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Original poster

Working mothers can't have it all?

597 replies

Unicornhat · 21/09/2022 12:27

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 15:51

Topgub · 21/09/2022 15:48

@Thereisnolight

I haven't said what my job is like

🤷‍♀️

You cant extrapolate from 1 job to another.

Or 1 person to another

Its 1 thing to say you don't think you personally can have it all.

Another to say no one can.

In my extremely physically, mentally and intellectually demanding, senior role, I can.

I feel that person’s definition of demanding may not match another’s (just as there are different versions of “full time” on this thread).

Until you’re less mysterious about what your job is, who can tell.

Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 15:51

That one person’s

Thereisnolight · 21/09/2022 15:53

@Topgub
And no-one is saying that no-one can have it all.

But you’re saying that everyone can have it all. Based on your own experience, which probably doesn’t match many women’s.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 15:55

@Thereisnolight

Pretty much every second post on this thread is saying no one can have it all.

Some careers will mean more hours at work, less at home.

I'm not convinced that means you can't have it all.

I think when women say you can't have it all they mean you shouldn't want it all.

You shouldn't be willing to give up any time with your children

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 21/09/2022 15:58

And "all" seems to be related to stereotypical female priorities. Not just spending - apparently - 24/7 but also "making" your home. Whatever that is. Working part time so you can clean the loo. That is not my definition of "it all" in the slightest. I'd rather work extra hours and pay a cleaner to do it.

youarntaguest · 21/09/2022 16:00

If your children are under four and you go to work outside the home then you have to leave your children. Precious time you will never get back so no I don't think you can have it all

Topgub · 21/09/2022 16:08

@youarntaguest

Do you never leave yours?

Are you intending on homeschooling?

Captinplanit · 21/09/2022 16:12

@youarntaguest

You can homeschool when they get to 4. Nothing making you leave them then.

C152 · 21/09/2022 16:12

No, it's not possible to have it all, all at the same time.

Although I guess it depends on your definition of 'having it all' is. If it's having a great full-time job, low stress/responsibility, high salary and being able to spend quality time with your family and not farm your children out to others to care for then no, it is not possible.

If you have the choice, no, don't give up your senior role. The longer you spend out of work/in a lower paid and lower level job, the harder it is to get back in.

Captinplanit · 21/09/2022 16:30

Most people spend far too long at work. Long hours does not equal productivity and there is a huge presenteeism culture in many many workplaces.

The only way to shift this is for people to kick back and demand flexible/family friendly working patterns. Entirely possible in all jobs. Im not saying every parent should be able to do every school run and I don’t agree that you can work while looking after small children, but there should be flex. Between 2 parents (appreciate it’s different when there isn’t 2) it should be a feasible option for both to work the same amount of hours (not necessarily full time) and use minimal childcare. Be that home working, set shifts, split shifts. We need to force employers to make this change. Anyone regularly working 80 hour weeks is on the path to an early grave and that too needs to be challenged.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 16:33

SimonaRazowska · 21/09/2022 13:49

It’s weird that working men can have it all, no questions asked, and it’s always mums who have to give something up

there is still vast inequality between the sexes in our society!

hope you and your partner can figure out best way together as a team

I don't think my husband thinks he has it all! He is very much aware that he doesn't get to spend as much time with our children as I do and in and ideal world, one where he 'has it all', he would choose to work part time but keep his carer as it is. Unfortunately we all have a make sacrifices. I guess you are lucky if you don't feel like you are making any sacrifices.

hassletassle · 21/09/2022 16:39

I don't know what the answer is, but I definitely felt I couldn't have it all. I used to run my own business in an industry where you couldn't really work part time, and it was all consuming. Now I work 16 hrs a week as a finance officer for a charity. Mostly from home and within school / pre-school hours. My children are 3 and 4....

We don't have any grandparent help and we live rurally so wraparound isn't really available ... and I just felt like something had to give. And before anyone starts, yes - my husband pulls his weight.

I honestly couldn't have coped doing all those hours and having that much stress along with two small kids. We have a bit less money now but manage fine.

Delatron · 21/09/2022 16:39

I think very few have the set up described on here - a very flexible yet senior, well paying job. That allows you to pick up from school and be around for all the assemblies and sports days. That allows you to help with homework/be present after school and not working? Now if you have a DH at home or there to do 50:50 of the household shit and you enjoy your job you may get close. Do you have time to exercise? Do you have the energy to socialise?

I definitely fell in to the camp of full time = never seeing your children. I’d fling them through the door of nursery at 8am on the dot then pay a childminder to pick them up. I’d arrive home at 7.30 when they were in bed. So there are jobs out there that demand those hours unfortunately.

I now work part time and I’m happier. I don’t have it all as I don’t have the glittering career. But I earn a decent amount, work the hours I choose, I’m not stressed, I enjoy my job. I run 5 times a week and have never been fitter. I definitely couldn’t do that working full time. Health is so important. So if full time
plus house/kids means not much exercise or free time then for me that’s not having it all…

Topgub · 21/09/2022 16:40

@3WildOnes

Why can't he reduce his hours?

Discovereads · 21/09/2022 16:41

Depends how you define “all”
Too often the “you can’t have it all” gets trotted out to silence women with perfectly reasonable expectations….imho.

Yes you can have a demanding career in a senior position AND be a good mother to babies/young children/older children/teens. In that sense, you can have both.

There is a balance you need to find, and it’s different for everyone. One woman’s “all” is another woman’s “next to nothing”.

No one has it figured out, we are all making it up as we go along.
No one has said raising a family would be easy. It’s hard but rewarding. The fact it is hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. In fact, it probably means you’re doing it right.

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 16:45

I definitely can't have it all. For me personally having it all would be having at least two full days on top of weekends at home with my pre schoolers, being there for my children when they get back from school, going out with just my husband once a week, going out with my husband and friends once a week, meeting up with just my friends once a week an finally having a fantastic career that pays well. It just isnt possible. I sacrificed the career and focus on having lots of time with my children, my husband, my friends and my wider family.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 16:50

In order for women not to sacrifice any time with their children, they have to rely on someone else to pay for them to do that.

Usually their male oh, who they are perfectly happy is willing to sacrifice his time with his children

dottiedodah · 21/09/2022 16:53

I think if you feel compromised, then that's how you feel.no one else can really feel the same as you.many people will struggle with a responsible job and young dc .maybe have a look if there are any less stressful posts you may be able to do.young children are very quick at growing up and a better balance may be needed

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 17:05

Topgub · 21/09/2022 16:40

@3WildOnes

Why can't he reduce his hours?

Partly because he earns significantly more than I do.
Mainly because we have different priorities. I prioritise spending time with our children and friends and scarafice having a big career. He sacrifices having as much time with our children to have the big career. We have both made sacrifices.
Since Covid my husband is able to spend a lot more time with our children than he did previously. He is there most days after school, he takes them to school/nursery on the days that I am working. He is by no means an absent father.

Dailymash · 21/09/2022 17:06

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread so someone else might have offered similar advice.

Being a full time working mother is absolutely exhausting. There’s no magic formula that you’re missing, those parents you think are managing to spin all of the plates are probably just as harassed and frazzled as you are.

You never feel like you are doing everything to the best of your ability: drop your child off at whatever childcare arrangements you have, rush off to work, do your job, rush through stuff so you can finish on time every day to collect child from wherever they are, spend an hour or so with them before they go to bed. And repeat. I will add that I also have a hobby that I do make sure I do, it keeps me sane and in half decent shape.

I had a conversation at the weekend with a family member who has grown up children who are both in professional jobs (I’m not) I was taken aback when they said how well I do juggling everything. It really meant a lot and made me think maybe I am doing enough to keep everything going.

I will add that while I do work full time, it’s not a pressured role nor is it highly paid. But on the whole I have a guarantee that I finish on time which means I have more time for my child. I’ve never had a high paid role so it’s not like me changing jobs would be a massive financial issue.

I agree with previous comments re: men having it all (or not) He doesn’t have half of the battle with school or nursery runs and fitting them in around work as it’s generally seen as ‘my’ job what with me having a uterus and all.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 17:13

@3WildOnes

Well thats different to 'he would choose to work part time'

Obviously he wouldn't

3WildOnes · 21/09/2022 17:24

Topgub · 21/09/2022 17:13

@3WildOnes

Well thats different to 'he would choose to work part time'

Obviously he wouldn't

How is it different? I said he would choose to work part time 'if he could have it all' which he can't because no one can! That is my point. He would love to work part time and have the big career (and salary). Just like I would. We just chose different sacrifices.
My husband is one of the luck few who can work flexibly and almost exclusively from home. He can stop work to pick up our children and then resume again later. He also gets paid well. He still doesn't feel like he 'has it all'.
My job just isn't as flexible. If I worked full time then I would be leaving the house at 8 and returning around 7. My kids would get an hour of me a day in the week if they were lucky.

Theprimeofmissmulroney · 21/09/2022 17:28

Depends what you mean by having it all. I have a well-paying career, husband, child and a reasonable life style from both working full time. In some ways I feel like I have it all.

LetMeSpeak · 21/09/2022 17:29

If you give up your career you will regret. You need to start thinking about the long term instead of the present.

Topgub · 21/09/2022 17:42

@3WildOnes

Having it all doesn't mean not working or working very part time and still having a full time career.

Thats nuts.