Working mothers can't have it all?

[Unicornhat]

I've never been ruthlessly ambitious but have always worked hard and been in pretty senior roles since my mid 20s. I'm currently in a snr manager role in a large company and earn a really good salary with perks etc. I feel like I kind of fell into this role - I've never consciously decided this is where I've wanted my career to be, I was approached about the job and here we are.
I now have an almost 2 year old and I hope to have another.
I'm finding the balance really difficult. I have so much less interest in my job and I'm fed up of it taking up so much headspace outside of the office, and I'm fed up of being the manager. It's a role where you're creative and always coming up with more and more new ideas. The workload is intense I always feel I'm letting someone down.
Realistically, for me to get a part time job, or even one that gives you an opportunity for a proper lunch break and to leave on time, would mean a massive pay cut. Also, if I step back for a while I'm concerned I wouldn't get back into a senior role and salary for a v long time.
Am I just crap at managing things, or is it possible to hold down a good career and have young children? Has anyone given up a job like this and then regretted it? Have you struggled financially?
My sister and in laws keep telling me to get an easier job but it's not that simple!

It sounds like your partner is not doing his share of the mental load tbh, and that this is the problem rather than your role.

'Having it all' was a phrase put in place to tell women that having children, working full time and still being expected to run the family home was something they should aspire to was actually really achievable and if course soooo rewarding.

The true phrase is 'doing it all' because for most women that's what it is and when you 'can't' you've failed. Meanwhile men carry on as normal, infact when they do 'babysit' their own children or iron a shirt they are given medals!

@SleepingStandingUp

6 hours a day is 42 over a week.

That's easily achievable if you work 40 hours.

It also seems weirdly arbitrary.

What happens if you only manage 41? Or 38?

Robbed of your perfect having it all mother status?

It’s well evidenced that women end up doing the majority of childcare and housework. Working dads have someone at home picking up what should be at least part/ most of their share of the domestic/ childcare load.

I'd say plenty is a couple of hours before school and at least 4 after so 6 hours a day for school aged.

My DC aren't awake for "a couple of hours before school." They get up one hour before we leave. We eat breakfast together, do final checks to ensure everyone has what they need, then DH does the school run and I go to work.

In the afternoons, I pick up my DD from nursery and we all get home around the same time. We then have your required 4-6 hours between getting home and bedtime to spend time together. Before I flexed my hours and before DD was born, my DC finished school, I did the school run in a late late lunch break, and the DC came back to the office with me to complete homework in my office before we all went home together at 4. Our CEO suggested it and there are still others in our company who work out of the office and do this.

So it's perfectly possible to do exactly what you're suggesting and work full time. You may not LIKE that idea, but it's true.

@caracvanning

Only if they live with a woman willing to enable that.

My working dh doesn't.

Funnily enough.

The true phrase is 'doing it all' because for most women that's what it is and when you 'can't' you've failed. Meanwhile men carry on as normal, infact when they do 'babysit' their own children or iron a shirt they are given medals!

The thing is we not only need to tell men, but their employers as well. They need to be able to leave on time to get back for childcare, to work part time or flexible hours. This is hard enough for women, but it's also kind of expected that women will make this request once they have had children. It's not expected of men who become fathers, in fact the expectation is that they carry on as normal. This goes in their favour but also goes against them too. We are just perpetuating the absent dad while mum does everything theme that lots of us grew up with - and it's up to men to change this too, not just women!

Well I don't believe anyone has a perfect mother status, is yours feeling threatened?

Fwiw I don't qn that many women have ENOUGH, I'd love to work three days in a fulfilling role with the kids in a bit of wrap around. That would be ENOUGH but it would be the "ALL" people are yanking about

Of course you can "have it all" if it's simply a proxy to "owning it all" or "being responsible for it all". But there is only one you and you can only be in one place at once. Where that should be is a balance between circumstance and choices in this one, time limited, life that we get.

Exactly.

I'm a single parent, so give up being able to do pick ups and drop offs every day in order to earn a high salary and fund a house and everything else for my 2 DC. I work in finance and there is no way I could work part-time at the level I do. A man in my role would likely have a SAHM; I have a Nanny Housekeeper.

I work full time in a demanding role but mostly from home, I think it’s possible to balance everything except ‘me time/sleep’ - that’s the compromise I’ve made. 4 days a week I drop kids at school and collect them at 5, I have 3 hours with them for dinner, reading, activities. But then I log back on and work 8-10ish when they’re in bed, sometimes later. I’m exhausted but can’t find a better answer. One day a week I go to the office, dh covers kids and I don’t really see them awake but I’m ok with that for one day.

I am ruthlessly organized about the family diary, laundry etc but again it’s exhausting.

my dh works insane hours and doesn’t help much with the rest of it, it causes some rows but it’s not like he has his feet up. His salary reflects his hours and he spends the vast majority of it on our family.

one tip, don’t get a dog. Fitting that in amongst everything else has tipped me over the edge at times

Hmm yes, I was thinking that the people who claim they do “full time” and still see lots of their DC have a different definition of “full time” than many.

Having a job where you can look after your DC in your office at the same time as working, and then all go home at 4 (having had time during the day to collect them from school) would very much be my and many full-time workers idea of “part time”.

The reality is that nobody can have it 'all', whether you're a parent or not. There is an opportunity cost to everything and I simply believe that those people who genuinely believe they have it all are actually just satisfied with the balance and trade offs they have in their life. Good for them, but many people aren't in a position to achieve this comfortably when children add to the competing priorities in life.

For many, it is natural to want to spend time with young children and to really immerse yourself in the experience of being a parent. It is also completely natural to want to fulfil your own individual goals and desires which may encompass work, hobbies and having a social life. With only so many hours in a day, nobody can give 100% to everything.

If you're unhappy and feel like you are losing the battle to have it all then perhaps it is time to reassess your life and consider what you want most. This can and probably will change over time as the seasons of life change. Go with your gut and follow your own intrinsic values and desires. Don't let outside voices dictate what you should prioritise.

I mean when I had kids in the noughties there was no shared parental leave so regardless of who was the higher earner (me actually) it meant that my work took more of a hit from having children. And then it's hard not to just carry on being the primary care giver. It's still quite difficult for men to take extended leave, or to spend time at home with their kids unless there are several dads already doing that locally - a bit chicken and egg really.

Though I think the person having the baby usually needs the lion's share of the leave or at least the first bit, to recover from pregnancy and birth. That's what lesbian friends of ours have done.

Having a job where you can look after your DC in your office at the same time as working, and then all go home at 4 (having had time during the day to collect them from school) would very much be my and many full-time workers idea of “part time”.

Really? Since I do the same 40-hour week as everyone else, I'd like to know how that qualifies as "part-time".

I arrive at the office, which us 15 minutes from my house, early. I used my lunch break to collect my DC, and left after working for 8 full hours.

How about working fathers? Why isn't that a question?

@Thereisnolight

You mean the full time workers who engage in competitive presenteeism but who are actually just inefficient?

Great, but your job clearly doesn’t require full concentration if you can look after your DC while doing it. And you’re not spending time away from your DC while working so your experience isn’t relevant to most full-time workers.

What does ‘have it all’ mean?

How about working fathers? Why isn't that a question?

Because when father's 'have it all' it doesn't typically translate to 'do it all' in the same way the phrase is implied among women.

Even without any children it all comes down to what you want most-more money or more time /freedom. Nobody can decide but you

@SleepingStandingUp

Nope.
My crown is firmly in place.

Your underlying judgement that wm can't possibly spend enough time with their kids just doesn't stack up.

Like pilots, teachers, ICU nurses?

Full time for a nurse (icu or otherwise)

Is 37.5 hours.

Teachers work long hours term time but then have 13 weeks off school.

No idea about pilots.

According to gooe the average full time UK workers does 42 hours a week.

There are strict rules on how much work a pilot can do. I think it's 100 hours a month.