Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

My husband is useless when I’m ill. Injured myself a few months ago and the garden and house have gone completely south. I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week and he felt the need to ‘keep me company’ aka sleep! I had a general anaesthetic yesterday and am in some pain. No dinner on the go even tho I’d not eaten since the day before. Apparently ‘running me around’ kept him busy. 2 x 5 mile round trips at 7am and 4pm. Literally dropped at the door. Did eat at nearly 8pm. Vomited most of the evening after and he’s just got up at gone 10.30. I’ve been up ages. I’d divorce him right now if I could. It’s pathetic. If you find a way not to really be disgusted with your husband right now OP please share!

@IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle this made me hoot, sorry:

”Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.”

ROFL hahahaha!

@IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle
Unbelievable.
A hysterectomy from what I remember a relative having years ago is an operation that needs a lot of rest while it heals.
I remember it being a ''Big deal'' and the relative getting more care while she recovered.

Even much loved animals who have ovario~hysterectomies are advised {or their owners are} that it is 'Major surgery that needs 5 week's recovery time for everything to knit together and heal after being surgically cut.

Men can be fusspots, but intercostal pain {Muscles between ribs} is very sharp and sudden, and his winces might be 'Instinctive'...I had a slipped disc and the pain of that would make me go ''Argh!'' if it caught me right.

But you know your husband... Hope you recover from your operation fast.

My ex was like this. Anything I had, he had three time worse! I had my gall bladder out [ after a year of severe pain ] and he made it all about him, saying he was suffering from the same issues as me and took to his bed. My neighbour was the one who looked after me and drove me to and from the hospital [ 15 years down the line he still has his gall bladder! ]

I put up with him for 10 years and that was more than enough!

That is the sort of thing 'D'P would do. My GP recently told me what he was doing to me was domestic abuse. It's all because he wants to be the king of the castle, the centre of attention. I wonder if your husband is an abuser too? It is often quite subtle and abusers are not abusive 100% if the tim.

He sounds like a twat. My dad did competitive illness and I couldn’t stand it.

But equally I couldn’t stand your attitude of ‘I’m stoic’ and ‘I’m putting on a brace face as we women do’. 🙄 It all sounds like you pre plan how your going to be instead of just dealing with any pain as it happens and both of your ways seem a bit attention seeking and weird.

My mother in law is like this (just to reassure you that it’s not an exclusively male trait 😂). Brother in law too. Whenever anyone else is having a bad time (see: SIL had a c section, all 6 of us caught covid and a stomach bug in the same week, other BIL had covid months back, I had a miscarriage etc etc etc….) they suddenly have something worse. Or their previously existing symptoms (from the last time anyone else was ill….) get worse. I have honestly never met anyone else who is so delighted when something is wrong with them. I genuinely think she would like to live next door to the doctors surgery so that she could nip round whenever she was feeling a bit sad to acquire some illness or other symptom that was worse than someone else’s in order to cheer herself up. It’s amazing though how when they have things they want to do the pains and ailments miraculously clear up. MIL couldn’t possibly help do anything for our sons christenings last year because she was so terribly unwell and hadn’t been able to use her hands properly for months. I didn’t ask her to help either, I didn’t need her to, she just needed to make sure everyone knew how awful her life was. 2 days later she is hosting a full on family party for my nephews 1st birthday 🧐🧐🧐🧐.

It drives me insane. I get that people are also allowed to be ill or in pain, but when it only seems to happen if there’s someone else who might actually be worse then it starts to wear a bit thin. Especially so when the miraculous Lazarus-esque recovery happens.

More pain than the days immediately after open hysterectomy surgery?

'Please note that I'm remembering how much help and kindness you're showing me. I did nothing but care for you for weeks. From now on you'll get the care you give'

''Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm"

This is a perfect description.. Tottering slowly, while gingerly extending an arm..One can visualise the scene perfectly, in almost cinematic detail.

''*Husband winces, his visage etched with pain, he extends an arm , which catches his ribs, and he utters an anguished ''OoH! Argh!' while trying to attend to his recovering wife.

This man could once move with consummate ease, he has changed from the fine, upstanding man he was in his palmy youth and is is reduced to a huffing, ooh~ing totterer, who can barely extend an arm without sounds pained anguish issuing from his martyr'd lips'*

I can imagine that is hugely irritating! I'd be having strong words!

Maaaaaybe in his defense... I broke my elbow and tailbone 10 years ago now. And it was in the 7-10 week bit of healing that was actually the worst. Any sympathy has long since gone, but I was still feeling awkward and delicate, and still doing physio. My tailbone has never recovered and still causes me gyp to this day.

God it's annoying isn't it? No advice op really to my to say my H is similar. Mine does have health problems that are genuine but he just can't bear not being the most I'll, most tired or busy person in the house.

He went away when I was seriously ill with a major asthma episode and left me with primary school DS. That was the end for me and though we live in the same house the relationship never recovered.

Hope you feel better soon.

Have you considered saying something like this to him as well, as in 'I'm not entirely sure watching this performance that your other characteristics are redeeming enough to stay with you because I now worry what would happen if I needed more support from you? You're proving you're not capable of being the person supporting someone else; you want to be the sick, injured, helped party at all times. And that's very worrying. What if I got a serious illness? Is this still how you would behave?'

This reminds me a bit of once when I had a training placement on a surgical ward. One bloke was always lying in bed playing the dying fly (groaning, talking in a pathetically weak voice etc) when his wife visited and miraculously recovered and would sit up chatting away to other patients and walk round the ward as soon as she’d gone.

I hope you recover well, OP. All the best. Just out of interest, has anyone had an EMCS and also later had a hysterectomy? I wondered how the pain/recovery compares. I have had two EMCS (the first after a very long labour indeed) and have seen my mum recover from a hysterectomy.

To be fair, broken ribs hurt like a bastard. Mine were broken during CPR and I clearly remember still being in a lot of pain one month later. Though my injuries didn’t come with sound effects. That IS annoying!
It took me a few months to feel totally normal (but I had other stuff going on).I don’t doubt that your husband’s in pain.
But it does sound like competitive suffering (my ex husband was like this and it was during the time of my recovery when I realised I couldn’t grow old with him). And then ‘nail in the coffin’ stuff happened which really expedited by decision to divorce.
Illness is a brutally honest indicator of who you’re married to and how your relationship really is.
💐 for your speedy recovery. You have my sympathy.

Some people have to be the only one who is allowed to be ill. It's a form of narcissistic attention-seeking and lack of empathy and care for others.

This.

God I hate men like this and do not get it! How awful are they.

Broken ribs really hurt as every part of your upper body is connected to them and so most movement hurts. They also take awhile to heal. He likely shouldn't be moving your body weight at this point.

He may be playing it up and you know him best but I would be pretty pissed if my husband got mad I made a sound when moving hurt my healing ribs.

You having a hysterectomy doesn't automatically heal him. It is quite possibe you both have pain. I would say it would be rare for someone who had a broken arm and broken ribs to be pain free at 7 weeks.

op- wishing you a gentle,yet speedy recovery. Ive had broken ribs.the healing is really painful.he might legit hurt

I'm a bit on the fence with this as well. My DM is only a couple of years older than him and broke her arm around three months ago. It's healing okay but she's still in an awful lot of pain especially later in the evening. When I last saw her she was yelping occasionally and she isn't a drama queen about these things at all.

The doctors are happy with how it's repairing but say it's taking much longer due to her age.

‘Gingerly extending the arm’ 🙈🤣🤣🤣🤣too funny

OP, are you married to my husband?

If so, do you ever want to absolutely throttle our otherwise-lovely MIL for raising him to be such an insufferable boy prince?

MIL is the epitome of the stoical-wife-exists-to-care-for-men character, and it did literally spoil my husband. He's not too bad at doing the caretaking thing if I'm ill or injured and there is literally nothing competing with that fact, but if there's something he wants attention for, all bets are off. For instance, he took care of me well enough when I injured my leg in a bike accident on holiday (so nothing else to think about), but when I had a cold in the week he had a job interview, he was seething. (And that wasn't because I wanted any looking after, it was because I didn't have the energy to fuss around him, and asked him to show a grain of consideration for me when getting up in the morning as I wanted to sleep in if I could.) He is a complete drama queen about the slightest medical complaint (when he had to have a crown fitted he described it as 'HAVING SURGERY') and when we both had Covid, I could have cheerfully slapped him. He got it a whole week before I did, and was completely outraged by the audacity of me to try and take the 'patient' role from him. Like you, when he caught it I couldn't do enough for him (although I made him isolate from me, which he couldn't reasonably refuse to do but I think he was a bit deflated that I wasn't going to sit by his bedside mopping his brow for several days on end), but when it was 'my turn' he was snappish and resentful, and like yours he completely upped the ante having been on an upward trajectory until then. One morning he literally said a perfunctory 'how are you feeling this morning' and then didn't even wait for me to answer before launching into his own woes. He milked it for over a month, went on and on about 'brain fog' and how he couldn't do anything because 'it might hurt my recovery'. When he was ill a few months ago, he kept doing these big teeth-chattering shuddering-with-fever productions, and then had a tantrum when I said I'd be sleeping in the spare bed until he was better, as there wasn't anything I could do for him at 3am when he was Being Ill, but it was disturbing my sleep and I, unlike him, still had to work. God, I could go on for days!

What it boils down to is that when he's ill, he wants to be babied, and he wants my entire life to stop. He literally wants me to just sit and stare at him. I can only assume that's what his mother did when he was a child, because it's otherwise a completely deranged expectation. I genuinely sometimes worry about him getting a serious illness of some kind (his friend has cancer, which has put it in my mind) because I actually don't know if I could bear it.

Anyway. As PPs have said your post was beautifully written and captured the behaviour perfectly, and you're not alone! Best of luck with your recovery

Something to say to a man child: I am not your mummy and definitely don't have a weird incest kink. I thought I'd married a man not a little boy. Step the fuck up.

Their ego kicks in when they realise their very manliness is put into question.