How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

Don't take the hint, she hasn't asked outright, so if she does just say that doesn't work for me, sorry. Then quickly change the subject. If your Ds says X says, just no we aren't he's mistaken.

Perhaps take the bill by the horns and suggest that you could take the boys on alternate days. Say you wouldn't want to do a rota for the return trip as you like to have the freedom after school.

I'm really sorry but this won't work for me as I may not always want to come straight home .. perhaps invent elderly relative you help care for and soften it wit If in an emergency situation you wouldn't mind as a very occasional think but you can't commit to anything regular.

That’s tough, if asked maybe say I can help pick u on Tuesday( or insert other day here) which day can you do the pick up.

therefore you are helping without completely sacrificing your freedom

Why wouldn’t you do a NDN a favour, once you are moved in to your house you really aren’t going out your way.

That said, arrangements should be reciprocal, maybe she could to the pick up at the end of the day.

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job. Previously I have given so many lifts to people out of guilt or what they will think of I say no. I would never just ask people to give lifts to my kids! I just find it so cheeky but as I’ve been told by my anxiety therapist not everyone thinks the same way I do,

Tell her you are a very nervous driver and can’t concentrate with other passengers in the car so unfortunately it isn’t an option? Obviously only if she asks outright.

Be absolutely clear. Nothing worse than only half saying no.

Absolutely do not suggest emergency situations- they will begin with once a week and turn into a regular!

I wish I could but I have work/ care responsibilities after school and they can be very spontaneous so I need to leave my mornings/ afternoons free.

I like the idea about doing alternate dAys if you would like the day off!

You clearly don’t want too.

Just say no? Or even start the conversation with ‘I couldn’t believe the cheek of x from old school expecting me to pick up and drop off daily! I wonder where some people get their brass neck from …. Anyway what days non collection!

Just say no (if asked) you don't owe her anything or lie and say you have commitments and that's it .

IF she asks then say I'll get back to you if I can help or that's great, what days can you do?

That sounds tricky - I went through a lift share situation, we made a rota, but it just made it more difficult instead of easy because it's SO restricting.

If i wanted to do something on a Tuesday after school before going home, I couldn't because I had to take X's child home. And if I said I couldn't pick up her child that day because I needed to take mine somewhere, I'd get messages like "since you didn't pick up on Tuesday, how about you do Thursday instead of me" even though I picked my own child up on tuesday I just couldn't get hers!

SO restricting, don't do it

Now is the time to be an adult. It'll save you heaps of time and misery.

Honestly if she’s prepared to alternate mornings I’d bite her arm off but I’d just say you can’t commit to evenings due to ECAs and playdates etc.

@Anxious32 Wait until your asked...but in the meantime, practice saying "I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything."
It's the truth, after all.

Tell your son that the other child was mistaken and that won’t be happening.

Ignore any hints from the other mum.

I’d ignore your own mum here as well-she can give random people lifts if she wants, doesn’t mean you have to.

If the neighbour asks directly, say no, as you’ve got involved in lift share arrangements that have gone wrong in the past, so won’t be doing that again.

Do not do it.

Say that you want it to be just you and DS until he is settled at school. Then never return to the subject.

You've articulated it quite reasonably already in your last post, 'I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything'

If she asks you can just use this - "Sorry, I'm not sure of my schedule moving forward, it's going to be changeable I know so I'm unable to commit to anything".

If you wanted to be ultra polite you could add something like "if things change at any point in the future I'll let you know, but I wouldn't want you to make plans based on my availability as it really isn't feasible"

When delivering bad/unwelcome news it's best not to over explain or witter on - it makes it more difficult. Just say it simply, be pleasant and move the conversation on afterwards.

I would offer alternative mornings simply because that would not inconvenience me. When I was on school run I wasn't going anywhere else before school and it didn't stop me going onwards to work ext. I wouldn't offer after school because it takes all spontaneity away. You can never really decide at the last minute that you are going shopping/ to park/visiting/out for early tea. Who wants to have to plan everything they do after school in advance for the benefit of someone else 😁

Just say you're not able to. This person's school run logistics are not your problem. I've been roped into this in the past and ended up having someone's kid at my house for hours after school because mum had "an emergency " after about 3rd time I put my foot down and said no more

Don't agree to anything including one day. These types of cf take over your life.

Respond to your child. No, we are not.
Any hints from neighbour. Ignore and change subject. Hold your hand out and say, ohhh is it raining? (Run away).
Direct question from neighbour. Oh sorry, I cant do that. Must go, talk to you later! (Run)

Don't make excuses or reasons. Just sorry i can't, then run. Repeat repeat repeat. They rely on wearing you down so don't loiter.

Just say life is a bit stressful just now what with the move and all and a few emm.. "family" things, you would rather wait until ds is settled into your new home, you get into a routine, get to know the area better, and you know what is happening work wise for you, and with so much going on you dont want to make any extra commitments.

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job

This is perfect. Sensible, reasonable and also true. If she asks, tell her this.

She hasn’t asked yet and maybe she won’t but if she does just politely say although you’d like to help out , you have lots of errands to do after the school run before you get home and it just wouldn’t be practical

Don’t agree to alternate mornings, I got talked into that once and she was always so late!!

When she asks, and she will, take the opportunity to learn how not be a doormat. Bluntness is best here. Say “Sorry, I really don’t want to commit to that kind of thing. I prefer to keep my times - and DS’s sick days - completely flexible and having to think about someone else’s child in the morning would do my head in. Really really I don’t want to. Sorry.” Then whatever she says just keep repeating “I just don’t want to.”