Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

[Aperolsprizter]

Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.

me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.

im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .

everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.

she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.

my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).

she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(

[WhenPushComesToShove]

It's entirely up to you whether you allow someone to treat you like this and up to you whether you go back for more of the same. I certainly wouldn't bother to contact her again - life's too short

[Zeb81]

It's not about you.

You've asked and got fobbed off, just leave it and don't reach out again first.

She will come back to you as the wedding stuff approaches, or not, but you will never really know what the issue is.

[LemonLymanDotCom]

Oh god, sounds like a bride I knew once. She turned into a nightmare on the run up to her wedding! She had 4 bridesmaids, fired one for being pregnant (said with a newborn the bridesmaid wouldn’t be able to fulfil her duties on the day properly), one quit cos she was a bridezilla & she wanted out, she fired another one after not speaking to her for months on end (the hen do planned wasn’t a high enough standard apparently). I was tempted to pull out of being a guest after all that, and we haven’t remained friends since.

Honestly, some women just go mad with weddings. Sounds like you’re best off out of it. Just leave her be, if she’s a true friend she’ll sort her head out when she realises who she’ll be losing, and if not you’re better off without her!

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

I feel for you so much - it’s utterly heartbreaking to be ghosted like this. Genuinely one of the worst ways to treat someone.

Do you not feel like you can’t have a real conversation where you just say - Friend, what the fuck is going on? And call her out on the ghosting? Say that you’re completely bewildered because the last time you met, everything was absolutely fine?

I totally get what you mean re not wanting to drop out of the wedding for fear of it being used against you. You’re really in a no win situation because she’s playing a game with rules that you’ll never know. To be honest I doubt it’s anything to do with anything in the past - I can imagine this will be about something unrelated to anything because that means you have no chance of figuring out what the problem is. Ghosting is using some imagined slight to justify dropping a person out of their life - you’re not supposed to know what you’ve done wrong. Meanwhile you sit agonising over every tiny thing and wracking your brain as to what you have done.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Ah honey, you just have to take the hint and end this. It’s the kindest thing for you both.

She doesn’t want you as a friend or bridesmaid anymore, and yes she is trying to force you to drop out so she doesn’t have to say so. She is behaving badly of course, and she sounds like a prize twat, but you also need to take the hint rather than bury your head in the sand.

Don’t torture yourself as to why - there is no reason, you didn’t do anything - but lives shift, especially under lockdown and she has decided you are on different paths. (Also, she’s a rude twat.)

You don’t want to have a horrible tortured day at her wedding, never mind a hen night. You don’t want to worry about whether you are invited or uninvited. You want to forget the whole thing and move on. More importantly you do not want to be the kind of person who lets another person treat them like this.

Just drop her a brief note saying how much you have enjoyed your friendship over the years. Then say it’s become clear her feeling is the two of have now diverged onto different paths, so it’s best you no longer act as her bridesmaid. You will always think of her fondly and wish her all the best for the future.

And block.

Better you end it than just ignore, I think, or you’ll never get it out of your head.

[Brefugee]

sack her off in your head. Leave it until she contacts you and if she comes back all breezy wanting you to do bridesmaid stuff tell her you've got other plans.

[Flutterbybudget]

I’d message, apologise for “pressuring her“ and that you’ll back off, and just say that you’ll wait for her to make the next contact. Don’t chase her again. Don’t mention the wedding. Find yourself some new friends. If she comes back, and wants you in her life, then that’s your choice, but I wouldn’t be giving her any reason to blame you for anything.
Sometimes the drama is just too much to bother with tbh

[happy66]

I would leave it for two to three months and not message. Then drop a message to check after this time if she would still you to be bridesmaid. But making it clear you would like to, but only if that is what she wanted.

[Viostep]

@Moveoverdarlin

I would send her one final text like this and then leave it and assume the friendship is dead…

Hi Friend A

I’ve clearly done something to upset you, as things haven’t been right between us for a while. I just need you to know that I have absolutely no idea what I have done or said to annoy you. The only way we can make things right before the wedding is if we sit down and talk and you tell me why you are so upset with me? Can we meet and chat next week to resolve things? Our friendship means a lot to me and I don’t want to lose you. Having said that, there’s only so many times I can say this and only so many times you can brush me off. I’m not waiting until January to see you. If you don’t want to resolve things, then so be it. I won’t text again, and I will assume my invitation to be your bridesmaid has been withdrawn. If you could let me know either way, as I’m just so confused about where we stand.


All my love.

I would stop contacting her. It's humiliating to basically beg someone to talk to you and treat you with basic respect. Leave her to it and assume she no longer wants you to be her bridesmaid. The ball would be in her court from now on.

If you do want to send one last message I like the one by @Moveoverdarlin . It's to the point and makes it clear that you aren't going to stand for it and will withdraw from the friendship completely if she isn't willing to talk to you honestly. But you have to mean it and cut her out if she ignores you or tries to fob you off again.

[BadNomad]

It sounds like shutting down/withdrawing is her way of coping at times, so I wouldn't take it personally. Just leave her be and see what she does. I don't think you need to drop out formally.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I would just back away from her! The evening out where she was fine with everyone else but turned her back on you, and the drink afterwards where it was made clear you weren't invited, those things are nasty! And for her to do that instead of speak to you to clear the air, is really petty and childish and you deserve better than to be treated like that.

I'm also wondering if she enjoying you groveling to her - you could message her and say you no longer want to be her bridesmaid as you feel it's inappropriate given the current circumstances, or you could just stop contacting her and see how things go, see if she contacts you or not.

Please try not and let this get to you, I know it is upsetting but try not and let it knock your confidence.

[Itsokay2020]

OP, you truly sound lovely and I think you’ve been more than patient with this ‘friend’.

I personally wouldn’t message her again, I think self-preservation and focusing on all the positive elements of your life is where you need to focus your energy. It will mean that you are taking control, she can’t leave you on read and hopefully it won’t hurt so much in time.

She may be going through something, she may come back to you, but in the meantime it gives you space to focus on other friendships, hobbies etc. You can take steps on SM to not block, but stop seeing her posts for a while if this would be helpful to you.

[YouOKHun]

@Aperolsprizter

My thought was to send a final message to be like “I can sense something is off, I’m here if you want to talk about it but I am struggling keeping guessing etc” and then leave it at that.

the lack of excitement thing was last year and we’ve been fine for months so I’d be surprised if it suddenly reared it’s head. I could just leave it because the wedding is more than a year away but I almost don’t want it to circle back to being fine and leave a bad taste

I would personally just stop corresponding. Don’t ask her what is wrong, just go quiet and let her do the communicating and getting in touch. While she’s silent do some reflecting on what friendship should be. At the point she gets in touch you can decide whether ‘it’s all fine’ and whether you accept her decision to forget all about it, or whether in fact she isn’t really much of a friend and pull out of the wedding then. She needs to understand that you won’t accept being dropped and picked up when it suits her.

It sounds to me like she’s had you dangling a few times and has all sorts of demands about your behaviour which you’re supposed to guess correctly and fulfil - take charge of this now. If you don’t you will spend too much time trying to second guess her and failing to pay her enough attention at every life event from now on. Friendships shouldn’t be as hard work as this. I know it’s sad when old friendships go wrong but sometimes there’s a habitual nature to keeping up with people with whom we have a long history and that habit obscures people who actually aren’t very nice.

[ScruffMuffin]

I'm so sorry to hear this. She is being a bridezilla and a bitch. Incidentally, who expects anyone other than their fiance to be as excited by their own wedding as they are? Especially for two whole years?!

I totally understand all the PPs who are saying just leave it now, and bow out gracefully. But I personally wouldn't be able to live with the uncertainty and worry for several more months. If you want to send a message, MoveOver's is good.

[MelodyPondsMum]

If you've been friends for years, can you not ask one of her relatives? I'm thinking of my longest friendships and if it was suddenly odd, I'd call or message her DSIS and ask what was going on and how I could fix it.
Lots of posters on here jump to ultimatums and cutting people out. In RL, I'd be trying to fix it.

[FitFat]

I would just blank her tbh. No time for drama llamas. Find a new friend.

[Aquamarine1029]

I just could be arsed with this nonsense. I simply have zero patience for this kind of passive aggressive, immature, game-playing bullshit. I would send a text that you are not longer able to be her bridesmaid, wish her well, and then be done with her. She sounds like a twat.

[magaluf1999]

I dont think she is very kind, i dont think she values your friendship, i dont think she respects you.

She has given you very clear signals that she is not prepared to discuss it. Dont lower yourself to any more pleading or begging. You look a bit needy and unhealthily desperate for the friendship. And i think she is enjoying it. And she will enjoy you jumping back into line when she decides you are worthy.

Id move on, improve your standards. If she gets in touch and can adequately explain deal with it then. The not knowing is awful and ive been there. But you will never get a full explanation for her bad behaviour.

Focus on the friends that deserve you. Be breezy. Don't badmouth her or appear too interested if she comes up in conversation. If she is trying to get you to drop out of the wedding by being mean that is manipulative and cowardly.

Adult friendships can ebb and flow, but if its not making you feel good and shes not being frank and open then it sounds like you just arent a good match. Some friendships have a time limit. You can still have all the great memories.

[onlythreenow]

I would drop out of the wedding, and the friendship. She sounds very immature and I couldn't be bothered with someone who acted like that.

[Spinninsweetness]

Urgh hate this type of so called 'FRIEND'. Ignore her, silence is the best way forward. She doesn't deserve you.

[Seaweed42]

Say more about this "I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc."
Because this might be the crux of the matter.
Why was this important to include in your post?

[OnTheBrinkOfChange]

Take back the power! Don't write and apologise for anything and don't ask what you've done wrong, just say by text "I have no idea what I've done to upset you. You did this a year ago and I forgave you but I'm not going to let myself go through this again. Since you're not speaking to me I assume you don't want me to be a bridesmaid and in any case I'd be extremely uncomfortable doing it when you are treating me like this. I'm happy to send you all the things back so someone else can do it."

[Americano75]

She sounds like a fucking nightmare. No, I wouldn't be messaging her any more and I wouldn't bother my arse with her wedding. Life is just far too short.

[Jaaxe]

I would play her at her own game, she said your pressurising her so ignore her as she’s doing with u. U don’t need a friend like this, don’t let her treat you this way.

She either doesn’t want u as bridesmaid and doesn’t want to come across as the cow by telling you and is hoping u pull out by treating u this way or shes a bridezilla and wants more from you as a bridesmaid and wants u to go out ur way for her.

Don’t message her, don’t pull out the wedding, let her be the one to either start speaking to you again or tell you you aren’t bridesmaid anymore then u aren’t the bad guy. And if she doesn’t speak to you before the wedding, don’t go and cut ties.

And if you really have to message her one last time, ignore the fact she’s been a complete bitch and ignored u today (you wouldn’t want to put pressure on her obviously 🙄) and go with “ok January meet up is fine with me, just let me know when/where suits” and leave it at that.

Don’t chase after her, her friendship doesn’t sound worth it, the way she’s treating you is not how friends behave.

[Macaroni1924]

if you feel you must txt her please don’t mention the wedding. Let’s be honest who cares about that at this point it’s how she is treating you. If you happen to have said or done something then how can you possibly know how to rectify it if she won’t talk. I can’t stand people like this and have no time for them in my life, enjoy your other friends, make new ones and move on. When she needs you she will come crawling back. If she messages you out of the blue about the wedding then I’d say sorry I assumed I had been dumped as zero contact from you.