AIBU?
Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 19:43
Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.
me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.
im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .
everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.
she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.
my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).
she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(
Am I being unreasonable?
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Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 15:40
Yes but it’s old news - she knew months ago (because of travel for both of us / relocating to places closer together it’s been on the cards but didn’t happen). I’d not considered that could be a reason as there’s no emotional attachment for her or so I thought!
rangagirl · 24/09/2022 19:08
If she's not grown up enough to tell you what you've done to her, then I would say no big loss. Tell her you're not interested in being in the wedding of someone who won't talk to you about their problem with you, wish her well, and move on.
From your description, it sounds like she's dropping hints that she wants you gone, anyway. That's still a childish way to behave, but if that IS what she's doing, then she can't complain if you take the hint and get lost, right?
Either that or she is just playing games in order to get attention - she's not really mad at you, but WANTS you begging for scraps of attention because it makes her feel important.
But I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that desperate for attention, either! :(
sjxoxo · 24/09/2022 22:12
I’ve not read the whole thread op only your posts but this ‘Friend’ seems a lot of hard work to me!! I hate this fuss about weddings - how on earth can a reasonable person accuse you of not being excited enough about their wedding???! It’s madness. Honestly I would walk away and not look back. You don’t mention anything at all that she adds to your life other than a few shared drinks. She sounds needy and emotionally very immature! Also it’s very very rude of her to not reply to any of your messages rather than just be honest with you or at the very least have the decency to discuss the bridesmaid situation with you. Who on earth does she think she is?? I would hold my head high - you’ve been a good friend from what you’ve said here; she’s been bitchy and very childish. You deserve better friends! Good luck to you Xox
StClare101 · 24/09/2022 22:56
The fact you had to send her flowers because she accused you of not being excited enough about her wedding that was over a year away is a massive red flag.
I would mute her on everything and then see how you go. The only reason not to block is you could end up looking like the petty one.
Shes no loss. She’s not a proper friend.
Gemcat1 · 24/09/2022 23:28
Having a relationship and communicating by text does not allow you to see how her body language is. The majority of people are telling you not to be a bridesmaid but it is possible that you are already off the list. My suggestions are as follows:
- Go to her house, knock on the door and insist on 10 minutes to discuss what has upset her
- Write a letter explaining how you feel and asking her what upset her
- Borrow a phone so that she does not recognise the number and call her to ask what has upset her.
Once you have spoken to her, or not as the case may be, you will be in a better position to decide how to proceed with your relationship or not. IMHO it is difficult to be a bridesmaid to someone who is behaving like a child and won't tell you what the matter is. It is also difficult to be a friend to someone who won't communicate why she's upset. Communication is key in any relationship so if you have done something she needs to tell you and if she's heard something she needs to tell you.
Icebreaker911 · 25/09/2022 00:39
Your right to be worried & your definitely not being unreasonable... It seems as though your friend is trying to send you a message, it appears she has made her mind up about something as well - if I were you... I would be direct about your involvement in her wedding plans., I know it's going to be very hard for you to face up to (maybe) losing your friend - but you need to know... (Good luck - I'm on your side 👍)
GetRichOrDieTrying · 25/09/2022 00:55
Quitelikeacatslife · 18/09/2022 22:21
Return the shoes, dress and anything else you have paid for. Cancel any hotels relating to wedding and hen do and then ignore her. If she comes back next year just laugh and say of course I thought you no longer wanted me to be bridesmaid, how could I think anything else.
Also call up the venue and cancel that. Cancel the hotel rooms, cancel the church, and cancel the flowers.
Then turn up on the day and make a scene.
Cheeseandcrackers86 · 25/09/2022 09:53
Gemcat1 · 24/09/2022 23:28
Having a relationship and communicating by text does not allow you to see how her body language is. The majority of people are telling you not to be a bridesmaid but it is possible that you are already off the list. My suggestions are as follows:
- Go to her house, knock on the door and insist on 10 minutes to discuss what has upset her
- Write a letter explaining how you feel and asking her what upset her
- Borrow a phone so that she does not recognise the number and call her to ask what has upset her.
Once you have spoken to her, or not as the case may be, you will be in a better position to decide how to proceed with your relationship or not. IMHO it is difficult to be a bridesmaid to someone who is behaving like a child and won't tell you what the matter is. It is also difficult to be a friend to someone who won't communicate why she's upset. Communication is key in any relationship so if you have done something she needs to tell you and if she's heard something she needs to tell you.
Sorry but I think this is horrendous advice. Why are people in today's society conditioning themselves to be such drama llamas lacking in self respect? Her 'friend' has made it clear she doesn't want in her life and is refusing to communicate like an adult with her which IMO is pretty much the most disrespectful thing you can do to anybody. The OP doesn't need to do a sodding thing. She needs to take the bloody hint, accept that many friendships don't last, realise that if you act like a doormat people will treat you like one and walk away with her dignity intact. There is no alternative here. We are all worth more than this
Stewball01 · 08/02/2023 23:51
@itsgettingweird
I agree. Seems like she's changed her mind or something and hopes you'll say you're not going to be BM so she doesn't have to do her own dirty work.
Stop texting, have a good cry and try to forget her. Obvious you don't go to the wedding. It's over I'm sorry to say. She sounds very stupid to me. You don't need her.
lizard202 · 13/02/2023 07:05
Bride isn’t talking to me - follow on update http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4737691-bride-isnt-talking-to-me-follow-on-update
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