Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

Can working dads have it all?

possible to hold down a good career and have young children?

Yes. Obviously

Sounds like you just dont like your job much.

It's possible, but it's not easy. You need a supportive partner who does 50% at home and great childcare, do you have both of those?

YANBU but I don’t have any answers! In a similar position - large company in a senior role (which I’ve been promoted to since coming back from mat leave in 2021) but I’m struggling with it and feel like I’m floundering all of the time. I would love to have a job that I could put down at the end of the day/shift and just go home. I earn a good salary and couldn’t give that up, though.

There are still high salaries on offer for jobs that can be shut down and ignored after 5pm. Tech is certainly one of those. I've been involved with Tech Returners for some time and we often work with moving women from high intensity roles with excessive hours into development, analysis and QA roles for more money and more manageable hours.

The other option is to stick to what you do but be ruthless about timeboxing it off to only what's necessary and not thinking about it outside of work. I've known successful people of both sexes like this. They are not looked down upon for preserving their time - often it's admired. But if your workplace can't support that that's more on them than on you.

You absolutely can have it all with a job that accepts you're done at 5pm (ish) and aren't going to flog yourself to death, nor would they want you to. Modern places now have cultures where overwork and too-long hours is seen as poor performance, worthy of concern, not praise. A fresh role in somewhere with a better respect for its staff might work.

Nobody can "have it all". There are things you gain and things you lose in every situation.

YANBU.

I work three days a week and I couldn’t imagine going full time because I would miss the time with my children too much.

After my first child I went back to work full time and I hated it, so after my second I reduced to part time and have been part time ever since.

Its a day off today and I’m just sitting at home looking forward to being able to pick the children up from school, chat about their day, take them to the park and then go and play some games at home before dinner.

In my job I could easily increase my hours to work full time, and the money would be amazing, but I really don’t think I could do it because I would miss my children too much.

I know I’m fortunate enough to to be in a position where I can make that choice, but I wouldn’t be able to sacrifice my time with the children just so I could earn some more money.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel?

Honestly. No one can have it all. You're always going to have to make sacrifices and compromises and feel the guilt and that's not just in the case of parents.

It's about finding the right balance and the right job for you. What do you WANT to do?

Personally, I've tried to find the right balance many times and failed at each attempt. I'm still trying to work it out. Everything I've done has had a consequence or downside and not worked. So now I'm putting a lot of careful thought into what it is that will work and what I want before I try again.

Does your DP think it's possible for men to "have it all"?

I work 4 days a week over 5. I'm paid well for the nature of my work. I have 2 kids and have flexibility over my start and finish times so can do school runs and handle illness etc (TBF my DH and I actually share this stuff anyway). As long as my work is done I'm trusted to get on with it. I'm permanently WFH.

Honestly, I'm very happy and feel like I have everything I need.

Having said that, I appreciate this is very much the exception and finding an employer like that is not easy!

@EmptyHouse0822

I dont know if you said it, but could you sacrifice time with your children?

🤣

If your partner doesn't do as much as you at home then that's what you need to tackle.

If he does and also holds down a full time senior job then maybe ask him for some tips?

Your SIL response sounds very old fashioned.

This, exactly.

@MaverickSnoopy

Feel guilt about what?

What range is your salary in?

Neither Mom's or Dad's can have it all, if ALL means
Good full time job that pays well
Lots of valuable time with the kids
Healthy balance of free time for hobbies etc
Regular sex
A clean and tidy home

You have to pick what matters, now and in the next years.

Maybe it's the company. Maybe it's you. There's an option to have a good balance.

I think it's normal to care less. I certainly did until the kids were about 5.

I think it depends on the nature of the work. Some jobs/careers require long days and aren't 9-5, others are.

Young kids are temporary so just get through these years and you'll have more time to focus on your career when they're a bit older.

I don't think anyone can do everything all at once.

Thanks everyone for your responses. My DH is very hands on, he's a teacher so he works less hours but he gets DD ready in the morning (she's usually asleep before I'm gone) and gets her sorted in the evenings before I'm home, he sorts dinner out for us all so he really couldn't do any more than he's doing. I just feel guilty that I don't see enough of DD during the week then at weekends I only want to be with her and then end up never socialising etc any more which isn't healthy either. Sometimes feels like everyone else has it figured out and makes it look easy!

It seems your job satisfaction is the issue not being a parent

i agree everything is about compromise and it helps if you have a decent partner

but what is ‘it all’? I have a job I love and due to flexibility I fit parenting around it ( teenagers and single parent) I’ll never earn millions or win awards but it’s rewarding hard work that makes me feel like I make small differences for the better

it can be frantic and stressful in which case the house may look like a bombs dropped, no one has clean pants and we get take out! But I can also work on the admin stuff watching shite TV with wine in the evening if I have family stuff to fit in

I think it depends on your definition of all

Noone can have it all, at least not all at once!

In my opinion if you have a senior role then just getting daytime care isn’t enough, you also need a supportive partner, additional family help and domestic help. If you don’t have those things it’s flipping hard.

There is no mention of the Dc father in your OP. Are you a single parent in an intensive role or do you just have a partner who thinks his job is more important and leaves all the kids stuff to you even though you work too?

@Unicornhat you can have it all - but maybe not at the same time. Life with small kids is hard even if you work part time. So it's ok that it feels like a struggle. Once they get older and more independent, the nature of the struggle changes but it is less physically demanding I would say

@SleepingStandingUp

Speak for yourself.

I have all that