Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

@IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle, I know a lot of people are validating you here, but I want to tell you something. Don't diminish his pain in the same way you don't want him to diminish yours! YOU are stoic! YOU are a trooper! YOU are the type to just get things done! Your husband, however, is not that type. He broke an arm and three ribs! I had an extremely bad accident. I can tell you that rib injuries are HORRIBLE! Some days I was sufficiently pumped up on pain meds and I was fine, but there were days toward the end of my recovery where I would be fine one day and then be in pain the next day. Doctors do NOTHING for broken ribs unless they puncture something. Otherwise, they let them heal on their own! It isn't pleasant. So sure, your husband might be a complete drama queen, BUT don't invalidate his pain! You don't want him invalidating yours!
Also, I have to add that I think it was a tough time for BOTH of you to be down and out. I have a suggestion and I hope you take it.
PLEASE HIRE SOMEONE TO COME HELP YOU, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS! Hire them to cook or do housework or do laundry. If you don't want to do that, hire a nurse just to attend to you. You married a man who is a little over the top, but in this case he was genuinely hurt. You are hurting too. So, make it easy on both of you and get some help. Also please remember that this man loves you. If he doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, which is a distinct possibility, then don't make this a commentary on everything going wrong in your relationship. Instead, address what you're REALLY upset about! What REALLY bothers you about your marriage? That is the question only you can answer. If you feel that your husband has an overall lack of care and diligence where you are concerned, then express your feelings to your husband and get counseling OR, if you don't want to, leave the relationship. COMMUNICATE! Sit your husband down and tell him what you need! Tell him how you feel! Tell him what's going on! You would be amazed how clueless men are sometimes, but your husband isn't a mind reader. If he is upsetting you and driving you crazy, don't tell him those words, tell him the words that he can actually do something about;

BAD: You're getting on my nerves and driving me crazy!

GOOD: Honey, I love you and I've tried to be here for you through your recovery. Even though I know you're still injured, I'm going through a lot emotionally and physically right now and I feel like you aren't helping me as much as I need you to at this time. Can you do X for me? Can you do Y for me?

Your husband didn't have to ask you to have his needs met, but YOU didn't marry YOU! If how he acts isn't good enough for you and you want out, then get out, BUT if there is any part of you that really wants your marriage to work, then you have to open your mouth. Sometimes it would be easier if we married versions of ourselves, but since we didn't, OPEN YOUR MOUTH & COMMUNICATE! I wish you the best and I hope you recover well!

He may have a lot of good qualities, so I hope you are saving up a lot of money and goodwill with other friends and family in case you ever have something serious happen that leaves you bedridden for months or fighting some long term or permanent condition. Because he will probably do nothing and make life miserable for you or just straight up walk out on you.

The sympathy ended when her DH recovered. He's now attention seeking, totally different thing.

Hope you're recovering well OP.

Don't be such a wimp and unsympathetic, his injuries are much more painful, period !

God, this is a patronising post

@IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle

I must admit you have a wonderful way with words ! What a joy it has been to read

Trigger warning - I'm a husband.

I know this is an old-ish thread, but I've just stumbled across it in my attempts at preparation for my wife's upcoming hysterectomy. And I have to say, I'm pretty shocked at the comments on here - both what the women are saying about their men, and what the men are doing (or not doing). So, I thought I'd share a dude's perspective, and really hope I don't come off as 'mansplaning'... it's just one bloke's view.

First off, I'm new to this and I don't really know if I'm welcome to post on this board? (please do let me know). Part of me feels like I've ill-advisedly wondered into the women's toilet with an opinion on sanitary products, but here goes... don't kill me.

As a fella on the one hand I want to give these guys the benefit of the doubt - pain thresholds are subjective and who's to say who feels pain the greatest? Plenty of studies suggest that women have higher pain tolerance. And unfortunately the wincing "oohs" and "aahs" are virtually involuntary "dad noises" men seem to develop somewhere around 40, and become more common the older we get.

Having said that, I can imagine this is annoying as shit for a wife/partner at the best of times, let alone while they are quietly suffering their own pain in dignity (I am certainly careful not to make too many of those noises when my wife has been curled up in agony on the sofa bleeding like a stuck pig every month.)

Now, are men be able to control these noises, of course we can. If this is brought to the attention of a reasonable man, he will take it on board, apologise for his insensitivity and make a conscious effort to keep a lid on that shit. He may need to be reminded, but it will eventually sink in. For a reasonable man, that is.

And make no mistake, almost all men like to be "mothered" in some capacity - women too. Who doesn't like to feel loved and cared for? Women get that feeling in different ways like the feeling of a "strong man protecting them" etc. The problem is, on the whole, women are more empathetic and have better developed nurturing instincts that means thinking of the well being of others just comes more quickly, naturally and genuinely. Not always of course, but on the whole. Plenty of men have this too, but maybe it's not as common across the board, so for many guys it becomes an active thing they must remind themselves to do, or else they revert to a default position of subject of care, which by nature is one of self-interest.

However, it sounds like the husbands and partners in these posts are either not realising or choosing to ignore the dynamic has shifted in the relationship, the situation has changed, and they are expected to step up and become the active carer. And that that's pretty inexcusable behaviour for anyone. That must be made aware of that shit immediately. Do NOT wait and expect them to reach that conclusion by themselves, or just instinctively know what they should do, because they won't. And you'll become increasingly and quite rightly outraged by it, which just confuse the guy because his previous patient, loving and caring wife is now ready to knife him through the eyeballs. If the man is reasonable and loves his wife, he'll kick into gear. And if he doesn't... well, there's something to be said for seeing the real person at the most difficult times, and I hate to say it, but if you don't automatically want to care for and protect someone you are supposed to love, it makes me question how much you actually love them.

So no, I find it hard to defend these guys. A lot of them do sound like a bunch of twats. There may be some extenuating circumstances that explain their twattish behaviour, but not excuse it.

Anyway, after reading these comments, I immediately asked my wife where I fall on this spectrum of twattishness? The response was, not bad, but could improve in some areas. Can't everyone?

Pain thresholds are subjective and who's to say who feels pain the greatest? Plenty of studies suggest that women have higher pain tolerance.

And I wonder how much of that is due to the conditioning we receive from a young age to smile and be polite and never complain or be an inconvenience? Not to mention that learning to live with pain is a matter of survival, considering women's pain has never been taken seriously by the medical community. Not back when they were diagnosed with hysteria and sent to asylums, and not now, when an alarming number of doctors still dispute the existence of endometriosis. I'm fairly sure that if men suffered with endo, there would be a better system than years of medical gaslighting, followed by the high-tech diagnostic process of cutting you open and having a rummage.

I have a connective tissue disorder that affects far more women than it does men (depending on the study you read, between 70% and 90% of people affected are women). I was fobbed off for 20 years until I worked out the likely diagnosis by myself. I was finally believed and referred to rheumatology (by the first ever female GP I've had...) and they refused to even see me on the grounds that "there's no cure or management for it anyway, so what's the point?". That's perhaps more of a comment on the lack of resources in the NHS but still, my chronic pain is not considered to be a priority. I'm 33 and walk with a stick, have a blue badge, wear compression/supports to stop my joints from dislocating. I repeat: that's not a priority.

So, no, I don't think men get a pass when it comes to this. Frankly, I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to manage the behaviour of another adult who has the emotional intelligence of a bag of rocks. If these men are aware that they have to actively remind themselves to... <check notes>... care about their partner's well-being, they should put in place mechanisms to ensure they do that. Otherwise, relying on the partner to remind them is just another example of outsourcing emotional labour.

@cabeko you will find a welcome here, but may I suggest you "lurk" on threads and read what other women who have had hysterectomies and posted on MN over the years. You will find a weath of first-hand information and experience, with no need ever to post, if you don't want to. The Search functions are your friend.

It is not really etiquette to resurrect a so-called "zombie" thread by posting on it months or years after the previous poster.

If you want to learn how to use Mumsnet effectively, may I suggest you begin with one of the boards relating to something other than women's health - if you have a cat (or even if you don't) I recommend The Litter Tray. Or Property. Or whatever interests you have yourself, and would like to discuss with like-minded people.

Finally, may I offer you a cup of tea?

That operation is going to take at least 12 weeks to get realistically better even if you are stoic.l couldn’t lift a bottle of milk until 4 weeks had passed. Believe me his grandstanding about his arm is him being selfish. My late father in law was like this, absolute nightmare! Sending you 🤗.x

Yes I thought that!! Well said

OP last posted in Sept 22.

@cabeko resurrected it yesterday, and I replied to him.

So really it's a Zombie thread.

@SequentialAnalyst many thanks for the welcome, the comments and the best practice advice on here.

I've lurked on here for a while on various threads, and learned a lot from the experiences and opinions shared within, but that was my first comment. In hindsight, no matter how qualified I thought I was to comment, trying to add to this particular conversation was maybe presumptuous and not the best move.
I would very much like to comment and interact with threads though - if they are the right threads - so in your opinion, is this very much a woman's space, purely for women to discuss women's subjects with other women? If so, the last thing anyone wants is for some bloke to invade such a space, right?

Lastly, my apologies for reanimating this as a dead thread, and I will gladly take you up on that cuppa with thanks.

Oh, and one last last thing, my best regards to the OP and hope things worked out for her.

@cabeko I would send you a PM but since the upgrade last year, PMs don't work for me, and I've never tried to sort it out, although it's been on my to-do list. I'll put it to the top of my priorities, and get back to you.

You could search for PigletJohn's posts. He is highly respected on MN, especially in Property/DIY, advising posters with plumbing problems, and giving very clear guidance on diagnostics and problem solving, without being in the least bit patronising [s

bugger that was supposed to end with a