How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

It's all very well saying the OP might need a favour from the neighbour one day, but the thing with cf is that they are always mysteriously unavailable to help you out when the need arises. And most people don't want to do years of other peoples school runs for them, on the off chance that they might need a favour one day - I've managed to raise 4 kids without ever needing to ask a total stranger to take them to school for me because they're my kids and getting them to school is my responsibility.

Please don't fall down this rabbit hole,
Unfortunately I was once stuck in this trap, I was in a similar position to you and had a neighbour with 1 child attending the same school as my son, we had just moved in and were living with reno"s going on around us, ( me, hubby & 3 kids under 6) From day 1 my new neighbour approached me to introduce herself and all she did was complain how hard the school run was and how she wasn't coping being a mum especially as her husband worked away, I tried to ignore it but after a month of being bailed up continuously I weakened and felt sorry for her, I explained I had a lot on my plate but I could help her Tuesday and Wednesday morning as long as she did the afternoon, by the second week she didn't do any pickups calling at the last minute claiming emergencies and then not picking her child up until after 6pm
the following week she started calling for" help" every day and increased until I had her child morning - afternoon & then evenings. She wouldn't answer her phone either and sometimes it was 9pm before she turned up. My husband had a lot to say to her but rarely did it make any difference, the final straw was when her child was seriously hurt at school and they called me, she had put me down as next of kin without my consent, her child had been taken to hospital and I called the police to find her, it took them 4hrs, I then discovered she was partying every day and her child was just inconvenient. Needless to say we no longer speak.
So every time your neighbour says she's not coping sympathise and say you understand as you feel the same way, whatever her issue is do the same thing, start hinting about her taking your child to school as you find mornings so tough with everything else that's going on,, mention you struggle with your own child and couldn't cope with any more around you, after a few conversations where you turn into her she will run a mile, she will be terrified of what you might ask of her.
Reverse psychology works I just wish I knew about it when I fell into my neighbours trap, I wish you nothing but the best in drawing a line in the sand before you move into your new home.

@Karen988

Why not take turns driving week to week so each mom gets a break?

Did you honestly miss the part where the OP's neighbour is not suggesting they 'take turns', rather expecting OP to do it all.

That is not a good basis for neighbourly support.

This is shocking

The fact that her child is telling yours you will be giving a lift means the mother is a CF who has assumed this despite not asking you or even really knowing you. It tells you all you need to know about how they view this: it’s for their convenience, yours isn’t even a consideration - in fact, they are so certain that it’s a given that they’ve told their child. Remind yourself of why you are saying no: the anxiety that will come from having to do this every day for someone with such bad manners will be awful. Ask yourself: when will it stop if I say yes? Years from now? You can’t entertain it.

You need to say very firmly, ‘sorry but that won’t work for me or my husband.’ Then stop there. Anxious people often babble into the silence apologising and excusing themselves and it’s worth reminding yourself that you don’t need to justify not doing anything that you didn’t offer to do in the first place.

If she has the cheek to demand answers, say something like, ‘There are a number of reasons. Other commitments and routines. It doesn’t work for us.’ You can be polite but still firm. Don’t be drawn into making excuses as she will only stress you out if she starts challenging them or picking them apart.

It’s only people on here with no stake in the conflict that advise others to have conversations that are blunt to the point of rudeness; idea that ‘No’ is a full sentence which neatly solves problems is nonsense.

*the idea that

Ps I did see that you are moving back home soon but forgot that when I was replying so ignore me asking when it would end!

Absolutely perfect thing to say if she asks.
Do not even attempt to get in to a conversation about it or give any excuses.
Just no. Everyone has enough restrictions in their lives without taking on someone else's.

All these people suggesting lift shares and a rota, the OP doesn’t even know this NDN. No way on Earth is my child getting in the car with a woman I have had a 20 min chat with.

I would say the reason not to do this NDN a favor is because it does become a huge responsibility. It starts with rides to school and slowly but surely becomes more. Plus, if OP's child is sick, OP is sick, or if there is a schedule change, this neighbor kind of sounds like she would make OP feel guilty about it.
And I almost guarantee that this neighbor would agree to splitting days but always have "something" come up and not be able to do her days.
Seems better to just say no, especially since OP is looking for a job and they don't even know each other yet.

Had sort of the same deal. Agreed with the neighbor to drive both of our kids to school. I take them in the morning, she picks them up in the afternoon. Then all of a sudden, she would call and say she can't pick them up. Ok at first until it became too frequent all the while her car is at home. I made a comment to her son one day and as kids can be honest, he told me that she's tired of picking them up. Free ride was over.

you don’t have a seat free when your husband goes too- how is this hard? You literally can’t fit him in your car, are you mentally thinking but maybe my son could go in the boot?
oh sorry, sharing lifts would be brilliant but he won’t fit when my husband is going into work and I’m looking for work so don’t know my hours- we might need wrap around before school care as it is

How did you get on OP? What was the outcome?