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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

258 replies

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:08

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2022 16:09

Well she won’t be getting any kind of input then will she?

ChampagneCommunist · 17/09/2022 16:09

Yes, I'd be hurt.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 16:11

I'm wondering what the real reason is.

RudsyFarmer · 17/09/2022 16:12

I guess she doesn’t want to find it twice and thinks it’s your family’s turn to cough up.

RudsyFarmer · 17/09/2022 16:12

*fund

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 17/09/2022 16:14

Presumptuous of you to assume you're invited MIL

Thehop · 17/09/2022 16:14

Fine, heck her. She gets no day and invites no friends.

i wouldn’t bend over backwards to make her an overly involved granny either.

Indoctro · 17/09/2022 16:14

Does she not like you..? I'd assume that and personally freeze them out if they that mean to their son.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:15

RudsyFarmer · 17/09/2022 16:12

I guess she doesn’t want to find it twice and thinks it’s your family’s turn to cough up.

My family have done more than their fair share of helping us. My dad would probably say the same about them-it's their turn.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 17/09/2022 16:16

Dont ask for any contributions from them, dont say you feel upset, just go ahead and plan the wedding you want, you will never need to feel grateful or beholden to her. In the olden days it was the Brides family who helped and you dont need her miney.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:16

Indoctro · 17/09/2022 16:14

Does she not like you..? I'd assume that and personally freeze them out if they that mean to their son.

Yes she doesn't me, she's made that very clear

OP posts:
Aprilx · 17/09/2022 16:16

I honestly wouldn’t care what my in-laws do with their money.

jackstini · 17/09/2022 16:18

It's hurtful for her to treat her sons so differently, so I think YANBU to be a bit disappointed

How does your fiancé feel?

At least she will get no say at all in the wedding plans...

HappyHamsters · 17/09/2022 16:18

Rwell if she doesnt like you then she wont want to come to your beautiful wedding, win win to you.

Mindymomo · 17/09/2022 16:18

I would be hurt and would want to know why. My 2 older brothers, my Dad took them for driving lessons, when it came to my turn, he said no, I asked why, he said he just didn’t want to. I was quite hurt, there was only 3 years difference in ages. I have 2 adult sons, would like to think I would treat them the same, one will take whatever is offered, the other probably wouldn’t ask.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 16:19

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:16

Yes she doesn't me, she's made that very clear

Show quote history

Well, there's your answer.

byvirtue · 17/09/2022 16:19

My in-laws spent £750 on a bar bill at our wedding. They spent £60k on my SILs. I honestly don’t care, it was their daughters wedding they paid for it.

Stormyseasallround · 17/09/2022 16:19

It’s down to your partner to raise it with her. Why on earth hasn’t he said, ‘Hang on, you gave them 35 grand. What do you mean you’re giving us nothing?? That makes me feel like shit!’

Crocky · 17/09/2022 16:20

£35,000? Or am I misreading the numbers?

Autumnisclose · 17/09/2022 16:20

Why don't you just pay for your own wedding and life? It seems like you're used to getting alot of handouts. It's not how most adults live. If you get something then fine, but you shouldn't expect it.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:22

Crocky · 17/09/2022 16:20

£35,000? Or am I misreading the numbers?

No that's correct

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 17/09/2022 16:23

Crocky · 17/09/2022 16:20

£35,000? Or am I misreading the numbers?

I think they paid for the honeymoon, flight upgrades too, probably all for show and came with strings attached, theres no such thing as a free lunch

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:24

Autumnisclose · 17/09/2022 16:20

Why don't you just pay for your own wedding and life? It seems like you're used to getting alot of handouts. It's not how most adults live. If you get something then fine, but you shouldn't expect it.

Yes you've got a point. We were paying for our own wedding though. This is more than about money though isn't it. MIL doesn't care who she upsets

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 17/09/2022 16:24

It is jealousy that she does not have the upper, financial (control) hand

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 17/09/2022 16:26

This could be a blessing in disguise OP.

Yep it sucks how obvious she doesn’t like you but now she gets no say in anything to do with the wedding. Plan it and keep you distance