Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

I don't think women can have it all unless they employ a nanny but then you are still loosing time with your child. If you want to carry on your current job I would say stick to one child as it will be much harder with two

I work 3.5 days a week and for me it feels like I have it all. I am able to see more of the kids and keep on top of the house and exercise. Of course if I worked full time I could earn more and progress my career, but it isn't worth it for me while the children are small. My partner works full time and enjoys his job so this works for us. We don't earn much but we manage, and my time and sanity are worth more than any product or holiday I do without.

If your partner is a teacher he could request part time. That's very normal in teaching. It might help the family but of course you would still be full time and miss your children.

Your work/family set up sounds almost identical to mine. My DH does school runs, dinners, etc. I just whizz home to give my child a kiss and a book before bed and then that's it. I do find that I don't socialise much at the weekend because I want to be with my son and husband, but so what. I've realised in life there are 3 things - work, family, socialising. You can't have all 3 but you can focus on two, so I choose work and family and I'll save the socialising for when my son is older.

I have decided however that I definitely won't have another child. I don't have the time! And I'd have to split the precious time I currently have with my child with another child and I don't want to do that.

It wasn't clear.

No one can have it all, I don't and DH doesn't either.

I'm pretty much consciously treading water career wise for the few years they're small. Fortunately, I'm in a position where that's possible.

Everyone has a different bandwidth of how much they can take on.

Everyone needs to compromise with something.

Even those spouting off about 'do men get to have it all?' aren't acknowledging that men do compromise their domestic life for the career/social life/affair. It's just that they are not socially vilified for their choice. That is the actual difference. Men don't get any more than women.

Yes but I'm pretty ruthless about blocking time off in my diary and I do not do work in the evening slot that is eating together and bedtime. Family stuff gets priority. I also feel that's a good example to set as a senior manager?

DH is also a SAHD, which helps .
I did a course called 'productivity ninja' which sounds very cringeworthy but was actually excellent for working intensely but very productively so you make the most of your time.

I think those of us who "have it all" have one of two things - either there's money to spend on outside help, or the bar for "all" is set a bit lower.

On paper and in the context of this post I have "it all." A career, happy DC, loving relationship with DH, hobbies I enjoy, all the socialising I want (read: not much!), and a clean house. The insight into that is that I have 3 DC who inherited DH's easygoing nature, a DH who takes on a very equal share of the domestic work, a flexible working situation, and a cleaner.

I think my bar for "all" is a lot lower and that's why I feel like I can have it.

Yes its possible, but job dependent. I have a senior management role with good salary but i work my hours and that is pretty much it. Sometimes i work extra hours 1 week, but these get banked to take back as TOIL. This means i am always home for late afternoon to spend time with DD before bed

I agree. You can't be 100% in everything.

Exactly so. Everything in motherhood is a compromise or a conflict. Do the best you can for your child (and for you) within the confines of your circumstances. And count your blessings don't dwell too much on what you're letting go.

Ooh I might try that thanks!

Before I had kids I had a senior role and worked long hours. Once I had kids worked from 8-5 and HAD to leave to collect the kids. Still got good performance reviews, pay rises, bonus, promotion opportunities. I was shocked as I had thought I had to work all the hours. I didn't. I was paid to deliver and if I could do this by prioritising properly in the houses I was there.

Sorry this was trying to reply to a different response, I haven't posted here before just getting used to it!

Good full time job that pays well
Lots of valuable time with the kids
Are you working at home with young children? If you're working 40 hours in the day how much time do you get in those days with the kids? If you're working nights around them, I realise I forgot to add decent sleep

Learning to care a bit less about work is one of the many upsides of being a working parent - more balance and perspective. Nobody has it all, all the time especially in the early years.

He's already getting DD and up out, doing pick up and cooking dinner five days a week until OP gets home. I'm not the cleaning and tidying for three people out the house all those days really requires him to go to part time

Your job doesn’t sound very flexible. It is totally possible with good organisation and flexible employers.

DH and I both work full time with no outside help but we have flexible roles which allow us to cover school runs between us (it gets much more complicated when they’re in school!) and make up time elsewhere. Usually DH works (from home) from 7.30-3 and picks up and I drop off and work from 9 until whenever I’m finished teaching/supervising but we switch it round for meetings/teaching (I’m an academic and he’s IT) and if I’m free I’ll pick up, I manage 1-2 a week. We both do the odd hour in the evening but mainly emails. Our evenings are spent taking DC to activities! With that, weekends and holidays I feel like we have enough family time. My kids are outgoing and sociable and love being around people.

The most important aspect of our life is that DH and I are 50-50 on EVERYTHING. Too many women are guilted into most/all housework etc… From their own guilt as much as pressure from DH. There’s no need to be superwoman. My house is usually a bit messy but I’ve learned to accept it.

The worst part about being a woman working FT IME is all of the other women (already had some on here) who work or work part time saying things like ‘you’ll never get this time back’, ‘I couldn’t sacrifice that time with my children’ etc…

@SleepingStandingUp

Not working from home no.

Don't have young kids now either but when I did I still spent lots of valuable time with them

Is there a cut off point I'm not aware of?

Depends on what your 'all' is, I suppose. I'm sure some people can have it all - but their 'all' might happen to be a lower pressure or shorter hours job or it might be fewer children by choice.

It wasn't possible for me. I was a dancer before I had children. Working almost every evening, sleeping late every morning, rehearsing or taking classes every afternoon and existing mostly on stimulants. In many ways it was a fabulous life and I miss it. But I couldn't possibly have raised a family doing that. I've got seven children now aged between 9 and 24 and I now teach dance and musical theatre. Which is still a great job but not the same. And since going back to work I still spend time with my children but not as much. When they were smaller I didn't work at all which I didn't love but I got huge amounts of time with the children. So always a trade off. Never everything.

I don't think it's just a woman thing. My husband is the high earner. His job is hugely fulfilling, interesting and well paid. It's his vocation and he loves it. But he spends relatively little quality time with the children. He couldn't possibly have it all either.

No one has it all. You can't have a full time job and spend lots of time with children. There's only 24 hours in a day and you need to sleep.
You've got to look at what your priorities are... everyone's priorities are different, everyone's home circumstances are different. I work 2-3 shifts per week (13 hour shifts), try and do it on the days she's at nursery mixed in with weekend and night shifts. I see our daughter more my husband but then he took a job which has flexible core working hours and even before the pandemic worked from home 1-2 days per week.
Yes we could have more money if I worked full time or he took a less flexible job! But that is what works for us.

I'm in a senior role, Dts have just started y7. DH is a teacher, also senior.

I only went back up to full time when they were in y5. I couldn't do it before because his job is so fucking inflexible. bone of contention, I'm sure he could do more. I do everything re kids schools / activities etc but thankfully this gets less as they get older. No way I could have done it when they were early primary.

I deal with it by chucking money at it, I am the higher earner and I don't think he likes it. Yes there are bigger issues...

I wfh ft, did before covid, now the kids are independent on the way to / from school yes, I think it is possible to almost have it all. Totally depends on what you do though. I work to intense deadlines but as long as I hit the deadlines I can do the work whenever I can for it in so can help with homework etc.

You can't have a full time job and spend lots of time with children.

I assure you, plenty of parents who work full time manage to do just that. I do.

Possible but not easy. There are times where you feel you are being crap at both, and when one or the other is particularly difficult the other's got to give. But being prganised and prioritising helps A LOT.