Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

God he sounds utterly insufferable. Why would you put up with this shit?

The vast majority of people have broken something, we also all have different pain thresholds. My dd's is really low, my dh very high. I think the point isn't wether he could or couldn't have had a relapse, or how much pain he's in, it's that he op needs his help and he's turned it into a pain competition. Which would be fine, if he also helped op, but he's not, and she needs him now.

My Mum had a hysterectomy and she was told by the gp, not to lift anything heavier than a tea cup for the first few weeks. I'm sure the op's dh is still in pain 7 weeks after a break, chances are it won't be right for months, however if he can drive, he can help the op, rather than taking himself off to bed and being of no use at all. Just seems very selfish to me.

I don’t think I could ever, ever get past it that my husband’s first thought when I had major abdominal and life changing surgery was “fuck, she’ll get more attention than me now. I need to ham it up.”

I’d never get over him showing no concern or love for me at all, only jealousy and resentment.

I don't think I could past it either. I guess that's why OP and others are defending this behaviour, because to really look at it for what it is would be too painful.

It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Does he actually realise how serious a hysterectomy is?
I would be furious at his "relapse" and probably lose my cool. I understand he may still be sore but for the love of God he needs to think about someone apart from himself.

Exaggerate your pain and don't lift a finger around the house. Make him step up. You can't be Florence Nightingale and him Mr selfish twat! What's going to happen when you're elderly or have a long term serious illness?

I had a CSection with my youngest and a few years later a hysterectomy. I was amazed at the difference in expectation when you basically have the same abominal wound, in my case it was exactly the same as they reused the original scar. I know internally one you have the womb removed and the other it is stitched but I think the abdominal wound is the big deal.

With the section when my DH went home, about six hours after the op, I was left to look after a 10lb baby, I could barely lift him. The lovely lady in the next bed who was a couple of days ahead of me was kind enough to pass him to me the first night and then I just kept him in bed with me. With the hysterectomy it seemed quite normal to be an invalid for several days in hospital, I was up the following morning but the other 3 women in my bay only got out of bed to get into a wheelchair to be wheeled to a bathroom where they were hoisted into a bath. Meals were brought to the beds. I left a day before we were due to be discharged, they negotiated staying in for 2 extra days as they didn't feel well enough to cope (it was a lie they were planning it as they had a hospital plan to get £50 a night for hospital stays and they wanted more money.) The doctor seemed to think staying in that long (7 days I think) was normal.

A broken rib is painful but i think they usually heal well, a broken arm can be different, I broke my humerus over 30 years ago and it still aches. If I change the curtains I sit down and have a little cry when I've finished as it is so painful.

It isn't a competition, him being in pain isn't some sort of insult to you.

I've had broken ribs twice, a broken arm once and a hysterectomy. The one that still gives me pain over 30 years later is the broken arm. The one I got over fastest was the hysterectomy and I think in part that is because the unpleasant symptoms which led to the hysterectomy stopped so it was very quickly an improvement.

Maybe he is in pain? Give him a couple of cocodamol and tell him to STFU. Concentrate on your own recovery or it will take longer. Hope you feel better soon.

My husband picked me up from hospital moaning about a papercut between his fingers, I had an eight inch scar down my chest from my recent open heart surgery.

He’s only taking two paracetamol, once a day. There is no shortage of painkillers in the house. If he were truly in pain, he’d be taking more.

I cleared away his ‘drug box’ yesterday, because my family were visiting and the kitchen was cluttered. After his accident he would lovingly fan out his medications over the kitchen island, which made it difficult to clean. I’d tidy them, then he’d display them prominently again. He liked the liquid morphine, which he hasn’t needed since the first week, to take centre stage.

This isn’t new: when he has any kind of cold he likes his medications to be on display so that anyone visiting the house feels compelled to ask after his health. If I tidy them away, because we have eg dinner guests, he gets them out again.

His post-accident drug display was so messy that I put his drugs in a box, on the kitchen island so that he could get to it easily, with the sling he hadn’t used since the week of his accident. Every time he took anything he’d leave it out of the box, lest anyone fail to notice it, and he’d always make sure that the unused sling was out of the box and on display, even if he’d only taken ibuprofen.

The painkillers and sling were gradually joined in the drug box by his vitamins and cod liver oil. I suspect that he was aiming for a permanent ‘ill health installation’ in the kitchen. Yesterday I left his pack of paracetamol out and tidied everything else away to the places we usually store eg vitamins and painkillers. It was driving me mad, seeing it. The embodiment of his drama queenery. He was most put out but hasn’t dared to re-establish it. I suggested that he throw the sling away. It’s only a triangular bit of fabric. No, he wouldn’t countenance it because he “might still need it”.

Hahaha at the paper cut!

It isn't a competition, him being in pain isn't some sort of insult to you.

I’d suggest reading the thread.

No, it’s not a competition. He’s attempting to make it into a competition by having a strategic relapse and revisiting the “ooh ooh ah!” noises as soon as it looked like he was going to have to cede his invalid spot to his wife, seven weeks after falling off his bike.

I’m not interested in sympathy. I need practical help. I don’t expect his bones to be fully healed after seven weeks, but I expect him to grow up and stop play acting. My need is now greater than his. He’s had seven weeks of revelling in his ailments whilst I ran around after him, and now he needs to help me.

What is ‘some sort of insult to [you]’ is that he can’t bear to change roles into being the carer, for once.

I've read the thread thank you.

But you do see illness in a strange way to mention putting on as brace face “as women do”. Do women? I don’t. If I’m ill, I say I’m ill, why the fuck wouldn’t I. Stop putting on a brave face and all this stoic rubbish. The whole thing is odd. I’d suggest getting rid of this man once you’re feeling better as you clearly don’t like him, not that I blame you.

putting on a brave face

I always describe myself as a big baby when I am ill because it really gets me down. I recently had a skin graft, it was very sore and because I had a melanoma, so I felt very sorry for myself. But nobody in my family knew I felt like this. I always keep it to myself and perhaps have a little cry sometimes but wouldn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. My son was here and kept telling me off for doing stuff and he was very sympathetic and helpful but for some reason I just don’t like being dependent on anyone, and don’t want pity. Your husband seems to be the opposite of me!

Sounds like mine when I had Covid! I came home from work feeling dreadful and tested positive. He’d done a Bbq and ate an obscene amount of meat (including some of mine). He has gall stones! The next morning he stayed in bed sleeping all morning whilst I cleaned the pig sty he’d left downstairs. I was almost passing out, banging head, high temperature! I finally lost it around 1pm and screamed at him that all I wanted was my bed and he was in it! He said but I’m in agony with my gall stones! I said it’s self inflicted I’ve got Covid! He eventually let me have my bed for the afternoon 😡! Some men are selfish creatures! Try losing the plot with him. It worked for me.

Some men don't like not being the centre of attention.

Many men have lower pain thresholds than women (for obvious evolutionary reasons, we are good at dealing with pain).

Some men are squeamish and weird about gynocological issues and rather than try to show sympathy, they devolve into a schoolboy 'Ewwww' mentality.

it sounds like your bloke currently sits in the middle of this unlovely Venn diagram.

Ignore him and focus your energy entirely on your own healing. I hope you feel better soon.

Op I would really struggle to tolerate this. I have no idea why people are falling over themselves to defend his behaviour, which quite frankly is fucking pathetic. He was FINE, and suddenly when OPs had surgery is carrying on like a fucking baby. His making my friend his personal skivvy would be the last straw.
i hope you’re ok OP and recover quickly. X

The whole medications display nonsense makes him sound like an even bigger twat.

Oh OP, I feel for you. Someone behaving like this physically makes me feel ill. I would literally be unable to be with anyone like this. It is a huge turn off for me!
I wish you a speedy recovery 💐 and hope he grows up in the meantime!

Just wow, this is one of the many reasons I am happy to be single...
Firstly, I hope you make a full and complication-free recovery!💐
Secondly, tell him his next medical visit will be to the vet - to have him put out of your misery! 😉

Oh my H loves his med. displaying, his hearing aid kit, his potions & lotions.
I am constantly sweeping them into a bag & putting them on top of the fridge.
Ive told him, people dont want to see his pharmacie, people dont want to talk endlessly about his ailments , swop health anecdotes & get into his who's got worse health bid.
Ive told him, I am not a doctor, if he's that ill he should see a health professional, you know, someone who could help.
When I was giving birth, the baby stuck & being rushed for emergency cesarian, & basically at the end of what a human can endure, he said "lots of women give birth in the fields then go back to work"

OP, my DH is the same, but a slightly lesser extent. I love him, we've been together for 20 years, but fuck me he's annoying when he is sick! And he always has a cold or something or other! Something is always wrong with him.

And the sounds! So fucking annoying! Can't sniff without it being followed by an almighty groan. At dinner he could be staring into space for a while, with his fork half way up to his mouth. It's the lack of strength, you see. Or else he'll gave a tissue wedged up his fucking nose... while eating! I kid you not!

I rarely get sick, but if I do you can bet your bottom dollar he'll get it,only much worse! I've had a couple of colds this year and generally run down which he knows. I always bite my tounge (almost drawing blood), but last time I was full of cold and like clockwork he goes 'I'm starting to feel rubbish as well'... I couldn't help myself and had to say 'I knew you were going to say that 😡'. He looked flabbergasted, but he didn't question me. He miraculously got better and stayed better to allow me to be sick, on my own, for one fucking time in the last 20 years!!!

He got sick 2 weeks later, obviously. But I felt abit more sympathetic this time. I probably won't get the opportunity to get sick on my own for another 20 years though.

You are not alone!