Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

But pilots, teachers and nurses can’t look after their DC while working. Nor can police officers or lab scientists or anyone who travels for work.

Then there are lawyers, surgeons, government ministers, army officers, larger business owners and many others for whom “full-time” is well in excess of 40 hours if they are to do the job properly.

I'm having this dilemma myself. I find it more difficult as the kids (currently both primary age) have gotten older and more involved in after-school clubs/hobbies/playdates, etc. There is just so much to remember!! I work FT in a job that I do enjoy, but feel as though I don't have the headspace to do properly. DH works away 10 days a fortnight so isn't around much to help. I just about manage, but something has to give. At the moment that is me - I've sacrificed my own interests and free time for the sake of my family. That's not sustainable long-term so I need to work something out - but I don't have the answer!

@gwenneh your boss sounds great. We're you working 40 hours in both scenarios? Just curious on you leaving a similar time to the kids and having 4 hours after work to spend with the kids which would suggest something like 9-4 at most. Which isn't full time. Apologies if my maths is off.

If you are actually working 30-35 hours in order to do pick up five days then that would be like what I mention above as in enough. Enough is what we should be aiming for.

@Thereisnolight

Then they are working in excess of full time hours which are generally accepted to be around 40 hours per week.

My job is similar. I am almost full time (will pick up the missing few hours soon), but WFH and have flexibility in how I manage my time (within reason). This means I can attend school events, do lots of pick ups and faciliate my DC's social lives. This is a benefit I have because (1) I work for a company that has a sensible approach to flexibility, work life balance and presenteeism and (2) because I am senior enough to work with a good degree of autonomy. That doesn't mean there aren't some weeks where these things don't work out, but most of the time it does.

I am a relatively senior commercial lawyer, I can tell you my job definitely requires high level of concentration. Yet I still manage. Funny huh.

But your problem is you don't like/aren't interested in your job, not that you can't have a career and kids.

Of course going PT or stepping back is going to earn you less money. So you either accept that and do it, suck up your current career job, or find a new career job that you like better. The middle one is probably the worse solution.

Welcome to the world of the many women who have a highly competitive career that they will lose if they don’t put in the hours.

Hence these threads about being caught between their DC and their career.

But can you possibly understand that many jobs are not flexible and/or can’t be done from home?

So you leave at 3.45 to be home for 4 having collected the kids in your lunch break (say 30 minutes) so you're in at 7.15 every morning but see the kids for breakfast even though they're only up an hour before leaving? And their not going to bed until 8-10 pm. I'd qn the adequate sleep at least and the child free time.

Well, yes, of course I can understand that. I am not stupid. It seems to be you who can't fathom that this scenario can't exist, at least not without suggesting people who say they have it aren't doing their job properly/ not really working full time/ not concentrating. Which is ridiculous and, frankly, lacking imagination.

I am not suggesting it's possible for everyone or every job. Just that it is possible. And I didn't end up in this situation randomly.

@SleepingStandingUp you are very concerned about the actual hours spent with the children. I don't believe you've answered what is adequate time with them?

My kids are often up before 6, so we easily have 2.5 hours a day in before the work day even starts.

@Thereisnolight

Yet many still make it work.

As a society we should be pushing back against the idea that successful is only possible if you work yourself to death.

Starting with women stopping enabling men to do it.

I struggled to have it all.
if I gave the job 100% in at 6am home at 9pm I felt I was abandoning my family. Finished sharp 5 and in at 8 I felt I wasn't fulfilling my role.
I worked in project management so leaving on time wasn't an option during certain phases and it was work until finished. The higher the salary the more stress/hours involved.

She's an amazing boss - I would never have even DREAMT of asking to bring my DC to the office but when wraparound care was proving too much for one of my DC, she suggested the late lunch pickup (the school is around the corner) and having them in the office to do homework and snack before going home. I'm very grateful she's willing and able to be creative with child care solutions because that really, really made a difference as to whether I came back from maternity leave (which was due to end the first day of covid lockdown) at all. And it's been a lot less stressful than it could have been over the past two years, knowing she would be flexible while we strung together pandemic child care arrangements, dealt with school closures, etc.

My day starts considerably earlier than 9 though! I'm usually in the office by 7 or 7:30, depending on whether we are all leaving at exactly the same time or whether I leave slightly ahead of DH. School hours are much earlier this year; my older DS is involved in a school activity which starts at 7:15 too, so we're quite early risers. We tried other routines, but that hour or so in the mornings before my colleagues get in

I no longer pick the DC up after school - covid changed that. DH now does the afternoon school run because he works from home full time, and they're old enough to get their own snack & supervise their own homework (or wait until I get in!)

Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.

What’s that assumption based on? Many women and men who have young children take a bit of a step back and pick up more intense work again when the kids are at school. The experience you already have doesn’t vanish into thin air, it stays on your CV.

The full timet nurses I know work 12+ shifts so between respective bed times have very little contact some days with their kids. Which is fine, it's enough, but it's a compromise.

@SleepingStandingUp

Yes.

They work 12 hour shifts but over 3 days /nights usually

Meaning lots more time to spend with the kids.

It honestly feels like you won't accept anything accept 24/7 with the kids as enough.

The other thing of course is that my kids are out of the house a good chunk of the day. They have 6 hours of school and most days an hour's activity. So the time I am "missing" with them is about an hour vs a parent who is not working. Obviously that is because I can work from home, but it's not really a huge difference. Even the DC of SAHPs go to school (home educated not) so the missing out on hours and hours of quality time is a bit of a falsehood.

What if they don’t want to work those hours while the children are at school? What if they’d like to collect the DC and help with homework at least a couple of days a week?

I have it all. I don't have to work. But can earn a bit from home. Able to be there for my child all the time, but have family who have her who she loves whenever I want.

That's it all to me. If it's different for you you need to work at that, but remember you cannot be in two places at once. I think this is what most people want. You can't work full time and be a homemaker full time. Maybe you only want to do one, lovely. But you certainly cannot do both.

It's certainly different for me. I do not want to be a "homemaker" full time. I do not want to be a "homemaker" at all. Your "all" is definitely not mine.

Exactly, and I hate working and don't want to have to work.

@macthekwife

I dont need to be in 2 places at once.

I'm perfectly capable of doing a good job at both, separately

@Topgub
A lot depends on how difficult or time-consuming your job is. Some are compatible with sticking to a maximum working week and switching off when you get home. Some are flexible and/or can WFH.

Others…no. Longer hours, more competitive, more travel, more physically or mentally or intellectually demanding.

You can’t extrapolate from your own experience and assume everyone’s situation is similar. A pp (project manager) has explained why she has to choose between working the full time hours required by her job or seeing more than a little of her DC. Her situation doesn’t sound at all like yours.

@Thereisnolight

I haven't said what my job is like

🤷‍♀️

You cant extrapolate from 1 job to another.

Or 1 person to another

Its 1 thing to say you don't think you personally can have it all.

Another to say no one can.

In my extremely physically, mentally and intellectually demanding, senior role, I can.