Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

Also I'm nicking the 'dying swan routine' line!

Just wanted to add to my post: I know it isn't always the mother's fault when a person turns out like this, I just cannot express the insane displays of stoicism my MIL stages (just as performative as husband's of suffering, really), so the dynamic is very striking. If her arm fell off she'd finish doing the housework and wait until it went gangrenous before 'bothering' anyone with it. It's definitely given him the idea that men are (and in particular he is) exponentially more important and deserving of attention than women; and whilst he does express sympathy and do things for people, he clearly thinks this is extraordinarily generous behaviour, deserving of sainthood candidacy.

(Obviously this is just one aspect of his personality, but it really is the one thing about him that I absolutely cannot stand.)

Bastard.

Still, next time he's "suffering" you'll know better. Nursing and sympathy services suspended.

Meanwhile, take good care of yourself. Regular short walks are good, but so is an afternoon nap. Really be strict with the limit on driving, and lifting anything heavier than a kettle. In about 6 weeks you'll feel like a new woman.

Then it might be time for a new man.

It’s not inevitable that you do more of the domestic work btw. It’s social conditioning and learned behaviour.

That’s not a criticism of you just an observation. My experience is talking changes nothing . Maybe do less going forward and see how that pans out?

I would 100% give him the exact same level of care he gave me next time he was ill. If he complained I'd remind him of how he treated me when I'd had major surgery and that he was welcome to have a friend come and stay to care for me like I'd had to.

He sounds pathetic-im not syaing his ribs dont hurt but its like a child when they say theyre dying when they fell over a week ago

very unflattering

Reading a book by a noted psychiatrist atm who says there is a definite psychological condition that men suffer from when their wives are in pain, childbirth, etc.. one of the ‘unknown synmotoms’ he calls it!

But he was absolutely fine until OP got her operation date, then all of a sudden his pain got worse and he started making wincing noises

He may not be totally pain free, but he is being a total drama llama.

I had covid six months ago, broke my ribs coughing and it turned into pneumonia. Never registered a positive on a LFT but it did on a PCR.

I had it a second time and didn't even know I'd got it until I had to do a LFT to visit a care home. Funny thing covid.

Is that condition called self-obsession?

I nursed DH through two C diagnoses. No sooner than he got well and I was disabled. There is no way he would do the dying swan impression and I realise that he was lifting and shifting me when he had a 8cm tumour on a vital organ. He went on to rupture it but not when he was involved in my care thankfully.

The behaviour of your DH reminds me of footballers rolling about dramatically and my flunge would slam shut so fast you would hear it four counties away.

Couvade syndrome - I’ve looked it up and it’s actually a syndrome and suffered by fathers to be where they serve the symptoms of the pregnant mother! Genuine psychiatric illness

This reminds me of 2 little 4yr olds playing when one cuts themselves and needs a plaster and all of a sudden the other child has to have a plaster also. At 4 this kind of behaviour is acceptable but at 44 or whatever age your dh is I would call bullshit.

BTW I love how you called him out op. Hopefully it works.

It took me 5 months to gain any kind of strength after hysterectomy. It’s a long recovery. Mine was a vertical scar as the horizontal cut you’ve probably had was far too small for my massive uterus.

I’m also not a well woman so I expect you’ll heal faster. But just to say you’re in for a long wait if he continues to milk this. It’s a good job you have a friend around. I needed my dh to look after me for a long while.

As for getting out of bed, I presume you’ve been shown to shift yourself to sitting with your elbows then swing your legs round. Can you hook your leg under the bed frame to help you sit up?

My dad was always a selfish twat whenever my mum was post-op. He'd help her but doing it obviously begrudgingly and be snappy or just not speak to her. It's not attractive.

What does he bring to your table?

Can you imagine treating someone you loved like this?

Nope, me either.

I would tell him to go to a and e as its not normal for him to be so debilitated by his injuries at this stage. Either that or he should stfu and look after you.

You really do need to prioritise your recovery in the next few weeks over anything else. What you do in the next six weeks will impact the rest of your life.

Whether you want to spend your golden years pandering to a man child or not, you want to be in good health.

Is it an option to move out for a while? Or to get some paid help or a carer for a while? Or to send him away - it takes a great deal of patience and will power not to get up and do things, and you will use up your supply of it listening to Mr Moans.

But please, please prioritise yourself now because he won’t be there for you if you have complications or long term pain either.

Tell him outright to fuck off. Thsts what I'd do.
That is really ugly behaviour. I could never fancy him again. The gate to my "house" would be slammed shut forever.

I think it's a combination of wanting to be the centre of attention, trying to enforce a hierarchy (their needs are always more important) and creating an excuse not to practically care for someone else. They don't want to admit they're selfish and lazy, so to them an 'illness' feels like an acceptable way to avoid doing stuff for someone else.

Is there someone else who can help you for a while, as he is being useless?

I badly broke a limb many years ago and it was worse than his - complex surgery, lots of risks etc. It still hurts at times, but you do not have relapse of broken bones!!! He is being a twat.

Reminds me of my dear old late dad. Very healthy and mobile right up into his eighties, but my mum was very ill for years with osteoporosis ,many broken bones over the years as a result, heart condition, one kidney and barely functioning ,in fact had a miserable old age which l wouldn't wish on anyone.
I cared for them both and dad was always really competitive with mum over how much medication they respectively needed. Dad would line up his 'medication'

• paracetamol on prescription (which l honestly believe was prescribed for him to stop him repeatedly calling into the doctors as he never complained of any pain or seemed to be in any). Ditto sleeping tablets and various otc medications such as Cod Liver Oil etc etc. and some verucca dressings. He would spread it out like a pharmacy display on the sideboard next to mums many medications and equipment. He obv. had some dementia at that stage but had always been like your DH to a degree despite being blessed with very rude health all his life. Used drive me spare.

You could say that previously you hadn't worried about being old but now that you had seen what you get the first and only time you've ever needed him to step up and take care of you a bit you were rather more concerned and maybe you should have picked someone 7 years younger and more giving than you. Twat.

Oh god, what a turn off. I used to have a partner like this - massive turn off and I lost all respect and love for him.

Thanks for the insightful posts and the great advice.

Some of those stories!!!!

Interested to read this:

various otc medications [plus paracetamol] such as Cod Liver Oil etc etc. and some verucca dressings. He would spread it out like a pharmacy display on the sideboard

Yes, my husband also does this. He is only taking paracetamol once a day for his ribs but it’s all there on the kitchen island WITH THE SLING HE TOOK OFF SIX WEEKS AGO.

I get Op said he had been fine for 4 weeks. Personally I find that hard to believe as that would be 3 weeks post a broken arm and broken ribs. I don't know anyone that is 100% recovered and pain free at 3 weeks post broken bones and ribs. So that fact that OP thinks he has been fine for 4 weeks and therefore at 7 weeks is now more than able to move without limitations and move her body weight arond and use his arm and body as though he had never been injured - tells me she doesn't realize the extend of his injuries either. While she rushed to his side initially - it seems her expectations are unrealistic with regards to his healing and current strength and pain level. And kudos to her if she is pain free in 3 weeks and 100% recovered in 7 weeks from her hysterectomy. As someone who has had a lot of surgeries - I wish I had that healing power.