AIBU?
Bride not talking to me but won’t tell me why - WWYD
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 19:43
Genuinely looking for advice here and whether AIBU.
me and friend A have been friends for years - since we were in secondary school. Had years of being very close, the odd argument but came back together when she was going through hard times. Lives very different - she lives with LTP in the countryside, me alone in city etc. I have an intense job where as she has a part time one to focus on hobbies etc.
im meant to be her bridesmaid next year, was asked pre pandemic .
everything was fine until about two months ago. Saw her for a meal, all was fine, no problems. We keep in touch via text so few days later messaged her, it was read and ignored. We had plans for birthday drinks but she never responded. Over the course of two months I text about six times, ranging from as if everything was normal to asking if I’d done something and if we could talk about it, to finally checking if she was ok.
she eventually replied this week saying I’d not done anything wrong but she felt I was “pressuring” her and she didn’t like it. I apologised and said not really sure what’s gone on? I saw her in person today at a birthday meal in a formal setting and she was very strange, positioning her body so I was cut out of conversations etc. a further drink in our local hometown was also arranged but I wasn’t told and was told there wasn’t enough room in the car to go.
my question is - there’s clearly something wrong but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done. We don’t have many mutual friends so I don’t think she’s heard something through someone that’s annoyed her, for example. I tried to make plans again today but she said she isn’t free until January - FWIW she’s been seeing other friends (which is fine but indicates it’s not just that she’s not feeling social).
she won’t tell me what’s wrong, but there clearly is something. I’m upset and feel like I should drop out of her wedding. Would you message again and ask what’s wrong, or give space? It sounds pathetic but I’m quite upset by a lost friend :(
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
JubileeTrifle · 17/09/2022 20:13
I was part of a friendship group for years. As soon as friend got engaged she started to freeze us all out. Not wanting to go out and not returning messages.
It became clear it’s because she only wanted to invite us to the evening do as she booked a venue she couldn’t really afford.
She had some friend from school as BM, as far as I knew they weren’t even particularly friends anymore.
The weirdest bit was we were still invited to the hen do where she basically blanked us (we left early). Problem was she had no one else to invite so it was us and this BM.
went to the wedding where she also ignored us and we went home early. It was the shittest wedding I’ve ever been to as well.
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:14
Hiya,
we have one mutual friend from childhood (also a bridesmaid, I know her other bridesmaids as well but they aren’t friends yet if that makes sense) but she lives far away and wouldn’t know. It was her meal today - imagine a lot of family and then us as friends which is how we ended up coming together today.
the last time we saw each other we ended as normal, not had any deep chats or anything - just the usual. we hugged and she saw me into a cab.
weirdly, everything is bought and sorted for bridesmaid duties so I don’t think it’s that she’s decided she can’t afford it - we have dresses, bought own shoes, paid for own makeup etc. i just don’t understand where the switch has come from so suddenly, but also if she is angry about something why won’t she tell me?
indont sell wax melts no 🤣
ObstructingTheDoors · 17/09/2022 20:17
OP, what's your history of falling out? Does she take offence easily? Has previous behaviour been childish?
Has she done cold shoulder before & needed placating?
It sounds like she's taken something amiss somewhere & used your (very moderate) 5 texts in 2 months as an excuse to make you the villain. She doesn't sound like a great communicator...
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:20
Hi,
she has done this before where she just stops making plans and acts annoyed and then comes back, but not as brutally as this before.
i really don’t think she’s got another bridesmaid because of the quite specific dynamic in how they’ve been chosen, but I do wonder if she just wants me to drop out. She was annoyed last year over a perceived lack of excitement over her wedding (not wed until 2023 and this was 2021). Id sent cards and flowers on engagement but I’d not made many moves in planning a hen do for a year in advance and she was annoyed about that. But I took that on board as we sorted it
5128gap · 17/09/2022 20:21
I think you need to stop worrying about what she's thinking and what she wants and focus on you. You're being very reactive here, going along with her being hot and cold, prepared to be in the wedding if she changes her mind. You need to take some control.
Do you want a close friend who acts like this?
Do you want to sit around waiting to see if she deigns to warm up again in time for the wedding, with all the uncertainty that brings?
For me, that would be a no, and another no. So I'd be contacting her to tell her that.
billy1966 · 17/09/2022 20:21
MzHz · 17/09/2022 19:55
Honestly, drop the rope. Don’t text any more, don’t check in or chase
she hasn’t got the manners to tell you whatever is going on and she’s treated you appallingly
you don’t need to message her to withdraw from the wedding. That will give her something to point the finger at you over or accuse you of pressure or drama. Just drop her stone cold. As she has you.
This.
Her behaviour is awful.
Stop all contact.
Sorry OP.
Arenanewbie · 17/09/2022 20:23
If it were me, I wouldn't contact her again and I wouldn't be attending her wedding unless she got in touch to resolve whatever the issue before then, and I was happy with the explanation.
i would follow this advice^. It’s very tempting to ask her for explanations and so on but it would be much more effective just stop any communication with her, any and wait for her to make the first step and then choose how to react. In the current circumstances you wouldn’t enjoy going to her wedding anyway and if everything is bought already you’ve got nothing to lose.
itsgettingweird · 17/09/2022 20:23
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:20
Hi,
she has done this before where she just stops making plans and acts annoyed and then comes back, but not as brutally as this before.
i really don’t think she’s got another bridesmaid because of the quite specific dynamic in how they’ve been chosen, but I do wonder if she just wants me to drop out. She was annoyed last year over a perceived lack of excitement over her wedding (not wed until 2023 and this was 2021). Id sent cards and flowers on engagement but I’d not made many moves in planning a hen do for a year in advance and she was annoyed about that. But I took that on board as we sorted it
There's your answer.
She's a bridezilla and you didn't drop everything and dedicate the time between announcing you're BM and the wedding to her and her wedding and what she needs.
The pressure she apparently feels is that she has to consider someone else and their feelings at some point in 2022!
Seriously.
Don't go.
drpet49 · 17/09/2022 20:25
loobylou10 · 17/09/2022 19:53
She has no right to treat you like this and not tell you what you have done to upset her. Get angry now and take control - message her and pull out of the wedding, tell her if she can't communicate like an adult then you're done.
I'm sorry she's treating you so badly - it's her not you.
This
nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 20:27
ThisUserNameIsAvailableOk · 17/09/2022 20:02
What did you talk about at the meal two months ago? Were you suggesting she change her ways/life/job at all?
Do you sell wax melts?
Sorry that made me laugh.
But yes OP were you talking about careers or babies? Or something that might have been uncomfortable?
Sparklesocks · 17/09/2022 20:27
She sounds very immature. Close friends (and adults generally!) should be able to communicate and share when someone has hurt or upset them. And if she doesn’t want confrontation then she shouldn’t do/say anything rather than weird schoolgirl passive aggressive tactics.
Its possible she’s ‘enjoying’ making you squirm and fussing around her to find out what you did wrong which wouldn’t make her a very nice person. Or maybe her justification for her behaviour is really thin and she knows that deep down and knows she’s being unreasonable. Either way it’s not fair on you.
Its perfectly reasonable for you to be upset with how she’s treating you and I can see why it would be a shadow on your friendship. It’s completely up to you of course but I would withdraw as her bridesmaid because you don’t need the stress of trying to decode her issue.
Unfortunately some people get a bit weird about weddings. My group of friends had a member ‘ghost’ us out of nowhere and we had no idea what we’d done. We went to her wedding and she was her usual self, then she started ignoring our texts and calls and left the group chat. Then she just stopped replying completely and ignored our requests for why until we gave up.
We only found out from mutual friends later that her reasoning was another friend in the group got engaged just after she did, but had the wedding before hers - apparently she was trying to ‘steal friend’s thunder’ by purposefully squeezing the wedding in before hers. The rest of us should’ve sided with her, and agreed that other friend did it on purpose to upstage her engagement and wedding! Just mad.
mountainsunsets · 17/09/2022 20:28
She doesn't sound like a very good friend if she keeps dropping you and playing silly buggers about keeping in contact.
Honestly, I would send her a message saying you no longer feel comfortable being bridesmaid and leave it at that. I'd focus your efforts on people who don't keep messing you about.
TrufflesForBreakfast · 17/09/2022 20:32
Gosh she sounds like really hard work. I know it's easier said than done but personally I'd just drop her. No emotion or drama, just say that you've tried to work out what's going on and it isn't worth your headspace anymore. So with regret you will be unable to attend the wedding.
Then block her so she can't come after you for any lost money on the bridesmaid dress!
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:32
I feel like this makes me sound like a bit of a doormat, but I valued her as a person and if I had done something to genuinely hurt her I would want to know what it was.
deffo no deep discussions about babies or weddings etc. as I said we lead quite different lives but always have but had a mutual respect and time for each other
Minimalme · 17/09/2022 20:32
People are weird. I had friends invite me to their wedding abroad in Bride's home country.
We stayed three nights - first night fine, second night when lots of other friends were there, they 'forgot' to invite me and dh to the restaurant and for the actual wedding we were sidelined to a table about as far away as could be from our mutual friends.
I regret not telling them to shove their wedding up their entitled, fat arses.
Tell her to stuff it - sounds like she'll be back in time for you to serve her at her wedding then continue this pick you up, put you down routine for ever more. She's a twat.
ObstructingTheDoors · 17/09/2022 20:33
Yep, agree. Bridezilla who will punish you for not being the handmaiden she needs to puff herself up. Red Flag of 'not being excited enough about her wedding'.... pleeeease.
Screw her wedding, what an idiot. How dare she behave like this. I would be very inclined to ask her straight & stay unemotional in responses to cut through the crap. She'll hate that, as she can't hide. Good luck OP. Very sorry she's being a dick
ObstructingTheDoors · 17/09/2022 20:37
Aperolsprizter · 17/09/2022 20:32
I feel like this makes me sound like a bit of a doormat, but I valued her as a person and if I had done something to genuinely hurt her I would want to know what it was.
deffo no deep discussions about babies or weddings etc. as I said we lead quite different lives but always have but had a mutual respect and time for each other
No you're not a doormat. Yours is normal, healthy behaviour. Hers isn't normal. No wonder your hurt.
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