How to decline giving a lift politely

[Anxious32]

We have moved and Son (year 4) has started a new school. We’re having work done to the house so not living there at the moment we are living about 30 minutes away temporarily. NDN son is also in my child’s new school in his class! The mother has commented in the handful of brief 5 minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven’t moved there not outwardly asked yet! My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”.

I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport “just because I’m going there too”. Just for context I’m very softly spoken and can be a door mat. Also this is RL so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of “No is a complete sentence”. I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN plus see each other at school.

how can I politely say I don’t want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should “help the poor lady out”. In the past situations like that have results in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friends house. It’s also annoying having to be on same-time each bloody time.

Tell your son that the other child was mistaken and that won’t be happening.

Ignore any hints from the other mum.

I’d ignore your own mum here as well-she can give random people lifts if she wants, doesn’t mean you have to.

If the neighbour asks directly, say no, as you’ve got involved in lift share arrangements that have gone wrong in the past, so won’t be doing that again.

Do not do it.

Excellent advice right here.

All I'd add is that no really is a complete sentence. I'd add a functional "sorry" as can be "Sorry, no" or "Sorry, that's not possible for me" for politeness. My advice would be to practice, and to not give a reason if you can at all avoid it, as that gives her something she might try to overcome. Also practice after any come back at all, "Sorry it's still a no." and walking away.

You can do this!

My Son came back from school on Friday and said “x said we’ll be travelling to school together”

Weren’t you pissed off at this? What did you say?

This happened to me recently and I laughed and said I was far too much of a disorganised manic mess in the morning and she really wouldn't want that in her daily life! I'm not at all, but drop off and pick up are tightly organised as I work from home and I definitely don't need anyone else involved in that.

I'd probably be ok with taking the child in the morning to school with your DS as u are going there anyway but i wouldnt be collecting and dropping them home. Like you said what if you want to take your DS for an icecream, to the park or shopping etc. Just invent a elderly relative like a poster above suggested that you have to go visit/do shopping for after the school pick up.

Don't agree to anything!
One of my neighbours has an excellent but quite brutal system. She will give lifts but refuses to pre-arrange or commit to anything. The children she's willing to drop off have to be waiting at her car at a set time and she will take them. If they're not there she goes without them.
I'd just refuse to entertain any regular bringing home full stop and just say it's not convenient.
Lift sharing can work but it's got to be reasonable and reciprocal. It's also a really good way to fall out!

Just do t engage with it until you are asked directly, then say 'I often have several personal commitments every day before and after school so I cannot commit to shared transport.

You don’t have to do daily tasks for your neighbours. Nobody does, even if it doesn’t particularly take you out of your way.

Just say you can’t. ‘Sorry, I just don’t have a fixed schedule at the moment because of work/job searching etc.’

The first part of your first sentence, just say that.

Honestly, she's unlikely to ask outright so just pretend you haven't picked up the hints. If she does ask, say the above and make a sharp exit!

Or just straight up ask her - why did Jason tell Drew they’d be traveling to school together? He said your son said that but we haven’t made any arrangements for that so I was confused.’

If she asks just saying that it doesn’t work for you and change the subject.

She's managed so far, so she can carry on managing.

It's not your responsibility to get anyone elses child to school other than your own.

I agreed to take a relative’s child to school in the mornings for a month-it was horrible and I never did it for anyone else again. She either dropped the child off late, so we were late, or dropped off early and the child used to attempt to ransack my house when I’d just tidied up! The child used to try to run off on the walk and generally did my head in. I liked walking to school with my kids as it gave us precious time to just chat.

If you don’t want to do it, you have to hold firm here.

If her son is Y4, how's she managed int now?
Anyway, if you are 30mins away, you can't commit to that at present either. Just say that

Give him a lift in the mornings as you aren't going for ice cream then and you are making the journey anyway. It'll make no difference. Say you won't be coming directly home and you like to go elsewhere after school so you cannot take him in the afternoons.

I don’t know my schedule so don’t want to commit to anything. I am also looking for a new job

Perfect - if she asks, just tell her what you've told us
If she's rude enough to push it even after this, that's when you resort to "No, that won't work for me", and as PPs have said don't even think of saying you'd cover emergencies because that'll guarantee there's one every day

I would love to help but I honestly don't know what my schedule is going to be like because I'm looking for a new job.

As she hasn’t actually asked yet I’m pre-empt her and say something like “obviously I can’t help you out with the school run regularly, but if you ever need an emergency pick up please let me know! I’m sure every now and then we could arrange a play date after school!” Hopefully she’ll take the hint. Make it clear you are sometimes busy and be busy.

For taking them to school I honestly for the life of me cannot understand why you wouldn't just take your neighbour's child since you are driving to school anyway. Why on earth not?

Obviously coming home a different matter I would say no to that

Because it's not convenient

Because it will end up them being late, them being awkward, it leading to other childcare, them being out at night so can you have little johnny as you are taking him anyway, can I bring him early and have his breakfast at yours yada yada yada.

OP why should you help the poor lady out? Who is helping you out?

Just say no, that won't be possible and don't get into any argument. Use your schedule changes as your excuse if you want. Say you've done it before and people have taken the piss, or not gone halves on fuel, or messed you about so you just don't do it any more.

Me too. I'd share taking and do your own collecting.

If you'd rather do nothing then simply say that: 'No, I'd rather not, I don't know my schedule yet and I don't like to be bound to those kinds of arrangements'.

Or say 'I'm happy to alternate drop offs each week otherwise no'.

Hard agree here - substitute 'can't' instead of 'don't want to' and it's perfect - who can argue with it?
It's also simple to understand so you can tell your child so you're both saying the same thing.

You could say that you’ve had your fingers burned in a nightmare liftshare before and it’s put you off for life.

for me as i was going the same way, id help out, yes at the same time op, i understand your perspectives