How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

Tell her you can’t give other people lifts due to a complicated insurance issue. And then look mysterious and say no more.

Do you have an extra car seat? If not, tell her you don't feel safe taking another child without them having a car seat.

Tell her your other seatbelt is broken

You're absolutely right for not wanting to. I agree with "I don't know what my schedule will be so cannot commit at present" although once you have said new job she could try again and say well now you do know your schedule ... in which case I'd start with "I'm looking for a new job and don't know what my schedule will be but previously I got tied into a lift share for the school run and it ended very badly when I couldn't meet the demands - I'd prefer not to let this get between us as neighbours so won't get into another one"

It is extremely cheeky that the DC are more in the loop about her plans than you though. I'd be very annoyed about that!

This. I'd help in the morning....because why not? And you never know when you might need a favour. but no chance in the evening!

You need to put your big girl pants on, pull them up firmly and say No, I can't. It is a real can of worms and can lead to her wanting to drop her child off at yours half an hour early or remain with you after school while she potters about doing whatever. It's rarely a simple lift to or from school, so don't let a cheeky neighbour invade your routine. You don't know her, or her child, you may end up not liking either of them because of what they are like. What if your son gets bullied by this child, while having to endure car trips with him? What if a boundary dispute arises or they're a noisy family who cause you issues? Literally anything could happen, probably won't but protect yourself from future angst.

'I'm so sorry, each day is different for me at the moment and things are about to change for me at work. I would be unfair of me to say I can help.

That is much better than the 'I don't know my schedule yet' thing. Because with the latter she'll respond with "well can you take him until it changes?"

I would go with saying you are a nervous driver and therefore don't drive other peoples children, if you feel you can't be more blunt. You do have to say no though - you are in proper cheeky fucker territory when she's telling her child this is happening before you have agreed.

@Anxious32 or you could just ask why your son has come home saying that they will be going to school together and ask why they are saying that? Nips it in the bud then.

Just don’t: you will resent it. I did this for a while and I really
missed the time alone with my child talking about the school day. Being only 4, he’ll need your full attention and rightly so.

Good idea to be polite about it though (not saying you wouldn’t!) because you might need her to help you out one day.

I'm confused - is the NDN at the house you're moving into, or the one you're staying in temporarily while work is done on your new house?

Nervous driver is a ridiculous line.

Just tell her you don’t know your schedule yet.

I don’t see why taking him to school would be an issue as long as he’s round at yours on time, but you can be clear you can’t do pick up.

This is a classic situation where a quiet person can be railroaded into doing something they’d rather not do.

There’s a great assertiveness technique called the ‘broken record’ which can help a lot. It can be learned by anyone and used in tough circumstances.

If the other mum drops hints or asks for a lift, this should trigger using the broken record.

Start by showing that you appreciate her side of things by saying something like, ‘ I can see that a lift would be a help to you’.

Then go on to say ‘However’ (better than ‘but’), ‘that’s not something I can offer.’ (or use your own words.) No need to apologise or explain or offer excuses or anything further.

If the other mum questions your decision, just repeat the two stages of empathy and your decision. This is what gives the broken record its name.

Throughout, be sincere and friendly and avoid raising your voice, appearing angry or hesitant. Make it clear from your polite refusal that you’ll not change your mind but that you are a kind and courteous person.

I’ve taught this technique to hundreds of people who have used successfully. Practise it beforehand with someone until you feel comfortable with it. Lots more info on the internet about assertiveness generally.

I understand your concerns would alternative days works for you? I know it’s difficult I have been hinted at to take neighbours kids to school. I don’t mind here and there or in an emergency but I actually don’t want to be relied on to take other people kids to school when they are perfectly able to take them. I haven’t got the time, energy or dedication plus have 3 of my own kids to get to school.

Do not do this. The child might be a nightmare. Protect your child. Say to the cheeky fucker neighbour:

No. The one to one time in the car with my child is precious to me and I do not want any added responsibility during that drive.

Her arrangements for getting her kids to and from school are her problem. You could say perhaps we could share the mornings but unfortunately I cannot commit to afternoons because we often have plans and I don't know my working hours going forward.

Honestly - I think your child would benefit so much from having the one to one time with you on the way in and journey home from school - and that in my book is worth protecting fiercely. I personally would say ‘sorry but that’s our one to one time’.
And if she comes back and makes excuses about you being able to do that at other times, I would just repeat ‘sorry but that’s our one to one time’. And add ‘it’s non-negotiable’ if needed.

You find it cheeky… because it is bloody cheeky! You don’t owe this woman anything. Life is tough with kids, it’s tough for everyone- so please don’t take on the mothers load of other woman as you will simply drown and when you can’t do it any longer you will be the bad guy for letting her down. If she asks say I’m sorry, I’m getting a new job and have to sort my own transport out…. I bet she doesn’t bloody offer to help you!

I'd just tell them this; it doesn't work for you for those reasons.

I was railroaded into alternate pickups at one point, but the other mother was never actually able to and kept pulling last minute ‘I’m stuck at work can you get them?’ calls. It drove me potty, so I said to her after 2 weeks that the arrangement wasn’t working for me and I was pulling out.

Don't get sucked into any kind of formal arrangement just because a bunch of MNetters say you should be the bigger person. Sod that! IF she asks, just say, no, it's too much of a commitment being responsible for taking someone else's child to and from school every day.

I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything'
replace don’t want with can’t and you will have perfect polite and reasonable answer.
It will give you actually some room for changes in the future if boys become best friends or you need help with school runs for some reason.
Also tell DS that the boy is mistaken without focusing on it too much. You don’t know what mum’s said to him and how much of it is his wishful thinking and how much is her cunning planning.

The thing is I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything

Say this.

…this!!! I do wish I’d thought of this, it’s perfect!