Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

I think it benefits most women to work to some degree

🙄🙄🙄

Can you ever imagine someone saying ‘I think it benefits most men to work to some degree’

Thank god for Bluey is all I can say

With the subtext of "as far as they haven't managed to bag a really weathly man"

Threads like this make me think that women's biggest barrier to equality is other women.... The men can just sit back and enjoy not having to ever worry about childcare.

@TheHoover maybe I worded it poorly- I think it benefits most women to work and same of course applies to men.

It's more often though women who don't work full time and given the amount of men who don't fully appreciate how much work kids and a home are or think it's down to the woman, that's not suprising. I appreciate some men are amazing and do their share but judging by posts on here it's not the majority

How do you love your kids differently?

Are you asking me personally or my opinion in the general term?

I'm really not sure people do think its ok if mums feel differently
So you think all mums must be and feel the same, that's insane, of course it's ok for one mother to feel differently from another.
We are all different with different needs and drives

Our DS still hasn't stayed out anywhere overnight and he's started school last year, it's ok to feel like that and of course it ok if some mums feel different. That's the beauty of us all being different

The above was my statement. Of course it's for mums to feel differently about this shit. We are after all all individuals

@Thinkbiglittleone

Your opinion in general on how people can love their children differently. Since you think its a thing.

No, I didn't say I think all mums should feel the same.

I said I don't think other people (society in general) think its ok if mums express anything other than absolute adoration and over the top love for their children.

Look how harshly working mums are judged. Or mums who are the non resident parent.

The I love them soooooo much I couldn't bare to leave them even for a second is the accepted ideal.

There's even been comments on this thread saying women who don't feel like that are in denial or lying.

Ahhh I hadn't noticed it was @Topgub I will answer these questions but then leave it there. I find you goady and you constantly keep threads like these going with negativity by misquoting people, purposefully misunderstanding people to be goady and always taking the thread off the point.

Your opinion in general on how people can love their children differently. Since you think its a thing
People can love people in all different kinds of ways. It's not more or less it's just different. One can be more protective, one can have more of a need to be with the child, one can be more nurturing. It's all love but just displayed in different ways.

No, I didn't say I think all mums should feel the same
You said:-
I'm really not sure people do think its ok if mums feel differently
Of course it's ok for mums to feel differently. Your statement is silly.

I said I don't think other people (society in general) think its ok if mums express anything other than absolute adoration and over the top love for their children
I have just reposted the quote you said it wasn't that.
I'm not sure who you mix with in society. Not one person I know thinks this way nor have a seen many on here or on SM that agree with that.
They say they have felt that way, which is fine, I haven't seen them say they expect others to feel that way.

Look how harshly working mums are judged
Again, I'm not sure they are. No one I know even cares if a woman works or not. On here its pointed out that a lot of working parents on here can't be in 2 places at once, not that's it better for every child to be with its parent, just that fact.

Or mums who are the non resident parent.

The I love them soooooo much I couldn't bare to leave them even for a second is the accepted ideal
Of course it's an acceptable and valid feeling if that's how the woman feels, I haven't seen anyone say every other woman should feel like that.

There's even been comments on this thread saying women who don't feel like that are in denial or lying
Yes but some people on here are all kinds of crazy in their views on mothers not working or mothers working. If it doesn't match theirs then they are wrong, it's boring and spoils a good discussion.
The sooner women stop trying to pull each-other down for their choices the better. Move on, do you and stop pulling other women down.

@Thinkbiglittleone

Youve quoted me saying what I said I said, saying I didn't say that?

Weird.

Your denial of the judgement wm face says it all really.

But I'll not goad you any further

There are some very strange ideas about how children have been brought up through history on here.

Babies hung on a peg to keep them off the floor and out of the Mum's way whilst she cleans, preps food and cooks (all with far more labour involved than we have now?). Toddlers left to roam free with older children looking out for them. Female relatives taking care of a group of children so other women can work.
Yes, a very few, very wealthy families, kept their children segregated with staff to look after them. It's only far more recently it's come down to one Mum looking after her child(ren) basically on her own whilst the Dad works.

Nowhere in all this are parents spending hours of time with their own children!

I feel like paying for childcare enabled us to buy into the 'village' of support used by women in the past, except the people doing it want to work with children (instead of having no option), are supervised, provide care to a certain standard, have first aid qualifications etc.

The nursery we used was technically open for 11.5 hours a day - 7am-6.30pm. I don't know anyone who actually used it for 11.5 hours a day. Some tended to drop off early and head into work but picked up earlier (often tagteamed with the other parent), others dropped off later. Mine did approx 8am -6pm. She had all of her meals there on those days because that means, instead of having to scurry around and get meals either side of the working day, you have the space to enjoy time together - reading a book together in the morning because you're not dashing around sorting out breakfast and then clearing up, coming home to play, read some more together before doing bedtime.

Many definitions of 'have it all' on here but what strikes me is the narrative of being busy, successful, well paid and also having children.
It's really not what I aspire to. Of course I want to be recognised for good work and paid accordingly. But I do not want to be busy and outsource things like cleaning and childcare. When people say they run their houses like a military operation, nothing sounds further from what I want, from 'having it all'.
Ideally I want a family life where one or both parents are present more for the children. I want to work to live, not the other way around. I want calm and time.
I realise that other people want different things.

I agree. You see it quite often - ‘I have it all but it’s a bit stressful sometimes’. Well being stressed and really busy isn’t having it all to me. For example - if I worked full time I’d have to outsource many more things that I actually enjoy - like walking the dog. Or I’d have to get up at 5am to do to it which would mean I’d be knackered. I get to run outdoors in the countryside 5 times a week which is wonderful for my mental health. I couldn’t do that with a full time job unless again I got up at 5 am and ran in the dark which wouldn’t be the same. Something does have to give therefore that’s not having it all. There are not enough hours in the day. You may be happy with your choices and pleased with your career and doing well but there are sacrifices.

You can definitely hold down a full time job and have young children - nobody is saying it’s impossible. But none of the descriptions of that lifestyle on here are ‘having it all’ in my eyes.

So much of it depends on the type of job you do and your working patterns though....

I only outsource cleaning now and DS goes to wrap around care three times a week but he's going there out of choice because he absolutely loves it.

We both work full time but I can wfh at least three days a week which means I can go for a run at some point in the day, We get to pick up directly from school twice a week and I'm yet to miss an assembly or school event. I wfh pretty much permanently throughout school holidays.

Yes, life is busy but I like it like that and flexible working and very generous annual leave means I get down time when I need it.

@Delatron

Its a shame you don't think you could ever have it all but tbh your comments just remind me of all the ridiculous ideals that women are sold.

The idea that a perfect easy life, with lots of money, looking perfect at all times, perfect relationships, a good job that is a breeze and perfectly behave gorgeous children that aren't ever hard work

Its utter bullshit and if that's what you're aiming for then you're doomed to failure

Its always better to be realistic

But this is exactly the point of those saying you can't have it all. Having all those "perfect" things with no compromise and no stress etc is what most people consider "having it all" to mean and thats what people think is impossible.

Having a great life where you're largely happy with the compromises, where you're largely happy with the domestic split, where the kids are mostly great, where the stress is occasional not endemic is having enough (imo) and hwat we should aim for because its what many people have

@Topgub As we’ve said it depends on what your definition of having it all is and whether that is what you aspire to in life. What is important to you. For some people; balance, less stress, more time and their health are the most important things. But I do think something does always have to give. You can’t have everything because there aren’t enough hours in the day.

But you can be happy with your lot. And you can prioritise your career with the right flexible job and lots of help - if that’s what you want. But it isn’t easy to tick all those boxes and that’s my point. Not all women work in flexible jobs, or can demand flexible hours, or work from home, or pop out for a jog at lunch, or have grandparents round the corner. Some women can and that’s brilliant.

@SleepingStandingUp

And as I've just said those saying you cant have it all because you can't have perfection are wrong.

And are just feeding the sexist bullshit.

Exactly @SleepingStandingUp everyone is going round in circles as we don’t agree on the definition of ‘having it all’.

I also think it’s not a helpful aspiration. You need to be realistic and understand that for everyone there is a compromise and you decide what you are willing to compromise on. The inequality part is because men perhaps have to compromise on less and we need to challenge that.

I went back to work full time when.first was 9 weeks . When number 2 arrived I went part-time. Number 3 was a happy mistake but by then I decided the best thing I could give yhe kids - and me - was my time so I jacked it all in. No regrets. Other than I should have done it earlier .

My having it all….

I would like a bigger house with a bigger garden.
I would like to be higher up the ladder at work without having to increase my hours.
I would like a cleaner.
I would love to be fitter and slimmer.
I would like my chronic health condition to f**k off.
I would like to have more free time to visit friends and family.
I would like lots of spare money left over at the end of the month to be able to enjoy our life rather than just ‘manage’.

That to me would be my ideal, that would be “having it all.”

However, that’s not going to happen and so I will simply be happy with my lot, which as a previous poster said, is what most of us aim for.

The concept of “Having it all” being unattainable is not sexist bullshit as it’s the same for both sexes.

I doubt many men would claim to “have it all” and not want to change anything about their life.

@EmptyHouse0822

Didn't you say your oh thought he had it all?

I doubt most men even think about it.

I said he thought he didn’t have it all.

If I said otherwise it was a typo between did and didn’t. He is happy with his life but wishes he could spend more time with the children on a day to day basis. This is pretty much the same as many working parents though I imagine.

I changed my job when we had children because I knew I wanted to be able to spend more time with my children. We were lucky in that we could make cut backs to make it possible. I don't think you can have it all because I think it's about how you feel. It's not that you can't do the work still it's that you don't want to in the same way because you have a child you want to spend time with.

Opposite here. I was so desperate to get back to work from maternity leave and it made me realise how much I enjoy work! I ended up reading blogs about my work sector during all those interminable breastfeeds.

I'm a much better Mum when I also work - gives me balance, more perspective and parenting is far more enjoyable, which also benefits DD as she gets a happy and relaxed Mum.

I am realistic though - I don't give my all to work 24/7, I don't work ridiculous hours (full-time, yes, but that's a 35 hour week), I have a good balance between work and family life and I'm well aware that throwing everything at work is a bad idea because no one is immune from redundancy etc.