now OP.

Couldn't you go somewhere to convalesce properly by yourself? Leave this selfish prat to his own devices. What attracted you in the first place? Was he handsome, charming, generous? Sadly, his personality sounds wanting.

My dad is like this but didn't have a brilliant childhood, so was lacking affection rather than smothered with it.

He absolutely cannot tolerate my mother being unwell and always has to compete to try to reclaim the sympathy and care for himself. Case in point - her being unwell in hospital with a severe kidney infection was terrible for him. He is old and lonely and it isn't fair that he was left alone.

The most blatant example was my mum started choking on her dinner. While I was furiously thumping her on the back and checking she was ok, fetching her a glass of water after etc, my dad didn't move from his chair but started talking in a conversational way about a time when he nearly choked years ago and how terrible it was and much worse etc, but actually trying to tell us this story as my mother was sat there actually choking! When no one was acknowledging him (we were a little distracted!) he just started repeating my mum's name louder and louder "Julie. Julie! Julie, remember when I choked? JULIE! Remember that? JULIE!!"

unreal.

I had a family member like your husband, if anyone was hurt she'd always turn the conversation and attention to her talking about her old injuries! Luckily by the time she turned 3 she realised that it wasn't endearing. Maybe a year or two of pre-school might help your husband to grow up a little.

As Pps have suggested, reciprocate in kind. Vocalise every twinge you feel.become heavy footed when taking your short walks.Ask for a smaller cup for your tea as your usual mug is a strain to lift.
When women of my family went through their hysterectomies (another subject but does anyone think it odd that such a large number of women used to have them almost as a matter of course ?) they were advised to lift nothing heavier than a teapot.
I think you need to have a very Frank talk with your drama 🎭 queen 👑 and tell him to man up. It's your turn to be looked after

My DH is usually pretty stoic, unless I am injured or sick then it becomes a competition, but if you ask him if he is OK it is all I'm fine, nothing wrong don't worry about me. With my DH it isn't that he wants to be in the spot light, it is that he doesn't want to do more household chores.

I think my DH struggles with expressing empathy. He tends to get 'ill' when anyone else is. He's really slowed down and started the 'oh my feet!', routine since I've been diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I think he 'shares' in my pain and illness as a subconscious substitute for being empathetic. It's useless and counter productive, but I think that might be what underlies the wired behaviour.

OP,

Think long and hard about the future ahead of you with him, because it sounds spectacularly grim.

Dull, tedious, selfish bore of a man that has never looked after you when ill, 7 years older than you and expects you to look after him.

Sounds utterly horrendous.

Is your friend staying particularly to helpyou as you knew that he wouldn't?

@PlainJaneSuperBrain99 WTF!

Well OP my partner dumped me by WhatsApp message the day I got home from hospital after breaking and dislocating my ankle and breaking several smaller bones in my foot. I need complete non-weight-bearing for 6 weeks followed by an op to remove external fixator after 6 weeks, followed by a further period of moon-boot wearing and crutches. We didn't live together but had been together a while. Apparently the relationship was too emotionally demanding and he couldn't cope. Poor lamb! So I totally feel your pain (no pun intended sorry!) Best wishes for your recovery, from one convalescing invalid to another

I know! I always knew this about him on some level but that was a real wow moment. It made me wonder what would've happened if she hadn't managed to cough out the obstruction and if it was just the two of them there. Would he have done anything to help.

My sister works in a dementia home and says when you have a man in there with dementia, the wife still visits and nurtures them, makes sure they're hair is combed and they're eating etc. But when the wife is the one with dementia, husbands visit less/for shorter durations and are often abrupt or short tempered with their sick partner and make no gestures of caring. She puts it down to being an older generation thing, but I'm not sure it is unfortunately.

Yes. She was subtle about it but, yes. She saw what he was like when he had his bike accident!

My mum and dad (both 90!) wanted me to stay with them but they are too old! Thank god for friends!

I should have realised what he was like before I married him. He caught a cold a couple of months into the relationship and I went to see him. He answered the door in full dressing gown of doom/stubble/shuffling mode. What I didn’t realise was that he would be competitive with illness. About a year after we married I picked up flu (real flu) at work. I came home early and went to bed. He decided that he’d need to go to bed too, just in case. Which meant of course that he couldn’t help me. He never did catch it, but I can remember his excitement at the thought of being ill, or at least being iller than me!

I liked him when we met because he is clever.

I didn’t say that he had been cured for four weeks. Bones don’t mend in three weeks (his bike accident was seven weeks ago). I suspect that you are very invested in exaggerating how terribly painful broken ribs are because you broke yours once. So have I, in the past.

The bit you are missing was that for the weeks before I got my operation date through, he’d been improving steadily and had in fact been able to drive for the two weeks before I was admitted. He’d been out to friends’ houses and had chosen to drive us to events rather than our taking a train or a taxi. He’d been getting out of bed, and out of chairs, with no difficulty. He’d been cooking and loading/unloading the dishwasher.

Why, then, would he start with the ooh ooh ah as soon as I got the operation date through? One week before I was admitted. Why the sudden relapse?

My expectations are not unrealistic. I’m not expecting him to ‘move my body weight around’ or ‘use his arm as if he had never been injured’. I asked him, this morning, to give me his good arm so that he could help me up whilst I pushed myself off the bed. Not to heave me off the bed. It’s interesting that you are so keen to present me as the villain of the story. How many years have you been telling people the story of your painful broken ribs? Have you built your personality around it?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3824231-DH-grunting-with-dressing-gown-of-doom
YANBU - and unfortunately such a recognisable pattern