How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

Your answer is right there. You don't know your schedule so you can't commit . Then change the subject.

For taking them to school I honestly for the life of me cannot understand why you wouldn't just take your neighbour's child since you are driving to school anyway. Why on earth not?

I got roped into this when I was on maternity leave with my youngest. Didn't feel I could say no as NDN's DC and my older DC were in the same class and friendly with each other and, as you say, I was taking my DC anyway so why not? The problem was they were always late. I ended up having to tell her I couldn't do it anymore as I don't want my DC being late for school, which was awkward. It's much more difficult to extricate yourself from an arrangement like this than it is to just say no in the first place.

Neighbour is being above herself to assume you'll take her child, but I can't understand why you wouldn't take her child if he's ready when you're ready to leave. You're going there anyway, and if you don't know your schedule yet, are you still planning to take your own child. Who knows, you may need your neighbour to do you a favour one day. Give and take and all that. I can thoroughly understand not wishing to do the pm pick up though.

You don't need to commit.
She has prepped her child in advance.
She's a CF.

Wait until she actually asks you then say 'no.'
End of.

It's much more difficult to extricate yourself from an arrangement like this than it is to just say no in the first place

This^ needs highlighting!

All those saying she should do it …. Do you already offer lifts for your neighbors?

And what about animosity when you can’t for you take a week off work or their child is annoying and your child hates them?

I find the pushy parents tend to raise pushy kids.

If she does end up asking outright, how about a response like,
”I’m afraid my schedule is so unpredictable right now that I couldn’t commit to that. I’m so sorry”.
If she tries to make a case, follow up with,
”I’m afraid I just can’t take on anymore.”

Nope. Don't even agree to alternate days. I've done lifts with colleagues before and never again. It always ends up in you waiting around at the beginning or end of the day because they're late or getting the guilt trip one day because you've got to go elsewhere after work and it's going to be sooo difficult for them to get home without a lift. You're not even thanked for it after a while, it's just expected of you.

Just say you can't commit as you don't have a regular work schedule. It's not your problem how her child gets to school.

All the people saying why not. The op has given perfectly valid reasons.

For someone who doesn't know the op she's got a brass neck telling the children they'll be going to school together. She's definitely one to watch.

I get it. You're always keen to help. Don't want to say no. Tell her the truth as already said here. You can't commit. I'd use the new job 'issues' and leave it there.

That's if she asks. Sounds like she's going to be sneaky and get the kids onside to make it harder.

Please do t say this as you would NOT
rather wait to find out about your schedule etc.

You don't want to do it, so don't pretend you may in the future.

Just say that unfortunately it's not something you can commit to!

Oh god I hate these sort of freeloaders who just expect this shit.

Just make up an excuse and do what you need to do to avoid any awkwardness but definitely do not start giving lifts. I enjoy peace and quiet in my car on the school run and enjoy this time chatting to my own kids.

“I’m looking for a new job, I don’t know what my schedule’s going to be so I’m just not in a position to commit to giving lifts”

And then repeat. Assuming she’s brazen enough to ask outright. (And make sure you correct your son when he comes home parroting what her son has been fed by her on this topic)

Personally I'd word it so that in an emergency you could rely on each other to help. It does seem environmentally unaware to both be going in the exact same direction every day tbh. I'd, personally, look to perhaps do one lift a week each but that's me and not you.

We have an occasional lift share with a neighbour for emergencies and it really has been very helpful.

To answer your question, I'd wait for her to ask outright and then say I'd go with 'I'm sorry I can commit due to changing work situation / a very changeable work schedule / insert appropriate reason. Such a shame' etc

Just hope that the one day you might need her to give your son a lift that she's amenable.

Just " I'm sorry that just doesn't work for me" enough. Please stand up for yourself, once you start you'll find it liberating.

'I don't know my schedule yet but I'll let you know once I do. In the meantime, what days would you want to do?' If she says none as she can't then just say 'oh well never mind. Well we'll leave it then Probably easier anyway'

Agreed. Clear and not open to misinterpretation. Don't apologise, and say as little as you need to to decline politely.

All the people suggesting that you take turns with the neighbour to take them, she's having trouble getting her child to school, why would she agree to take both?
She's not planning to reciprocate.

“I’m looking for a new job, I don’t know what my schedule’s going to be so I’m just not in a position to commit to giving lifts”

Any variation of this would work fine.

I had a similar conversation with a neighbour who asked about sharing lifts and just said that I was sorry but I didn't want any regular commitment. Occasionally we will take each others' DC in an emergency but that's it and it's ok.

I like the time in the car with DC and it tends to be good talking time which I'm not prepared to give up. I also prefer to be early and for the timing to be within my control not someone else's.

How about “ that’s so funny I was just about to ask you to take my child in as you are going there anyway”. Watch them back away quickly.

I find CF are happy to take but never want to give.

Haha brilliant!

Bbt yes agree the "can't commit" line is best. Don't waffle, don't apologise, kind smile, move away. Done.

CF!!!

Tell her you are a nervous driver who needs to concentrate plus you are a working mum and the car journey with your wee one is important one on one time for you so you are so sorry but it’s not possible.

It's much more difficult to extricate yourself from an arrangement like this than it is to just say no in the first place

This! Remember all the times when not saying 'no' did not work out in your favour, why expect it to be different this time?
You've make the mistake of thinking you have to say yes to keep her sweet; but you don't get a nice NDN when they are a cheeky fucker. You just get someone who pushes and takes, and makes your life a misery.

You’re not the local taxi for school run. if asked You simply say my work commitments are variable, and changeable by rota. And you then let a silence develop that you do not fill,even if it feels uncomfortable

'I'm so sorry, each day is different for me at the moment and things are about to change for me at work. I would be unfair of me to say I can help. I really understand though, it's going to be tough isn't it?'

Rehearse this! 😄

It depends - does the neighbour have a car/ drive her own child to school now? What's the nature of her difficulty? How far away is the school?

If she's a non driver then she should be offering you petrol money - would you be happier if that was the case? Is there a new baby or something - I'd imagine most people would help out in those circs. Or is she struggling to get her young child to walk some distance every day?

If the school's ten minutes down the road, I'd just politely say 'if you need a lift on a wet day, just ask,' but I wouldn't get into offering a lift every single day.