ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

I would be more annoyed at her letting you know that she doesn't like you. Is she always hostile? What's your fiancé's take on this?

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and don't live near them.

My PILs paid for their daughters entire wedding. We got married 5 years later and they didn't offer a penny. I'm still annoyed.

Well over the years she's done some pretty hurtful things, she's a bully character anyway, throws her weight about but now I'm older I won't tolerate it. He recognises she is difficult but is so conditioned to her behaviour it doesn't bother him half as much as it bothers me

Sounds like you're better off without her controlling the purse strings then. Don't invite her.

If she ever mentions it again your partner needs to tell her he had no intention of ever asking her for any money so has no idea why she thought you might.

It hurts doesn't it. I wonder do they realise how it comes across or simply don't care.

Do you think we should go as far as not inviting them?

How do your family feel about their attitude?

I would still invite them, otherwise your just as bad.

I would of simply replied "that's fine MIL, we don't want your money. We are paying for our wedding and doing it our way." With a cheeky smile,

ILs have treated us differently for so many years we have almost allowed them to get away with it

I’d tell her I’m really sorry but you can’t afford to invite her

Do you really want to marry into this?

A bit shocked I think

If I did invite her (which in reality of course I would) I would definitely put her on a shitty table at the back and not make any mention whatsoever in any of the speeches.

also no photos.

I would! Why the hell would you invite her?
Your wedding guests are the people who love and support your union.

Don't invite the bitch.

She would absolutely kick off at this, she's terrible, really entitled. I really found the MIL from hell with her

It’s obvious favouritism and your DH must be upset. You will be the excuse in her mind but she’s choosing to treat one son worse than the other.

does DHs brother know that you aren’t getting anything when he got £35k spent on his wedding? If there was a limited pot of money available to pay towards the two brothers weddings, would BIL happily have taken it all knowing that would mean his brother got nothing?

separate the unfairness in the way the brothers are being treated from your wedding plans and arrange the day you want. Not inviting them is rather a nuclear option and not one id recommend. But they are guests, not hosts.

In our case my PIL weren't well off and paying for their daughters wedding probably used all their savings. They are very old fashioned traditional types and I think they were sticking firmly to tradition. I dont think it would ever occurred to them to pay anything towards their son's wedding they probably assumed it was my parents job to pay for my wedding.

It would be petty not to invite them and she will probably go round moaning and telling everyone that she wont be invited because she didn't contribute financially. I wouldnt involve her in any plans and leave invites as they are , she may be expecting you not to invite her so call her bluff.

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding

Your parents ARE rich so maybe your in law'sfeel that that YOUR parents should stump up this time or do they get stung twice with both daughters in law's parents not paying?

My family have done more than their fair share of helping us

How much "help" do you actually need? Presumably your parents have given you the equivalent of €35,000 for your Dad to think it was the in law's "turn".

Stand on your own 2 feet, stop taking and expecting handouts from your parents and your in laws.

Fair enough don't bother inviting her.

It's fine you can get married without her money anyway.

Yes, you’re unreasonable. And childish.

Weddings are so, so overrated. Some brides end up not even enjoying the day because of the stress of everything. We had a tiny wedding 21 years ago in the registry office and never regretted it. I'd go to the register office and save your money for any kids you might have in the future.

Yes it is hurtful. But look on the bright side, they’ll have no input in the wedding nor can they invite anyone! And definitely don’t bother with the traditional top table.