Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

[IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle]

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

Love the A&E suggestions! They gave me a great laugh.

I have had an ‘open’ hysterectomy and also previously damaged ribs in a bike crash. The ribs do take absolutely ages to heal but 7 weeks on, vs your 4 days post op is nowhere near comparable! If I was you, I’d be having a frank conversation which would be along the lines of ‘why are you moaning, are you in pain? Have you taken painkillers? If not why not? Go to the docs if it’s bad.”. He’s clearly not not in pain but he needs to get a grip and stop being so annoying/help you. (You probably need to say that to him too. )

The good news is you will come on leaps and bounds over the next week - I was amazed at how quickly I went from shuffling around in pain to being able to get around quite easily. In a few weeks you’ll be like a new woman! It’s great!!

Has he ever looked after you in any capacity? When you have been unwell in the past?

Maybe you should point out that your future ability to care for him in his old age, which he seems to have planned for you already, is dependent on you healing properly from this major abdominal surgery. He might want to put a bit of effort in now to ensure his support human will continue to be fully functioning…

Just call him out on it. I’d ask him why he seems to be suffering now having been fine for a fortnight. If it’s worsening he needs to see the GP. If he won’t do that, he’s to stop the performance.

Yes, be more vocal, drop the stoicism, tell him to go back to the dr because you are in too much pain to listen. Perhaps talk about infections or something really serious and see if he ups the ante, if he does, proper cross words to be had!

Embarrassing and sexist that rather than look after his wife and household he is leaving it to the other female in the house !!!

My FIL is like this. MIL has chronic illnesses and past injuries, everytime they flare he is suddenly ill or his back injury from 50 years ago is suddenly hurting and when he recounts how he got the injury it's always more dramatic. It's really upsetting to see because MIL doesn't get looked after at all.. Not what you want when you're older :(

Even if he is in pain, his pain doesn't Trump yours. I'd call him out in it, and make it clear how selfish I think he's being.

Thanks for the advice about getting out of bed efficiently (no, I didn’t see a physio in hospital) and for the reassurance about how quickly I’ll start to feel better.

Also for the advice about telling the drama king to go back to the GP to investigate the reasons for his sudden relapse. My lovely female GP is the same age as me and stands for no nonsense. She would LOVE to tell him that he is being a bell end and should look after his wife!

Answer: no, he’s never really had to. I had a miscarriage ten years ago that necessitated an exploratory op and an overnight stay in hospital. I was back at work within a week.

Maybe the ‘support human’ thing will cause him to wake up!

He is quite a dour person, I’m the opposite. When we were going out, or dating if you prefer, I told him that he was someone who needed more fun in his life. Years later, after we were married, I learned that he’d interpreted that as, “I will make it my life’s mission to always make you happy and to never be sad myself”

My ex did this. When I had terrible morning sickness, he was sicker because he had bad stomach acid (he could have laid off the wine and spicy food, but nope). Then when I came home from hospital after an emergency laparotomy and a vaginal birth at 28 weeks, it had all been worse for him because 'at least you had painkillers and were too drowsy to be traumatised'

Then he 'did his back in' and moaned and gurned right up until he was due to go kayaking... then it was 'this movement is ok. It's just other type of movement that hurts.'

Every time I was sick, he was worse.

He does it to his second wife now. His 'back went' when she went into labour. She has absolutely no tolerance for his bullshit and it's quite funny.

No idea what it's about, but it's infuriating.

I married someone similar. Post partum he showed it.

We have had three children and after each labour he developed an injury. Usually a self inflicted sporting injury (although I suppose you could argue a birth is self inflicted :)).

When I had a nasty d and v bug he didn’t look after the kids because he felt queasy. Then when he wasn’t ill after all he went to work leaving me vomiting.

it’s selfish. Awful and it damaged our marriage. Each time I thought it would be better. Because he’s normally a very caring person and a wonderful father. But something about when I’m ill brings out the absolute petulant child in him.

I did some digging and it turns out his mother had a chronic illness when he was a child and he associates the ‘mother’ being ill with a breakdown of pretty much the entire family - so him being ill himself is kind of an attempt (not pull focus) but be ill as well so that he still knows he’s going to get looked after and I’m not just going to opt out.

I’ve tried to point out the deeply unhealthy dynamic in this: that I am actually not his mother but his wife…

Have you tried just asking him why he's such a wanker, OP?

after we were married, I learned that he’d interpreted that as, “I will make it my life’s mission to always make you happy and to never be sad myself”

This is EXACTLY what my husband expects. Which was absolutely fine until I was unable to fulfil it. This along with his pure inability to take any responsibility for his own actions or emotions.

Take him to A&E and do not miss out the "he recovered and was fine driving but then when I got my op date he started relapsing and when I'd had my op he's suddenly got so much worse"

I feel your pain - my partner of 13 years is exactly the same. No matter what pain I'm in, he's in pain too...and his is worse.

I'm 54, he's 52...and in the past couple of years he's even tried to 'compete' with my menopause! I complained once about how my hot flushes were keeping me awake at night...and he actually dared to say he was having hot flushes too!

I went absolutely fucking ballistic. I was in a serious car accident when I was 17 and was left with serious leg injuries...the exact same injury as Dr House, in fact. This year has been the first where I've been forced to use a wheelchair at times. I'd like to say that made my partner wake up and stop with his competing bullshit, but it hasn't...we don't live together for many reasons, this is one of them. My partner is the atypical spoilt, selfish only child and I think this is one of the way it comes out...they just can't bear anyone else being the centre of attention.

It's a mixture of being very very selfish and immature.

Tell him you booked him a gp appointment for a referral as he is still in pain. Don't actually book I though. And say that the gp said its very strange to be in pain like this now and maybe they need to reevaluate the arm and possibly needs a pin in it?

😂

So I had the conversation with him an hour ago. I was still in bed and he came in to use the bathroom. On the way out, when pushing the door open, he said, ooh ooh ooh ah!” (an extra ooh, for effect) and started rubbing his shoulder.

Following the excellent advice dispensed on this thread, I said, “do the exclamations help with the pain? I might give them a go”

He deliberately misunderstood and said, “yes, the doctor told me that rubbing the sore area helps with the pain.”

Me: “no, the ooh ooh ah stuff. You seem to be saying it all the time since the operation date was set. Does it make the pain go away?”

Him: “I don’t know what you’re saying but you always think the worst of me blah blah”

Me: “You seem to have suddenly got worse, especially since I’ve got home from hospital. If your bones aren’t knitting properly, or if something has just happened to make them worse, you need to go back to the GP”.

Him: (realising that the game is up): “I’ve had to do more in the last week and a half, that’s why I’m in more pain.”

Bollocks! Anyway, he knows that I’m on to him now. He quickly changed the subject and there has been a marked reduction in the “ooh ooh ah”. Let’s hope that continues!

That would aggravate the living hell out of me OP, the transparent attention sapping performance, the me me meness of it all.

How would he respond if you simply said, “What’s with the dying swan routine when I need you to step up for me?”

Ah cross posted with you.
Glad you confronted him.

It is also reassuring, in a weird way, to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this twattishness.

I had covid in the spring, it was fine, just like a cold, I was better in 5 days and didn’t ask him to cover any chores for me (we have a rota but inevitably I do more of the cleaning/tidying/changing beds stuff). He was outraged that he hadn’t had it. He caught a mild cold a few weeks later and really milked it. Went to bed for a week, talked in his ‘sick’ voice. Not to be outdone! He did several covid tests, which all came out negative. He was still convinced that it was covid, but a more complex and serious strain that the tests couldn’t detect. He bores the arse off everyone we spoke to, to the extent that I had to tell him to shut up before he drove all of our friends away.

How would he respond if you simply said, “What’s with the dying swan routine when I need you to step up for me?”

Beautifully and succinctly put.

Interesting that your partner is the spoilt only child.
I was going to write this sounds exactly like my father. Whenever one of us was ill as a child ( either my mother or one of the kids) he was ill too, but faaaarrr worse.
Flu virus went round, he took to his bed for a fortnight , remember being sent with meals and drinks on a tray to him. Day he felt better we ALL had to know about it, repetitively, with great detail ( can remember descriptions of colour of his urine, which at 12 was eeeuuuuuwwwwwww)
He was the only child brought up by separated mum ( unusual in the 30s/40s) and aunt, very spoilt, waited on.
OP, if your GP can see him for what he is I’d send your DP there. Sounds like he’s already decided you’re his old age carer— and to him old age can start at 60.

Many men see caring and the managing of emotions as something support humans/women do. Whilst you are unwell you are failing to properly regulate his emotions for him and, worse still, expecting him to provide care.

Two American studies looked at the impact of chronic illnesses on heterosexual marriages. They found that where the husband was ill the divorce rate dropped to just 3% (compared to a control group average of 12%) as women were more likely to stick around, even if the marriage was not a happy one, and support their husband. However, if it was the wife who was ill the divorce rate jumped to a staggering high 21%.

TLDR: your DH has the emotional maturity of a toddler. He senses a thread to his supply of emotional support so he is acting out like a 2 year old to pull the attention back to him.

Have you asked him why he is behaving this way? What is his side of the story?

He sounds insufferable.

I will admit to having "milked it" a bit when ill.

But having a relapse that coincides with someone else's op & post op recovery?

Competing to be more ill?

Why do people do this?

Some sort of insecurity?

Inability to not be the centre of attention?

This is an excellent point.
Tell him that all future care from you is dependent on you healing properly from your operation

Just wondering @IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle , whether, when you were getting married to this man-child, you both uttered the words "In sickness and in health" during your vows?
He's clearly not stepping up for the 'in sickness' bit to be able to help to bring you back to the 'in health' bit. He clearly is only interested in you when you are 'in health' but marriage doesn't work like that.
You could state quite clearly about how you dropped everything, took to his bedside and nursed him back to health but when it's your turn to be nursed back to health, he's no where to be found!

I do hope he manages to improve in his ways before you reach your limit. Personally I couldn't stay with someone who behaves so poorly towards me and in your own words "I learned that he’d interpreted that as, “I will make it my life’s mission to always make you happy and to never be sad myself”"
That is absolutely not a good foundation for a long and happy marriage and partnership.

Lastly - I hope you make a full recovery. Best of luck to you with that.