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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drama queen husband after I’ve had an operation

240 replies

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:16

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

OP posts:
DMW60 · 25/09/2022 18:29

Can you go and stay with friend and leave him to it?

Diamondsareforever123 · 25/09/2022 18:36

My partner of 30 years is like this. Selfish and childish about his 'pains and sickness' (like what are they?) whenever I'm ill and can't meet his every need! Moaning and puffing that he can't carry shopping while I cannot WALK with back pain/slipped disc. I wish I had told him to walk years ago. You have had a hysterectomy FFS! An invasive operation! Get yourself better and get this bloke of yours - who is a selfish ignorant swine - out of your life. Believe me it won't get any better.

Jaxxy · 25/09/2022 18:52

Poor you OP, having had this operation , you have my sympathy, first 2/3 weeks are pretty difficult and uncomfortable and it’s a major operation, can take six months to fully recover. Is there anyone who can have a word with him to let him see he’s being a selfish knob? He should be looking after you now!

CountryMouse22 · 25/09/2022 18:57

He sounds a right numpty. But I was wondering how he was able to drive with a broken arm? Presumably it's not in plaster. If he'd had an accident the insurance would not pay out as they wouldn't consider he had full control of the vehicle.

Miisty · 25/09/2022 18:58

Sympathy to you My husband was in pain with 4 hip fractures ) got missed by our local hospital on XRay CT scan and MRI ones sent home on Liquid morphine to die Got diagnosed at another hospital I drove him miles for appointments I had a nasty fall a few weeks ago no pain for weeks then really bad in my hip waiting for X Ray result ?a hip fracture but digs his heels in getting organised and taking so long to do things just. Doesn’t think .His mother waited on him all the time so he never learnt to do a thing at home

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 25/09/2022 19:12

Laugh at him. He's being pathetic, he broke his arm and ribs, none needed operations so weren't that bad. I've broken lots of bones, I know the bad breaks! 😂He's milking it because you are ill very obviously, least he has started reducing the patheticness now that you've outed him. It's usually men who are like this, milking any illness for all it's worth. My partner isn't too bad, he did look after me reasonably well when I did my last broken bone, but if the situations had been reversed, I know he wouldn't have recovered as well and quickly as I did. He'd still be struggling. I was too determined to get back to my old life to let something as silly as broken bones stop me.

God knows what your husband would do he'd probably still be in hospital! 😂

CactusBlossom · 25/09/2022 19:16

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:44

Sorry that should read, ‘he said that although he didn’t want to be old, he thought it would be easier with me around’

Yes, easier for him. No benefit to you. You've just had major abdominal surgery and this is how he behaves!

If he is genuinely in pain, he needs to take medical advice (perhaps an x-ray, possibly taking painkillers). If there is no issue there, then next time he "oohs and aahs" do the same, but louder...

Hope you have a good recovery, @IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle and remember for to lift or move anything heavy (including DH).

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 25/09/2022 19:25

Tie a bedsheet to the foot of your bed, and use it to pull yourself up to a seated position.

Works a treat, and doesn’t whine when it helps you.

Good luck, OP

BirdinaHedge · 25/09/2022 19:29

I hope you are doing NOTHING around the house, and nothing for your husband. He's behaving like a bastard.

Fairfatandforty · 25/09/2022 19:35

You say you don't have any children. It appears you do!! Feel better soon x

THEDEACON · 25/09/2022 19:40

Read the pathetic man child the riot act!

MiniTheMinx · 25/09/2022 19:47

My father was like this with my mother, she was 12 years younger, so he thought he could get away with playing the poor wounded one. When she was ill he said "I can't keep going up and down the stairs with drinks and food, I am 12 years older" she died a few days later.

DH has tried this wounded and pathetic drama on me. I ignore it. Last time he was genuinely ill I am sorry to say I still ignored it,.....not interested. In all the time we have been together I have only once gone to lay down for an afternoon feeling ill, just once because I can't bare having to cope with him on top of feeling ill, so now I say nothing and just carry on.

Signoramarella · 25/09/2022 19:56

Manchild.

Mine exh was like this. He walked out and went to work when I collapsed with exhaustion from looking after 2 ds under 2. I had a breakdown and he just went to work.
Then 5 years ago I had slipped disc, you guessed it, he went to work and flew my mother in from abroad.

Fucking useless.

Left him soon after.

Last year had covid really bad, a group of total strangers from dss school rallied round and cared for me.... I was more cared for and loved by strangers than ever was with him in 15 years of marriage.

You get one life, don't waste with this excuse of a man.

Jojoe29 · 25/09/2022 20:04

What a cunt. If he’s in in that much pain he should be in hospital.
Thank fuck he doesn’t have kids., selfish prick

PollyAmour · 25/09/2022 20:25

I have a brother-in-law like your husband.

He was exactly the same when he had to step up to help his wife after she had major back surgery. He'd had a knee replacement 6 months prior to her surgery, and oh my god, the drama.

He was utterly pathetic, taking to his bed because he was in so much pain from helping her sit up. He did absolutely fuck all around the house and when challenged, claimed his knee pain had flared up and he could barely walk, let alone do anything else.

My nephew, their son, fortunately hasn't inherited the dressing gown of doom gene, and he gave his dad a bollocking. He still does the competitive illness thing, but he's not quite so bad.

chris8888 · 25/09/2022 20:26

If your Mum/sister/aunt is free saying you are moving them in for a few weeks to help you as he clearly can`t.

Bard6817 · 25/09/2022 20:29

Im sure it will regarded as Toxic Masculinity, but the guy, that from you and the mumsnet guys, he needs to man up. He needs to man up and take care of his woman.

Grrrrdarling · 25/09/2022 20:31

IbelongtoChrestomanciCastle · 24/09/2022 08:16

I’m a regular poster but have name changed for this thread. It is outing.

My bloody husband is driving me mad, shamming being in pain whilst I’m a few days post op. Why is he doing it? I can only think that it’s because he can’t bear not to be the person who is the most ill, and wants to claw back some of the invalid limelight.

I had a hysterectomy on Tuesday. The cut you open type, not the laparoscopy type. I got home yesterday. I am the stoic type. He’s the ‘dressing gown of doom’ man flu sort. We have no children (for which I am thankful at the moment!). I’m 51.

My husband broke his arm and three ribs seven weeks ago, after falling from his bike. A clean break, no complications, although he spent two nights in hospital. When that accident happened I rushed to his side etc., dropped everything, took time off work, visited him every day, looked after him really well, including waking in the middle of the night to help him out of bed and into the bathroom and to dispense his drugs. Couldn’t have done more for him. He’s been driving again for two weeks and has been much better.

Hysterectomy was scheduled at short notice. As soon as I had a date, my husband appeared to have a relapse. We went to an event, that he drove to, a few days before I was admitted. During the evening, he kept saying, “it’s dangerous for me to be here in case anyone bumps into me” and “we need to go home now because I’m still so unwell”.

He started making new “ooh, ooh, ah!” noises when getting out of bed or rising from a chair. To show how IN PAIN he was. I ignored it, I had enough to think about.

Since I’ve been home he’s been a nightmare. The “ooh ooh ah!” noises are a permanent fixture. When I woke this morning, he was already awake, sitting up and reading. I asked him to help me to sit upright (with his good arm!) and the PERFORMANCE. As well as the “ooh ooh ah!”, we had gurning as he slowly levered himself off the bed, sighing. He hasn’t been doing that for at least four weeks, but now he’s doing it again. Then he tottered slowly around the bed to gingerly expend an arm. Twat.

He is driving me barmy. I’m in pain but I’m making myself do the short walks etc recommended by the hospital and I’m putting a brave face on, as we women do. He must know that he is being an arse…or does he?

Am I being unfair or is he acting like a teenage drama queen?

YATNBU. He is a being a hinderance & a tw@t!
If you can manage on your own & have friends you can rely on in emergencies
I would honestly tell him to go stay elsewhere until you are better or more able to deal with his childish behaviours.
While he is away have a serious think about the whole relationship because he sounds like a huge man baby & who the heck needs that at 51!
For getting out of bed Google physio moves after lower torso surgery.
It takes a few tries to master without the use of those stomach muscles they have cut though & involves using your legs as counter balances to help you get over onto your side & then arms to get up.
My mum has had a few lower torso surgeries for crohnes, bowel removal & reconstruction, I’ve had a c-section & my sister is a physio on HDU & this move is a game changer for Independance.

Stay strong, try not to smother him in his sleep & you will get though this 😘

lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2022 20:37

Yeah, you're his lifelong helpmeet.

You're younger. Women live longer. He's betting on you outliving him - both in years and in good health. Thus fulfilling the role of nursemaid to his ailing, declining and increasingly aged self.

Good luck - and good choices, to you.

IReallyLikeCrows · 25/09/2022 20:42

I've broken my ribs multiple times, always on the same side, so much so that while the ribs on my left side stick out normally, the ones on my right side are permanently flat. Anyway! It hurts like all buggery as anyone who has cracked or broken their ribs knows, however, and this is really important to anyone who thinks that the poor drama king needs a break - very few thankfully - the pain does not last as long as seven weeks. There are difficulties, for sure but you're pretty much healed very quickly and then it's just the dull sort of ache that is easily dealt with.

If I was seven weeks post rib breakage (or in fact shoulder breakage which I've also experienced) I would be able to help my post-hysterectomy partner in and out of bed because they wouldn't be expecting me to fully lift them and even if it was a bit uncomfortable, so bloody what, we're supposed to love and support our partners and if OP's friend can do it - would totally be there for that too - then so can that useless excuse for a human being.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2022 20:43

He is quite a dour person, I’m the opposite. When we were going out, or dating if you prefer, I told him that he was someone who needed more fun in his life. Years later, after we were married, I learned that he’d interpreted that as, “I will make it my life’s mission to always make you happy and to never be sad myself”

Not that he needed to take active responsibility for his own, and your, happiness. What a surprise.

Not narcissistic so much as bog standard average, sexist 'ordinary bloke who thinks women are put on earth to serve men's needs and wishes'. <Yawn>

You thought he was unusual, with his cleverness. Not wise or kind though, is he. Just another bog standard mediocre selfish bore, with the emotional intelligence of a three-year-old (maybe 12 on a good day?). Hey ho.

Sonineties · 25/09/2022 20:45

Poor you, I hope you are feeling a bit better.

BadNomad · 25/09/2022 20:46

Maybe he is actually in pain, though. It's not like he's getting any sympathy for it. People do have relapses when they're getting better because they start doing stuff thinking they are ok. My own broken ribs took 3 months to fully heal because of this. Plenty of oh oh ah ah. There's no way I could have let someone use my arm to pull themselves up with. Pain tolerance is not a competition.

Tawnyowl2 · 25/09/2022 20:47

You have my sympathy BUT I fractured my foot a few weeks ago and it was still very uncomfortable after six weeks, i was told it had not healed at that stage and also told to keep weight bearing and contact to a minimum for six more weeks. When it was xrayed at 12 weeks told it was healing well by then but I still needed to take it easy for several more weeks. I also have a friend with a broken arm who (after six weeks) had just been told it isn’t healing. What medical advice has he been given about healing and lifting? Have you asked him? Maybe he’s been in pain the last few weeks but not made a fuss. Breaks don’t miraculously heal after six weeks, especially if you are older.

Missingpop · 25/09/2022 20:57

Please don’t let him get away with this type of behaviour, it’s actually quite shameful I’m sorry but if it was I’d have to have it out with the fucking self centred twat; he’s been fine for a few weeks but suddenly he’s relapsed god I’d rip every shade of shit out of him!! ( ok not literally just verbally, I’m a patient person until someone takes the piss ) You’ve had major surgery!! You’ve had parts removed & the fucking idiot is claiming he’s in pain god get my boots a kick in the Crown Jewels would wake the selfish wanker up; he’s a completely self absorbed idiot. If nothing changes I’d question do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this tool?