Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

I’ve moved internally (work for a huge company) to a much quieter role. It was a sideways move, so same level and pay. The new role doesn’t involve people management, only in the office rarely (wfh mostly) and I get a couple of v v quiet days a week where I can stay logged in but clean the bathroom, hover, mop and change the beds. Usually do 1-2 loads of laundry a day when I’m wfh. Leaves the weekends free for family things and also saves me paying for a cleaner.

money is the same but yes I’m not getting the same
exposure/experience as I did in my old super hectic job, but I’m ok with that for a couple of years.

might be an option for you.

I manage to work full time and see plenty of my children, thank you. As does my DH.

It’s weird that working men can have it all, no questions asked, and it’s always mums who have to give something up

there is still vast inequality between the sexes in our society!

hope you and your partner can figure out best way together as a team

Sounds like you have mum guilt. Your doing what most blokes have been doing for years. Your DC has two parents and one they see a little more. They are not being neglected and have two working parents.

I have maintained my career and have 4 DC. We used childcare and both DH and I had busy jobs. We just ensure we did activities at the weekends. My DC did a wide range of clubs and loved being busy. We also have good memories of making the most of our time off, lots of activities together at christmas, easter etc

Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut.

Frankly that is probably much of the source of frustration right there. Your job doesn't value you enough to provide you the resources you need to get it done within appropriate work conditions!

Nobody can have it all.

SimonaRazowska totally agree

Dunno. I have "it all" in that I work 3 days a week, so have time with DS, a relatively clean house and a job, but I had to take a significant paycut.

I’m in a senior education position so I miss a lot of own childrens’ school stuff and almost never drop them off or pick them up. I hate that.

But I work term time only so I get 14 weeks a year at home with them rather than the usual 5/6 weeks.

I definitely don’t have it all but I’ve adjusted what ‘having it all’ looks like for me.

But working men don't have it all. They usually miss huge amounts of time with their kids in comparison to a SAHP in order to earn. But because they're men, no one considers it a "sacrifice"

@SleepingStandingUp

Why is a sahp the benchmark we're measuring against?

That's certainly not having it all.

@SimonaRazowska I’m quite confident that the majority of women don’t want equality if it means them working full time.

The UK would be a much nicer place to work and many relationships would be happier if more women encouraged men to step up and share the child/house burden while they took on their fair share of earning the household money.

I manage to work full time and see plenty of my children, thank you. As does my DH. define "plenty". If you all get up by 7 and leave at 8 and get in at 5. 30 and the kids go to bed at 9 (so teens rather than littlies) then 4.5 hours is pretty good fro a working day. If they're dropped to childcare at 8 and collected at 6 and in bed by 7.30 that's 2.5 hours a day which isn't plenty.

@SleepingStandingUp

you

Define plenty

Its you who is insisting its not possible

This thread is about working women with small children, but all women whether mums or childfree would like a happy work/life balance, it's not a privilege just for mums.

I've worked full time since 16, I'm now in a senior role. My hours are long, although I'm not always busy I have to be here. I would love to have more social time but can't realistically justify giving up the money to socialise.

Unsure what being a SAHP has to do with it, I agree that's not having it all either given the top of my "all" list included having a job 🙄
My point is if you're working FULL TIME like you and DH you're either doing it from home so seeing the kids but I'd argue about whether you're giving your all to either , or you're out the house for hours so aren't seeing your kids tons in the week.
You're assuming that's an insult, but it's not, it's just life. But it also isn't having it all based on the list you said you fulfil (pls enough good sleep)

@SleepingStandingUp I did say earlier.

I get up with them and sort them in the morning and take them to school. Breakfast club, ahhh the horror. DH starts work at 7.30 and finishes to pick them up from school. No after school club, they’d love to go but it’s expensive!

I pick them up a couple of days a week too, depending on my work. Between us we juggle their activities in the evening. They do activities most nights, guides, rainbows, swimming, gymnastics, hockey etc… Not because we force them, because they want to. We can work on the side at activities.

We eat dinner together when we can, not because of our work but their activities. We have Friday nights free for a family film night and spend the weekends together.

I think that’s more than enough. We’re lucky because our jobs allow us but honestly, if we don’t push for male and female work flexibility then it isn’t achievable for everyone and I get that.

@SleepingStandingUp

But I do see plenty of my kids.

Its not for you to decide that I dont based on the notion of working 40 hours a week.

I'm not assuming it's an insult. I'm assuming I know more about how much I see my kids than you do.

It's possible but not easy. It took me 15 years after becoming a mother of trying out different jobs, working for myself, taking a career break to do a different line of work, even, to find something full time and senior but not stupidly demanding of time or energy and a job that wasn't going to make me ill, basically.

to be honest, we’re all different and one persons having it all is another’s nightmare scenario. I think I have it all. I have a demanding well paid full time job which I love, DH also works full time. We all have breakfast and get ready together in the morning and we have 1.5 to 2 hours together in the evenings where we have dinner, play some games and do DS bed time routine. We have a cleaner so at the weekends we’re able to prioritize our time together, either just the three of us or with friends and family. I personally don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, but others might feel that it wouldn’t be enough time with DS.🤷‍♀️

Well because in my opinion it isn't.

I'd say plenty is a couple of hours before school and at least 4 after so 6 hours a day for school aged. DH sees them for an hour max before school and a couple after so half of that. He doesn't work outside of those hours so no evenings or weekends and the time we do have we try to balance prioritising family time with free time but he probably doesn't get enough of the latter. I don't work, so don't have a good well paid job and I def don't get enough sleep so def don't have it al either.

My friends in decent jobs have all compromised on the hours - term time only or condensed into 4 days. Former gets more time with kids but isn't full time so wages affected, and the latter doesn't see much of the kids in the week. I wouldn't say they "have it ALL"

A friend sees clients in the

There's always compromises.
Sometimes you have to pick what's important and accept its not going to be 100% perfect all of the time.
Does your partner do 50%?
Including the headspace stuff? Like does he remember the football kit needs washing and packing in time for the match, or organise the kids parties etc.
Equality is key but hard to achieve and i think there is a genetic predisposition for mums to want to be with their kids , see their first ever steps, go to all school plays etc My DH wasn't as bothered about this stuff and had no guilt about not going to sports day because of a big meeting whilst I would beat myself up and be really upset I wasn't there.
If you earn well then outsource as much as you can, cleaning, gardening, ironing etc. Split everything 50/50 with DH, make it as easy as you can.
Can you work flexible hours, WFH etc?
Financial independence is not something to give up lightly but there might be some flexibility or other roles you could do for similar money. But it is hard, no one can really have it all, just make sure you aren't the only parent making the sacrifices.

back garden so plenty of time for kids as she pops in and out, but she's far from full time.

I don't know anyone who works full time, sees their kids for hours EVERY day, and gets adequate sleep. 10 hours of work with commute, 6 hours of kids, 8 hours of sleep should work but it doesn't leave much space for hobbies, family, socialising or time awake away from the kids.

@SleepingStandingUp

You know your husband would be able to see more of the kids if you also worked and took on some of the financial burden so he didn’t have to work as long hours right?

Why is that ok for Dads and not Mums?

Also, do your kids not have hobbies outside of school? There isn’t 4 hours to spend with mine in an evening before bed as they’re out for a big chunk of it having fun with me on the sidelines. I wouldn’t class watching a 6 year old do a gymnastics lesson as really spending time with them.

@Unicornhat could you drop one day and work longer in your others so it frees up a, day, or drop hours to start late and finish early across two days so yo u can do one drop off and one pick up a week?