How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I don't think people realise how awkward it can be when you want to do other things on the journey.

A much different situation from yours but I volunteer for an activity for disabled children once a week. There is a 28 year old lady from the same village who is a volunteer but in actual fact is special needs herself and just tends to sit and watch. I go early anyway to set up and her mum used to bring her in but I would take her home. This meant that I could go and get bits of shopping or whatever on the way there.

Increasingly they are asking me to take her both ways. When I have said I am going shopping on the way the answer it that it's OK because she doesn't mind going shopping!

I'm sorry, I know I am going anyway but I don't want to be responsible for a special needs person in the supermarket who I have to concentrate on and who I can't leave in the car because she can sometimes wander off and try and find me. She also trails right behind me when I am trying to set up too.

I'm made to feel so guilty because if I say I can't take her I get a Daily Mail sad face and "oh she won't be able to come then and she does so enjoy it". I don't mind taking her home but just don't know how to get out of doing both ways when I only live a few yards from her. It's starting to spoil the whole thing for me.

I agree with you it is bloody cheeky of her.
I am the same I would never ask someone to take or pick up my children.

I mean what really is the harm? You may need a favor one day from her. Why is it so hard to just be a decent human being now a days and helping others out?

This is petty as hell. My mom used to pick up a kid in my school every morning. He wasn't even in my class or my friend. I used to pick up my kid's class mate a couple times a week. Their moms are single moms and had to be to work at 6am and they needed help.

If this lady can't do it on certain days that's fine. What's the harm in throwing the kid in the back seat with your son? Why not take turns driving week to week so each mom gets a break?

Y'all always want to complain it's so hard to make it out here and you don't earn a living wage yet you don't want to be part of a community of neighbors to help eachother out? Petty and selfish af.

@NanaM71 You are confusing helping someone out once or twice with being a doormat and it being expected everyday and the neighbour didn't even have the decency to ask first. It's because of enablers like you that CFers exist in this world, and good decent people are hurt.

@Karen988 Maybe read all of the OP's posts on this thread, not just the first one. It's not possible for the OP to do so, and worse, the CFer neighbour didn't even have the decency to ask first. I am sure if you were treated badly you wouldn't like it.

When I have said I am going shopping on the way the answer it that it's OK because she doesn't mind going shopping!

I know I've used just one sentence from your post, DoraSpenlow, but this is a classic example of how explaining why we can't do something doesn't always work ... with a potential CF it's just one more thing to bat off in pursuit of what they want

Much easier, IME, to give little or no detail to avoid this situation arising

You do realise there is a difference between helping each other out, and one person doing everything. Right?

I don’t know, why is it so hard to just be decent human being and not hector and emotionally blackmail someone into doing something they quite clearly don’t want to do?

It’s people like you who have chips on their shoulders that make people hateful nothing wrong with having a good heart and taking care of one another, call me an enabler I call it being a good Christian, I hope that she never needs help from her neighbor.

The relationship between you and ndn could be mutually helpful if the DC like each other.

I have become close to a neighbour that I didn't think I'd gel with, she is helpful I'm helpful too, it has worked out well, the DC are great friends.

No it's CFers and enablers like you that cause problems. Being a good Christian doesn't mean being a pushover or supporting bad behaviour, in fact, on the contrary, being a good Christian means you would not stand to see others harmed or exploited. Yet that's exactly what you're doing. You have it all twisted. I hope you are never abused, harmed or exploited, like you wish others like the OP are. Who do you think you are to be so horrible?

Having a 'good heart' and 'caring for each other' goes BOTH WAYS. Not only one way. I wonder if the OP's CFer chancer of a selfish using neighbour is on this thread.

😂😂😂😂 yet it’s not the ‘hateful’ ones calling other people hateful, or accusing them of having chips on their shoulder, is it? Always funny how arsey the ‘be kind’ contingent get. Really selling it as a source of source of personal fulfillment.

Is it just me, or does anyone else want to hear from the supposed CF neighbour? Perhaps we are all assuming the neighbour is imposing in a thoughtless and selfish manner? Maybe she just hinted because she knew it was a big ask and wanted to put out feelers out instead? Maybe she didn't tell her child he was going to be getting lifts from the oP , but that she hoped he would be and the child misinterpreted? Maybe the OP is so concerned about not being a doormat and trying hard to change b, but is oversensitive and unable to decipher unreasonable requests from balsy imposition? Just more thoughts!

I know exactly how a community works - I’m part of one.

We’re there for each other in hard times and in good. Helping each other out, being there as a shoulder to cry on, having each other kids, providing food, love, childcare, friendship, laughs.

It’s great. Second to none. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Guilting a mother with enough on her plate to do everything for someone else, with no hint or vague offer of reciprocal help is not OK.

I can hardly read the post for all the abbreviations 🤦🏼‍♀️ Is there a list somewhere that I can refer to please?

I really don’t think there’d be any misinterpretation if - instead of hinting her needs - she offered up some sort of reciprocal arrangement. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Here they are

www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

It's difficult to say, but I appreciate where you are coming from. It's interesting how this post seems to have unlashed the beast in all of us overwhelmed mums. I think a lot of the responses here say more about those responding than the OP. Myself included. 😊

I don't disagree. That would be best. But then we wouldn't have this luscious thread, would we? 😝🤔

Why not respond with "We can split the mornings and sort out a timetable" it could definitely benefit both of you if done right.
Are you sure she is hinting for you to do all the school runs? It could be your anxiety.
Her DC is probably excited for his friend moving next door.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions unless NDN asked you outright.

I say this in the kindest way possible, but you need to grow a back bone and simply say no. It's not rude to just say no and change the subject. I'm someone who hates confrontation, and I've had to learn to say no. Or reframe, why does your neighbour get to avoid the inconvenience of the morning school run & you don't? She's a stranger expecting you, another stranger, to deal with issues she hasn't managed herself. All the best and I hope you have the guts to say no, and to pat yourself on the back for setting some boundaries.

Well said!

Yeah, I hate that behavior too. I find however that flipping the script does wonders. Ask HER to take your kid to school before she asks you. See what she says. Chances are 1) she will get the message that you either aren't listening to her complaints or don't care, 2) she will refuse and in doing so gives you a script to follow in how to tell her no when she asks.

Good luck.