How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

"Your son said they will be travelling to school together, thank you so much for offering, when should I drop him off?"
I think that ould do it.

If it's easier to lie you could say that the car is part of your routine as quite often you do the school reading with your son in the car as it's the only place he'll sit still and not get distracted. And you don't want that disrupted. Only suggesting it as I drive up to the school slightly early most days and we do their reading as it works really well for us!

@Anxious32 I’m so intrigued by this thread. I could be your next door neighbour, and in fact wonder if I have coerced someone into lift sharing with us this term when they don’t really want to. So, for context, if the mum said to me ‘actually I’d rather just do it on my own’, whilst I’d be a bit miffed that’s entirely her choice and I’d still be perfectly friendly to her….so I don’t think you need to worry about it. I’d be annoyed if she said said ‘it doesn’t fit with my schedule, because, honestly if you both have kids at the same school then they have to be dropped off and collected at the same time (clubs aside), and you are unlikely to be doing anything before school starts….so your morning schedule involves dropping your kid at school at the same time as NDN, and unless you are planning to do something in the evening every evening you’ll also be picking your kid up at the same time as NDN.
why I’m intrigued is that I don’t understand anyone who would rather spend 10 hours a week on the school run when they could do 5…..and spend 1/2 the amount of money on petrol. We did it in our last house. The kids didn’t really get on and we almost never saw them outside the lift share. But if you really don’t want to just say.

Unless you're miles from the school say you won't be driving every day.

For me, the issue is not so much the logistics of the drive to school, whether it's possible/convenient etc but the presumption of this woman that you'll do it, without you actually agreeing to. It's a massive red flag that you barely know her and she's already apparently trying to make decisions for you.

As a bit of a doormat myself (semi-recovered), I know that people like this (CFs who don't have any problem invading other people's boundaries) are a bit like vampires. Once you invite them in as it were, you're screwed, and the taking and boundary-pushing won't ever stop. It's the foot-in-the-door compliance technique.

That's why you shouldn't say yes to any of it. Not even the morning run. Not even to anything basically convenient. Keep your relationship with her pleasant but neutral and cool and do not agree to anything at all. An outright, unapologetic refusal can be polite if you say it in a cordial manner.

@Talkingtocamels I know what you mean. It seems so easy when you put it like that but apparently other people find it impossible.

Just explain that you have various activities and cannot commit to anything because your schedule is unpredictable.

in fact wonder if I have coerced someone into lift sharing with us this term when they don’t really want to

If you genuinely think you have-make sure you ask them regularly if the lift-sharing arrangement is still working for them or if they’d rather knock it on the head.

This will end up a Ball ache, waiting for him or can you please have him for tea before you know it you'll be doing all sorts. I'd say no as you need flexibility so cannot commit

This is very strange. She currently gets her dc into school. Why would she not reciprocate? You can still say no but why would the onus be on you? As others have said just say you don't want to be beholden to others for lifts in the morning and wouldn't want to be dealing with looking after another child. After school your schedule is not fixed so won't be picking him up. You presumably have errands play dates and after school activities so it's going to be difficult .

I'd go for being tone deaf. She hasn't had any up front conversation with you. You've got hear say from your son that her son thinks it's a done deal - what's that worth.

My mother made the unfortunate mistake of telling us that she plays a game where she won't actually ask what she wants, she just kind of wangles until someone feels so awkward, they offer. BIG mistake. When you realise people are playing these games, it's awfully amusing to play them right back at 'em. As in, until they ask , nothing gets given. Or refused.

This is great advice.

Don’t get into alternate days or anything similar as it will definitely creep.

Also, NDN has already shown you quite a lot of CF potential already by banging on about the tricky school journey as a priority when you have barely met her AND priming her son to tell yours they will be lift-sharing! You’re going to need to be brave and firm to avoid being taken advantage of.

Also, NDN has already shown you quite a lot of CF potential already by banging on about the tricky school journey as a priority when you have barely met her AND priming her son to tell yours they will be lift-sharing! You’re going to need to be brave and firm to avoid being taken advantage of.

Agree with this. It's a giant red flag that she has immediately eyeballed you as someone who can do things for her. That's not normal. It's pushy, selfish and weird.

The reason so many people avoid giving lifts or alternating days is that we like our freedom, and other people can be unreliable. They're always running late or they ask you to pick up the slack when it's supposed to be their turn. Anytime something happens out of the ordinary (child ill, running late yourself, change in routine), you have to communicate it to them rather than just getting on with it. You can't relax the same way as you would if it was just you/your own child. If you're particularly unlucky, they use it as an opportunity to ask other, less reciprocal favours.

Sometimes it works out, but often it's more bother than it's worth.

Why don’t you do it? What a waste of petrol otherwise.

Total pita. What if your ds is sick, or hers is? Stick with the ‘I need flexibility and it’s my time to talk to ds about his day etc’. Practise a conversation beforehand in the mirror and especially practise the ‘No’ bit, don’t let her browbeat you into it.

Exactly. Instead of asking OP for the lifts, a decent person would have offered to be the driver. That she hasn't, but has just sized up OP as someone she can use, is very telling.

Could you do it once or twice a week to help out and she could do it once or twice to help out as well?

Or maybe just alternate the mornings or something, cause at the end of the day there may be times you might need her help and if your son and her son get on well the might end up doing other extra curricular things together as well

You dont know your schedule so you can’t commit to anything - that’s all you have to say. And keep saying it! If you agree to do something you don’t want to do, that’s on you..

I shared the school run with a close friend for years and it worked perfectly.
But when we moved back to the UK, a woman with a child in the same school as my daughter needed lifts for her child or the child would have to move schools and I offered to help. However, this didn't work very well as it meant that if I wanted to take my daughter shopping after school I had to double back to take her child home first. Then I discovered that when her husband was around they were still more than happy for me to do the school runs....

Ask her to do it first.
Out-cheeky-fucker her, she'll never see it coming 😄

It's mad that you are both travelling 30 minutes to the same school.

Do you bit for the environment (and be neighbourly) and give the kid a lift. You are driving there anyway.

Ask for contribution towards petrol.

You tell her that your sorry but that won't be possible due to family issues.
If she asks more just say I am sorry but it is private.
Repeat this when ever she asks. Nothing more.

Think about what you want to do, ideally. You seem to want to say no but on the basis that she will take advantage of you (why incidentally is it so hard for her to get to school, does it clash with working hours or something?) Or that your schedule might change. But in an ideal world what would you want? To never do it, to share a couple of times a week, to do alternate mornings? Work out that and then work out a response.

If it's never, then just say 'yes it's a nightmare isnt it' when she says it's hard. And 'no, I really like spending that one on one time with my son' if she asks directly. If you want to do alternate days say good idea what days do you want to do or something. If it's a maybe say you'll have to wait and see what your new working hours are before considering. Etc

On the surface it does seem ridiculous taking two cars from A to B.

The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. this would make me wary though.

If she had immediately suggested that taking it in turns would be beneficial then that might be different.