Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD

Tbh I'm not sure I could go forward with a friendship with someone who was so inept pasdive aggressive at communication... But there are some good suggestions for last chance type messages...

She sounds like an immature drama queen and I agree with others that you should just walk away now - and I definitely would not be attending the wedding to be further treated like crap

She's too much drama and you deserve better. Fuck her off with her pissy wedding. Just ghost her and let her see what being a shitty friend really feels like.

This

Besides a shared history, what do you get out of this friendship? It seems like she is a taker, and the friendship is exclusively on her terms.

She is making you question your behavior and run around after her, why are you doing this?

Then you have her blanking you directly, and excluding you from activities why is it okay for her to treat you this way?

You matter, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Losing her father at an early age does not give her an asshole for life card to play whenever she wants (lf I am wrong about this lemme know, lost my dad young too!).

Figure out what is is that you get (and want) from this friendship, if those needs can’t be achieved, move on.

Best of luck!

This

Totally agree

i Understand your frustration but you are giving her all the power and demeaning yourself. She sounds like a narcissistic drama queen. Think you need to understand your worth. You have tried to put things right and she’s still treating you like shit. Let her get in touch

I would be annoyed at the situation but I would just stop trying to contact her. You aren't ghosting her because she has already ghosted you.

It will probably continue to annoy you but there isn't much you can do when you are dealing with someone like her who is so unpleasant.

How can you be bridesmaid if she isn't even speaking to you? Also, really mean to not include you because "there was no room". I'd just back off and see what happens. As it gets closer to the wedding you'll know. I will say I've ghosted a fee friends for various reasons. All valid as far as I am concerned.

I really don't think it's anything you've done. It just sounds like when she goes through stress she withdraws and can't handle it when people question her about it (i.e pressuring her). Chances are, even if you ask other people, they won't have any answers for you because it actually isn't about you.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding

Hi Op please read the link Ive posted.
The cyclical/ repeating pattern you describe is abandonment/ intermittent reinforcement.
You havent done anything wrong.
This is how she controls you and the friendship.
The abandonment followed by your desperate attempts to find out why, followed by her saying you are smothering her plus your bewilderment are absolutely classic.
Once she contacts you again its such a relief that things are "ok" and so it carries on.
Its dreadfully controlling and unhealthy.
Again I would reassure you that you have done nothing wrong, she controls you by her silence.
My advice would be to step away and read up on this.
If you feel there is a something thats happened before it might be worth exploring via counselling .
Once she catches on that you have withdrawn she may step up her attempts to draw you back in.
Real friends dont behave like this

At first I was going to suggest a final message along the lines of, "There's clearly something wrong with our friendship as you haven't replied to my texts/ weren't particularly friendly at X's birthday meal. Any chance you might tell me what's going on?" But given your update about how she has form for this kind of behaviour, I'd just walk away. Life's too short for drama llamas. She's dangling you from a string - pulling you close when it suits her and pushing you away when it doesn't. When she doesn't come clean about whatever issues(s) she has, you're left questioning yourself and wondering what you might have done wrong. You sound like a really nice person and you deserve to be treated better. I'm inclined to agree with the pps who have said that she no longer wants you to be bridesmaid but is too cowardly to tell you and is hoping you'll save her the trouble so you'll be the bad guy and not her.

I'd message and say along the lines of- There's clearly something up. Let's talk. Coffee and cake at (wherever nice place she likes/ her place). Otherwise you'll never know, and that would drive me insane!

this must be so hurtful. I think losing a friend is as bad as a break-up.

another one here who thinks you should do nothing. Let her stew.

if you pull out of the wedding, she’ll say that’s why she isn’t talking to you. Don’t give her the ammunition.

if she doesn’t want you to be bridesmaid, she will have to tell you.

BUT don’t pander to her. She isn’t going to give you an honest answer, so there’s no point trying.

she sounds like she is playing games. Have noticed quite a few women lose their brains when they get engaged. They all seem to be annoyed when people don’t drop everything to spend 18 months celebrating their imminent nuptials.

a friend of mine experienced this treatment with another friend in our group. It took years for us to realise the bitchy friend was bat shit crazy.

Your friend is just an utter drama llama and relishing in being cryptic and blowing hot and cold with you and your reactions to this. Surely as a grown adult you have better things to do than indulge in this? Don't send her 'one last text' Definitely don't contact anyone else. Don't bother going to her wedding. Find some new friends. Get new hobbies. Stay in bed and binge watch a Netflix show... any of the above is surely going to bring you more joy and relaxation than this 'friend' ever will. Move on. Life's too short

i don’t want to ghost her or to give hard ultimatums, ideally I want to know what’s wrong so we can fix it but I honestly can’t see how I can get to the bottom of that.

OP I know it comes from a good place but you are starting to sound a bit needy. She's made it very clear that she's not going to explain the way she's treating you so you have to let it drop, however unsatisfactory that seems. It takes two to tango and she's not dancing, so you can't do this on your own.

She's said she feels pressured. That may be totally OTT on her part, but nonetheless take it at face value and don't make contact again.

IF she gets in touch later, whether that's to apologise or to tell you you're no longer a bridesmaid, don't reply immediately. Give yourself time to work out how you want to respond, based on her behaviour recently, and between now and her contact.

Sounds truly odd?? I hope you manage to sort it or at least get to the bottom of as to why. There’s nothing worse than wondering! X

I would be upset in your shoes too. That said, I can sometimes take ages to reply to people and if someone was texting me every couple of weeks chasing up my messages I might feel a bit pressured too; obviously I appreciate for lots of people that wouldn't be the case but if she is very busy maybe she is not feeling as up for socialising as she was before. I know you say she has seen other friends but if they are friends she sees more regularly it may feel less effort than a catch up with you if you don’t see each other often. I know I sometimes get socially anxious and step back from a lot of my friends but i tend to still be able to socialise with my work friends when that is the case because I see them every day anyway so it feels low effort to see them outside of work as there’s no catching up to do.

I think if I were you I would probably leave it a while now and see if at some point she gets in touch. If after a month or two she hasn’t got in touch I would then send another text and, having given her some space, maybe start again and see if she wants to meet up. If she is still being cold with you even then I think you have your answer that for whatever reason she is wanting to step away from the friendship and in that case I would probably not put in any more effort and leave the ball firmly in her court. I am stubborn so I don’t think I would drop out of the wedding, I would make it so that she had to face me at some point!

@Sisisisi makes some great points above.

@Aperolsprizter (love the name, btw), i Still want to be friends with her probably because we have a long history and I did appreciate her friendship.

It would be different if this was a one time issue, and she was able to discuss the problem with you. Sometimes issues happen between friends. But she's shunning you, likely 'punishing' you, and it's a pattern of behaviour. The reason why doesn't matter - it will always be something. No more worrying or asking, or trying to fix it. she's controlling the situation, and you. This person is no longer a friend - time to move on and treat yourself with respect.

Captain Paul Watson wrote an excellent essay called Dealing With The Killer Called Stress . Points 5 & 7 deal with friendships & relationships: a few excerpts are below, but the whole thing is definitely worth reading.
... Friends are friends or they are not. A true friend will never betray you and if a “friend” does betray you than he/she is simply not a friend. Always walk away from betrayal and do not stress about it....and if another person does not accept you for who you are, you need to walk away no matter the nature of the relationship....some enjoy insulting and belittling others. They are easily dealt with by ignoring them. Responding to them is what they want, so don’t respond. Reacting to them is what they want, so don’t react. Such people are not worthy of causing stress to you. They come from a place of insecurity, jealously and fear.

Honestly echoing everyone else drop the rope she seems to think your "pressuring her" so pull right back no contact how are you nothing don't even give her an explanation or ultimatums just drop it clearly be seen out and about as normal don't speak of her someone will approach you or she will

Oh I hate this kind of behaviour, it’s attention seeking and personally I’d have to just stop contacting her.

You have done nothing wrong. If she’s a true friend, you’ll hear from her eventually but I would not invest any more time or thought in this. It’s out of your control. You’ll feel sad about it but I think she’s treating you very poorly. And it may well be that there’s something you don’t know about going on in her life but she’s not answering you so best to stop asking as it’s not getting you anywhere. Be with friends who make you feel good.

This is not how friends treat friends. She sounds like a bitch. Sack her off and find some other lovely friends who treat you with respect and value your friendship.

Has a significant (to her) date gone past and you haven’t made a big deal? Engagement anniversary or whatever. If she’s only done this before when you haven’t ‘been excited enough’ then I’d assume it was for a similar reason.

I don’t think she wants you to drop out of the wedding, people like her will want everyone there to swoon on her big day. She will be in touch when it’s time for you to give her attention again.

I wouldn’t go to the effort of texting her again, especially after she was a knob today.