ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

With someone like your MIL the money comes with strings attached she will expect control , visiting whenever visiting DGC all the time without notice . My MIL has funded BIL and SILs entire lifestyle she just turns up to their house whenever she wants as she feels she's paid for it. She doesn't fund us and she doesn't turn up or have control we have a good relationship. Don't be annoyed the money would have conditions attached.

No SIL loved her wedding- she got everything she wanted as money was no object!

I’d be hurt.

Don’t let them have any opinion on your wedding. If your parents help you out with the cost then make sure you include them in your speech - make a really big deal out of it, buy them a special thank you gift etc. It’ll make your IL’s look like idiots and hopefully they’ll be embarrassed that they didn’t contribute!!!

Do people really expect others to take turns financing adults lifestyle choices? 🤯

You obviously dont like your ILs so why would you even accept money from them?

She sounds a nasty piece of work. It would be petty not to invite her to the wedding but I wouldn't allow her to have any input at all and would not mention her in any speeches!

YANBU to be hurt

I'd seriously think about whether you want to marry into this family since your DH is 'conditioned' by them

My MiL is a nightmare but my husband was the first to say she wasn't invited to our wedding and decided to go NC after she was a dick to me once.

With nutters like this you need your DH to have your back, otherwise your life will be pretty miserable as the years go by. You'll be on here at 40 asking for advice on leaving him

Either she doesn’t like you or she just loves the BIL much more than your husband. It happens. This way you owe her nothing - there are worse places to be.

I suppose you could put it that if SIL's parents don't have much money, and BIL and SIL aren't flush, maybe this was one way of ensuring that their wedding was up to her exacting standards?

I would rather pay for my own anyway. Rather that than have to invite Mrs Fortescue from number 42 and a bunch of people you don't know just because MIL says so. Nothing is free with people like that.

Does your DH know why his brother is the golden child? He must be quite hurt by this blatant favouritism. At least if they don't like you they will not want you to help them in their old age!

Tbh there is no WAY I would marry into this family unless I planned on being childfree and could just have a more or less separate, adult-centered life without worrying about in-laws, cousins, getting together at Christmas and all that family stuff.

If you think it will improve, think again. Your life will become a nightmare especially with a husband who won't stand up for you.

You really need to reconsider the big picture here. What are you setting yourself up for?

What age are you?

You're not the first person on here to say I should consider marrying my partner because of her. I'm surprised. Is it really that bad? Do people do this because of nightmare ILs?

As pp points out, my concern would be that DH will stand up to her when necessary, and how, if you do decide to have children, how the dynamic will be.

I don't think for a traditional family this would be that strange. The assumption is that the bride's family always pays. If they really can't afford to and there's a big income disparity between the families of bride and groom, I can see the groom's family offering to pay. (And of course there may be strings attached that you aren't aware of...) But if your own parents are well off, then they traditionally wouldn't be expected to pay anything -- in fact, offering to do so would be rather odd and even insulting.

So the situation doesn't sound that unusual or unfair, but your MIL's tone and manner certainly seem rude. I still think it's going a bit far to be actively offended. IMO it's odd for adults past very early adulthood (student years / early 20s) to expect their parents' generation to pay for a wedding. It was customary in the past, of course, but people married much younger. But if you're going to expect it at all, let the expectation stop at your own parents.

There are things that are worth falling out about, and things that are not. Whether money is or isn’t, is up to you, but it doesn’t seem as if money is truly the problem here.
What hurts, is not really when one sibling has more money spent on them, but when one sibling is loved more. I remember once being told about, and researching “love languages”, and how different people express and perceive love. One might feel loved because they have money or gifts lavished on them. Another appreciates time more. Or words.

My own parents are not perfect, but with money anyway, they have always tried to be even handed, which we have all appreciated. However, they have not always been so “fair” with their time. All I can say is that I can understand how hurt you both are, but sometimes you have to accept things, or step away, amd no one else can tell what is the right thing to do for you.

I can understand why you’re hurt, even though I think £35,000 on a wedding is shocking and I believe in paying for what I want myself.

But, doing that for one child and not the other is hurtful and even though your intention was to find your own wedding, it’s bound to have left you feeling upset.

I do think you should invite your mil. I think you would look equally as spiteful not to.

But, I would (secretly) take great delight in not sharing any details about the wedding beforehand and I’d politely turn down any suggestions.
I’d certainly wouldn’t entertain inviting Mil’s friends.
I would buy a gorgeous gift and make a grand display of thanking my parents during the after dinner speeches, whilst not mentioning mil at all.

Then, I would keep any further interactions with her to a minimum going forward as there is no room in my life for such negativity.

The question is, does your DH have a backbone. Will he defend you, 100%, against his mother? Will he back up your parenting decisions? Will he go low contact with them if needed?

If he won't, don't marry him. It's not the badness of the in-laws, it's the reaction of the the DH that matters.

@gobblefiend

It's not the nightmare in-laws that are the issue

It's the unsupportive partners

I've lost count of the posts on here over the years of women who married into families where their in laws didn't like them, their DH wasn't supportive but thought once they had kids it would change (clue - it doesn't) then after 10-15 years get to the end of their tethers.

Your DH should be in your corner, he shouldn't tolerate parents being rude or dismissive to his partner. They never change, this will then continue to issues around your children (if you want to have them that is) and that's usually when wives start to get really pissed off. As it's one thing prioritising parents over your partner, it's a whole other thing when the kids get involved one way or another.

She doesn't like you. She wears the trousers. Your future husband will never take your side over hers. Call off the fucking wedding. Take my advice. In her eyes, you're probably 'uppity'. I've been in with a similar shower. It won't get better. She will do her utmost to cause strife between you.

Wait until you and BIL have children OP (if you/they don't already). The favouritism will filter down to them too. Endless feelings of hurt. I wouldn't not invite them though, I think it'll just give them more ammo to make you and your DP look and feel bad. I would invite them to the wedding, and then if possible, move as far away from them as possible and go low contact. Congratulations on your engagement 🥂 🍾

MIL and BIL have a weird dynamic. They are both volatile, short fused types. She will do anything to keep him happy, hence the obscene amount of money spent. He's in his 30s but ILs moved to the other side of the country for them. I've post here about ILs before.

Not contributing to the wedding is one matter. I'd never have expected anyone to do this. In other circumstances, the expectation that someone else would contribute a sum even approaching that substantial figure might indicate an very inflated sense of entitlement. But that's really a side issue here. The problem you're navigating is the age-old dynamic of golden child vs. scapegoat.

It's toxic. It's dysfunctional. It's not only hurtful, but deeply harmful to the mental health and self-esteem of those who have grown up with this dynamic, which inevitably colours their interpretation of how normal families interact.

It isn't. The problem now is that your future husband is deeply enmeshed in this dynamic, it's likely what he's known all his life, and it will never get better. I've seen so many variations on this theme, and these people do not change.

In your position I'd take this as a gift, OP. They've made it clear what they think of you and your relationship, and in future you can adjust your interactions with them to a corresponding level of importance in your lives, and that of any grandchildren. And whilst I'm an advocate for a child's right to know their grandparent, games of favouritism are highly damaging and do tend to be transferred from the golden child/scapegoat to their respective children.

They are ones to keep at a distance for no other reason than self-preservation, and the preservation of your relationship and possible future family. The good news is that this frees you and your partner of all obligation to them, even the conventional obligations of a child to a parent. That, at least, is a plus.

Back in the day that's how it was done. Fathers of the bride paid. Father of the bridegroom didn't

If your partner doesn't have your back over his abusive mother, you should be running for the hills. Your whole life will be like this.

You're looking at fucking years upon years of misery. Only BIL's children get gifts at Christmas. She shows up to the wedding dressed for a funeral. You've mentioned 'years' already. I would make my fiancé choose now. Me or your lovely mother?

Are they the only 2 children?

Don't put yourself through this misery. Not if your future husband won't have your back. It will end in tears.

Can't see your fiancé agreeing to that