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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to decline giving a lift politely

388 replies

Anxious32 · 18/09/2022 17:37

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

OP posts:
CharmingChinchilla · 18/09/2022 19:28

Pre-empt her and turn it around on her. Say, "DS said he would be travelling to school with <NDN's DS>. How cheeky of him to assume! Awfully kind of you to offer but my schedule is so unpredictable right now that we'll have to make our own arrangements. We must arrange for a play date for the boys soon..."

Also, if you're a doormat, it can be easier to refuse via text. Gives you breathing space to come up with an answer so you don't agree out of awkwardness. Get her number ASAP!

LondonLovie · 18/09/2022 19:29

Then wouldn't you just say: no, I don’t know my schedule so can not commit to anything. ..?

Doubledenimrocks · 18/09/2022 19:29

I don't see why you can't to be honest. It seems ab absolute waste of time and money for two people to drive to the same place on the off chance you might fancy an ice-cream. Make sure the arrangement is reciprocal and be clear that there are times when you can't and want to be flexible.

KosherDill · 18/09/2022 19:29

That sounds like a nightmare. She certainly didn't waste any time, did she?

Does she live with a partner/the child's other parent? Are there other school mums in the vicinity?

I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty in responding "Sorry, our schedule is such that we can't take on any more commitments."

Do not give her hope for the future or mention "emergencies" because you can be sure that emergencies will arise with increasing regularity.

solvendie · 18/09/2022 19:30

i think I would say ‘I’m very sorry but I just can’t commit to that as I have other things I need to do’

gillybean2 · 18/09/2022 19:31

You’ve not moved next door yet. Shut it down before you move in. Say there’s been a misunderstanding, you aren’t able to help as per the reasons you already gave. Then she has time to get over it before you become neighbours.

herecomesthsun · 18/09/2022 19:31

"I'm so sorry, but that doesn't work for us" is fine. Said quietly but positively and repeated if needed.

It is very difficult when coordinating lifts if a child takes time to get ready or needs reassurance about some aspect of school and that can be hinted at if needed.

It is difficult because some people can be very entitled, but you just need to hold your position.

bringbackveronicamars · 18/09/2022 19:32

I agree with others. Tell her your schedule is unpredictable, you're job hunting, and you don't want to take on the commitment. If she pushes, ask her why she's not offering to do the running with the boys since she's going there as well and has done for the past 3 school terms.

Genevieva · 18/09/2022 19:35

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Firstly, you don't live there yet, so it is not a possibility any time soon.
Secondly, you do't know what your work circumstances will be.
Thirdly, lift sharing might actually be helpful for you for all you know.

I think you would be crazy to turn down the possibility of a lift-share. It could mean that on 2 or 3 mornings a week she collects your son from home and saves you the journey. But if you are adamant that you don't want to be neighbourly then just say that, because of work commitments you are unlikely to be able to lift-share.

PuzzledObserver · 18/09/2022 19:36

Whatever you do, don’t invent elderly relatives you need to care for, broken seatbelts or nerves about driving. Elderly relatives can die and seatbelts can be mended.

Also, not knowing your schedule, while it’s a perfectly valid reason not to want to make a commitment, is also a temporary situation. Eventually you will know your schedule and then what will you say?

If I’ve read your posts correctly, the real reason is that you don’t want to be tied down to a regular lift because you value the flexibility of being able to take and collect your child at a time that suits you, and with the freedom to go on to other places if you want to. So - unless sharing lifts is something you would value for financial reasons, in which case it needs to be reciprocal, or her to contribute to your costs if she doesn’t drive - then just tell her that.

Giving a regular lift would tie me down, and we need the flexibility. So - sorry (if you want to be a polite) - it’s a no.

Rainbowdrops2021 · 18/09/2022 19:37

I have two dc at two separate schools who start and finish within 20 minutes of each other and the schools are a good car journey apart however I still would never ask anyone to help. I have been that person to give a lift to someone else’s child who was in the same class as mine and it was a nightmare, every time they were late or we were running a bit behind or if my child was sick or theirs was and they forgot to contact me so I’d be sat waiting to take her to school. In the end I had to bite the bullet and just say I couldn’t do it any more. Not sure how you should approach this but it’s not suitable to constantly rely on someone else for free child care and lifts.

Funkyblues101 · 18/09/2022 19:37

Anxious32 · 18/09/2022 17:47

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job. Previously I have given so many lifts to people out of guilt or what they will think of I say no. I would never just ask people to give lifts to my kids! I just find it so cheeky but as I’ve been told by my anxiety therapist not everyone thinks the same way I do,

You say, verbatim, "I don't know what our schedule will be so I don't want to commit to anything." It's telling your neighbour you are nice and not a "no is a complete sentence" person, but also being totally honest. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MAKE COMMITMENTS YOU WILL REGRET.

ThorsBedazzler · 18/09/2022 19:38

If she asks, and there's no guarantee she will as let's face it, kids make fantastical arrangements all the time, just remind her that you haven't actually moved in yet. Then you can always say how you're doing all the stressful things at once - house move and job hunt - so won't know if you're coming or going in the next few months.

Then just a brisk cheerio.

Diverseopinions · 18/09/2022 19:41

It's difficult, as it will be nice for the kids, as friends, to go together, and she will owe you some favours, if you do it. That said, I think she would have to do one way sometimes, and you could explain that sometimes you won't want to go straight home.

However, if such a situation is not good for your anxiety, then you'll do well to take your therapist's advice and avoid picking up the hints.

The problem is, though, that that might cause stress, too, if the boy next door is leaving for the bus, as you go to the car, or he says something else to your son. Or, she does you a good turn, because you overlooked a school letter, and she gives you a heads up - or something like that.

If it is going to cause anxiety anyway, it might be easier to invest goodwill and think that there will be a safety net for any emergencies in which you find yourself, in future.

ScrambledEggsOnToast2 · 18/09/2022 19:42

She's told her son they will be travelling to school together, yet you haven't actually agreed 🤣 omg entitled cheeky fuck alert. I'd refuse flat out just because she's acted so entitled. I think you need to wait for her to ask outright and then pull those big girl pants on and simply say "that doesn't work for me I don't want someone else relying on me for lifts" don't be making excuses, simply it doesn't work, you don't want to so that's why it doesn't work! You aren't being a bad neighbour, she is for acting entitled.

Folklore9074 · 18/09/2022 19:42

No idea why you can’t just say what you’ve said here? You can’t commit to anything because you don’t know your schedule and like to have some flexibility. Honestly, it’s more kind/polite to be clear and honest than invent some bull about elderly relatives or some of the suggestions on here.

ChampagneLassie · 18/09/2022 19:43

Don't invent stuff, just tell her the truth, I think this would sit more easily with you. I'm sorry but I don't really know my schuledle, I'm in process of looking for a new job and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that, sorry. End of. If she apply any pressure she is a dick so don't feel bad, feel angry and end conversation

Oysterbabe · 18/09/2022 19:47

Doesn't your kid do any clubs? Mine does 3 a week straight from school.
I'd probably take turns with lifts in the morning though, I don't see the harm and better for the environment.

RandomUsernameHere · 18/09/2022 19:48

Does your DS like the DC who lives next door? If you've just moved and he doesn't know anyone it might be nice to occasionally give the other DC a lift to help cement the friendship?

oviraptor21 · 18/09/2022 19:53

Moveonswiftlyplease · 18/09/2022 18:05

Give him a lift in the mornings as you aren't going for ice cream then and you are making the journey anyway. It'll make no difference. Say you won't be coming directly home and you like to go elsewhere after school so you cannot take him in the afternoons.

But it does make a difference. I'd hate to be responsible for someone else's child or have to rely on someone else for a lift every morning. I'd just find it too stressful and too restricting. I'm much better doing everything myself, so that I can run a tight ship that's affected by as few variables as possible.

Unicorn2022 · 18/09/2022 19:53

Is it too late to sell the new house and move somewhere else instead OP?! Just joking but I am the same as you and the thought of having a classmate next door would be an absolute nightmare for me.

bigbadbarry · 18/09/2022 19:53

I’d say don’t burn your bridges - what if you had an emergency and wanted her to bring your child home? I’d share mornings for sure - just say that you often want to go and do things after school so afternoons won’t work

Bunnynames101 · 18/09/2022 19:55

Since your mum is so happy to help, when ndn asks, simply explain.

'Sorry I won't be able to take your son, but here's my mum's telephone number, she's always happy to lend a hand.' Your mum wants to 'help the poor woman, then she can help her.

Darbs76 · 18/09/2022 19:58

If she drives too I’d absolutely agree to sharing lifts. I’d have snapped someone’s hand off to not have to do the school run daily. If she doesn’t drive and is just trying to get a lift from you, or worse have you take her child to school, then you need to have an excuse ready. I guess it will cause issues as many people would be annoyed, as they are so cheeky. I guess she is hoping you’ll help out, but you don’t know the woman so why should you. Now is the time to start being assertive

Luminousnose · 18/09/2022 19:58

I took my NDN’s DD to school for a year and it was absolutely fine, but …

We walked (only 10 minutes)
She was in year 6 and my DD was younger so no friendship issues
She would come round to us on her own every morning and was never late
It was for a fixed period until she went up to high school
We’d been neighbours for several years at this point so I knew mum wasn’t a CF
There were no pickups involved

In your circumstances, I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole.