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Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

323 replies

Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 19:43

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

carrotsandpeaass · 19/09/2022 03:12

I would send a last message and put

I've tried to work out what is wrong but seeing as you won't open up to me I think I have no choice but to take a step back from our friendship, and your wedding.
I valued you as a friend and I am incredibly sad, but I just can't deal with the stress and upset that this situation is bringing to me any longer and I don't feel comfortable.

Then remove all traces of her, social media, number etc and have a clean break.

She is an attention seeking, spiteful person and you deserve better.


Bookworm777 · 19/09/2022 06:05

BobDear · 18/09/2022 23:17

Well that's shit.

Yes, it does seem like she is forcing you into a corner where you have to be the one to 'break it off'. I know you don't want to be the 'baddie' but actually, why not? You have other friends and she has treated you appallingly.

I would actually send her one last text along the lines of:

I have always valued your friendship and was really looking forward to being your bridesmaid. It has become crystal clear that you no longer want the friendship or - presumably - my services as your bridesmaid. I am really sad and a little confused as to why, but I'm not a doormat and have taken the hint.

Just before I return what I can and cancel my accommodation, could you please - as a courtesy - confirm that I haven't completely got the wrong end of the stick. A simple - "Yes, best to cancel" will do.

Enjoy your wedding - i truly wish you well.

I would send this too, it’s spot on.


Kteeb1 · 19/09/2022 07:33

It really hurts when someone cuts you out when you genuinely have no reason why. Happened to me with a close friend who was maid of honour at my wedding. Similar. All was fine, and then suddenly stopped messaging returning calls etc all when I was going truth a hard time. Incidentally she was a drama queen who was always going truth a hard time. I messaged her a few times asking what if dine working etc as we were closer but nothing. About 2 years later she messaged me out of the blue saying 'I suppose its normal to have times when we are less close' I went back and said maybe, but I don't think it's normal to cut people out with no explanation and she never messaged again!! Just stop responding, and don't go to the wedding she will make you miserable. If she's not mature enough to tell you what's wrong I suspect that nothing is actually wrong and she has issues. Especially as she done it before. Let her go.


Fightingbackwithhappiness · 19/09/2022 07:37

@Aperolsprizter I had a similar experience when my best friend moved away to college. She just started pulling away etc. over the years was very hot and cold over keeping in touch. One Xmas she was meant to visit with her husband and was over 3 hours late with no excuse or apology and could only stay for 20 mins when We’d made food etc. she Just seemed to find it amusing that I was a bit irate. Over the following year she barely responded to me and kept pulling out of stuff and eventually stopped responding to messages etc. we’d been friends for such a long time and I was just heartbroken. I decided for my own sanity that I just had to have it out with her and I’m glad I did as it gave me closure. It turned out I’d said something at her wedding (4 years prior) that had upset her. It was totally unintentional and I was mortified so I apologised deeply and she seemed to accept it. I couldn’t get past how she hadn’t just told me about it though! And how she preferred to play games etc like ignoring and excluding me. So In the end, I just said, look, this friendship has run its course and I’ll always be here if you need me, but I have to step away from it as it’s making me feel crap. Although I was sad I was glad I took the bull by the horns and ended things on a grown up note.
good luck in resolving this. You sound like a good friend to her and she doesn’t seem realise it at all.


Frazzledmummy123 · 19/09/2022 09:50

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/09/2022 22:34

She hasn’t got the bollocks to say she doesn’t want you in her life, so she’s leaving you to be the bad bastard by ‘leaving her wedding’.

Just don’t give her the satisfaction.

Retreat. SHE can tell you that you aren’t a bridesmaid.

She isn’t a friend.

I agree with this. I don't think you should send her anything all or say anything about not being a bridesmaid anymore as you will be framed to be the bad one for dropping out. Leave her be and cut contact.


catfunk · 19/09/2022 09:58

I'd be fuming with her, she's a drama Llama treating you like shit keeping you hanging.
I'd honestly ghost her now.


Spinninsweetness · 19/09/2022 12:27

Letthekidsplay · 18/09/2022 23:41

Send her a link to this thread do she can see what people think of her behaviour just in case she’s deluded enough to think she’s in the right….

Yep 100%


SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/09/2022 12:41


I’m sorry because I know how much this stings.

My best friend of years dropped me like a stone. I got my Christmas presents dropped off in July by her husband (who looked awkward as…). Very out of date chocolates and used perfume.

I retreated after a few messages went unanswered.

I found out a few years after that from a mutual acquaintance that she had moved on as I wasn’t a mother (I can’t be) and therefore not really relevant to her anymore.

We shared so much and it still hurts. She made me feel like the person I wanted to be. Should be.

I let few folk into my little life now. It is safer that way. 💐


venus7 · 19/09/2022 19:55

girlmom21 · 17/09/2022 19:45

I'd back out of being a bridesmaid.

If you've upset her that's fine but if she can't communicate like an adult it won't get resolved.

This...if she can't, or won't communicate, nothing you can do.


Cheeseandcrackers86 · 20/09/2022 08:02

OP why are you bothered about looking like an unkind person but not bothered about looking like a spineless person who'll let people walk all over her and indulge in their fabricated drama?! This silly bitch is walking all over you and making it obvious she doesn't give a shit about you. Whatever her reasons or childhood trauma there's only one way to deal with this. Cut her out. Remove her from all contact avenues so she has no way to weasel back. You don't need her. It's her loss. Maybe it will be a lesson learned for her but I doubt it. You can't control her you can only control you so for goodness sake have some self respect


burnoutbabe · 20/09/2022 08:08

I suppose my worry is that it was all a misunderstanding and me pulling out of being a bridesmaid or the hen before she tells me I am not welcome would be seen by everyone else as sone hideous crime that ruined her wedding.

(Also we don't know if the poster organiser the hen or tickets are all in her name or even paid lots of money already for stuff, she said she had dress already?)

But at sone point there will be an obvious point to ask again -if you have tickets to the hen and it's in 2-3 weeks time etc. or whenever you could get a refund on them still.


Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 08:33

The hen is next year and a small deposit has been paid but not enough to cause massive financial damage if I didn’t go

OP posts:

Frazzledmummy123 · 20/09/2022 10:30

Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 08:33

The hen is next year and a small deposit has been paid but not enough to cause massive financial damage if I didn’t go

I say this kindly, if anyone ever did this to me, there would be no 'if' I don't go, I definitely wouldn't be going unless my friend started behaving like a normal, decent person and had an adult chat with me to resolve this.

She has left you out a BM chat and turned her back on you at something. This could be considered bullying behaviour, and is not the behaviour of a friend. If this is ever to be resolved, she has to make a move to do it, and take full responsibility. If this doesn't happen, I'd advise you to steer clear.


Frazzledmummy123 · 20/09/2022 10:31

Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 08:33

The hen is next year and a small deposit has been paid but not enough to cause massive financial damage if I didn’t go

I just realised, you were responding to the previous poster who asked about the hen. However my comment still stands.


Idontknowwhatto · 20/09/2022 10:50

Come out of this with your self respect intact by pulling out of the wedding entirely and ending the friendship. Even if she had a tough life, she cannot expect to treat anyone so inhumanely and there be no consequences. She is putting you through such stress and I guarantee she isn't stressing about your feelings or how much she values your friendship. I would have been out of this situation by now because there is nothing to hold onto. I could never have a friendship with someone who did this to me. I wouldn't even care about looking g lien the bad guy. People only know how much crap you will tolerate when you show them. Show her by cutting her and her wedding out of your life.


MintyGreenDreams · 20/09/2022 10:56

Block her.
Let her scrabble around for another bridesmaid.


GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 20/09/2022 12:09

So many posters have made so much sense. I really do feel for you. @Idontknowwhatto makes a good point about her having had a hard time - I suppose the nuance for me would be, is she doing this to everyone and If not - why not? Why is she focusing on you to treat so badly? It’s really not ok and singling you out in this way is dreadful behaviour.


PearlWithTheGirlEarring · 20/09/2022 12:39

Apologies if I've missed this @Aperolsprizter , I've only read your highlighted posts, but who currently has the bridesmaids dress?


Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 12:57

She does (they were very cheap from ASOS sale - so much so it wouldn’t be a consideration for her to boot me as a BM just because she had the dress if that makes sense). I didn’t pay for dress but have for shoes / coverup

OP posts:

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 13:00

I'm afraid I wouldn't be waiting for confirmation. Id just be blocking her and moving on with my own life.


potniatheron · 20/09/2022 13:19

My honest read of the situation?

She's jealous of you and your thriving, independent lifestyle. (And I think deep down you know this, which is why you reference it lightly in your opener.) She attempts to compensate for this by playing the Mean Girls high school bitch.

Tale as old as time. She's got you making all the running, you helped her through hard times, you even slog out to her little town for drinks even though she drives!

@Shamoo was right. Go dark. No more texts, no more moves, no more wedding planning. Don't drop out of the wedding, nothing.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is......Nothing.

She'll come running back eventually when she realises she's no longer getting her narcissistic supply off you. That's the moment she should apologie profusely...if she's got a brain and a heart, that is. Then you can decide whether to forgive her or to sayy bye bye.

In the meantime, kick her out of the space she currently occupies rent free in your head, and get on with your glorious life. It sounds much more full, vibrant and interesting than hers.


PearlWithTheGirlEarring · 20/09/2022 13:33

Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 12:57

She does (they were very cheap from ASOS sale - so much so it wouldn’t be a consideration for her to boot me as a BM just because she had the dress if that makes sense). I didn’t pay for dress but have for shoes / coverup

Yes that makes sense. I just wondered if she’d come sniffing around again if she needed the dress back but if she’s already go tit probably not.

you are honestly better out of this one.


PearlWithTheGirlEarring · 20/09/2022 13:33

Got it. Not go tit. This bloody phone today 😂


GrumpyMummy123 · 20/09/2022 13:40

So sorry to hear it's not worked out

I can sympathise. I had an old school friend who seemed to turn on me for no known reason. We weren't best friends and would often go long periods without communicating if there wasn't a reason too! She'd often be quite flakey and was much better friends with others in our friendship group. There were occasions I was made to feel excluded from the 'main' clique (e.g. all meeting up and she'd spend the whole time raving and reminiscing about what an amazing time they had had such and such - which I'd not been invited to and knew nothing about). But we'd been friends from school, known her for 25yrs and got on ok most of the time!

However about a year ago she sent a long rant about how me and another similar friend about how we weren't helping another friend at an event. I'd already explained why I couldn't help. I had just moved house - about 3hrs from where the event was. I had 8yr old DS to look after and taking him to this overnight event wouldn't be possible. I had no friends here yet and closest family about 3hrs drive away in a different direction and husband away with work. I replied to say I'm sorry and haven't heard from her since! I still don't know why this thing caused such a massive right!!!

I feel so sad about it. The worst bit is that she seems to have taken other friends with her, so I have barely heard anything from others in the friendship group either. I've messaged them directly but either don't get a response or its very brief. It's like a grief - I've shed many tears over the loss of them of friends the support etc. I've got other friends, but it's just a shame all those years of friendship got lost for something completely out my control and in my mind irrelevant.


Aperolsprizter · 20/09/2022 14:50

thanks again for the thorough read through and reply.

I honestly genuinely don’t think it’s jealousy. The other three BMs have similar lifestyles and that’s why I mentioned it - think husbands, dogs, kids and all are SAHMs or part time workers. This is not a slight at all, but it has contributed to maybe more time / routine when it comes to wedding planning (my job is more unpredictable and I travel a lot, can’t always be on the group chat sort of thing).

Another slightly baffling point is that I saw today she’s been spending time with an aquaintance of hers who I was actually planning a date with (we work in similar fields) I weirdly haven’t heard from him for a few days after she’s seen him. So I don’t know if that’s another element as well (doubt it, think she just wants me out of the wedding)

OP posts:
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